Ratel
fiction, horror, short story
Published on:
Feb. 24, 2008, 1:03pmWord Count:
3244Last Edited:
Mar. 26, 2008, 9:56pmWork Description
This is an unconventional short story I wrote for a contest last Halloween. It’s an exaggeration of an article of actual events.
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
notice.” With this the Colonel breezed around to his desk,
straightened a framed desktop picture of his family and sat.
“Can I get you anything. Some tea perhaps?”
“No thanks. I’m not here to take up much of your time -just a few questions is all.”
Colonel Ainsworth tented his fingers, nodded his head, then dropped his hands to his desk.
“I know why you’re here. It’s about this rodent non-sense…”
“Ratel sir, a very large type of badger as I gather.”
“Yes, well, whatever it is, it’s all non-sense to say the British military is involved in such a thing. The badgers or snakes in the river or whatever other stories the local farmers come up with. I truly hope you don’t believe any of that.”
Major Chester smiled. “Of course not sir, I was just hoping you could give me another perspective. I’ve conferred with American marines and army and even talked with several Iraqis. I’m afraid I’ve collected no hard evidence other than a dead American soldier and a cow carcass. I was wondering if you or any of your people could provide any more insight?”
Upon hearing of the dead soldier the Colonel lowered his eyes a brief moment then sharply brought them back up to Major Chester.
“I am sorry to hear of the American soldier. Of course, when the news reached us I did mandate a formal inquiry on the subject. It appears that encounter was the first recorded of it’s nature in both camps.”
Upon hearing this Major Chester’s thoughts turned inward. Colonel Ainsworth regarded him a moment before continuing.
“I am a man of physical things. Man, terrain, and warfare to name a few. Whatever it is you seek I’m sure you’ll find in the end that there’s a logical explanation for it. In this business of war, though, one has also to rely heavily on morality. I do believe that wrongdoers will eventually be held accountable to their tasks and the righteous will win the day in the end.”
Major Chester looked up and sighed. He now knew what he’d have to do. As he thanked the Colonel for his time a plan began to form in his mind of his next move. And he knew that his next move would require him as bait.
TWO
Major Chester lurked in the shadows of the dry marshlands watching. He breathed in deeply the smell of rotting vegetation and dust. He’d gone out alone in a place that wasn’t being patrolled. Too uninhabitable to be of use to anyone, it was labeled as neutral territory no one was interested in, not even in passing. He glanced at his watch. Midnight.
It was then that he heard a rustling in the unseen crawlspaces. He quickly decided the noise was too large and sharp for anything as clumsy as a human. He unconsciously crouched, his eyes focusing in the direction of the disturbance. Then, as quick as the sound was and then wasn’t, it was there again with a carnal growl and quickly coming his way. Chester watched the edge of the foliage as it shook wildly and a huge spiny beast, large teeth and claws, quickly charging toward him. He backed a step and flinched as the thing stopped just short of knocking into him, the forward motion stopped so suddenly pebbles were knocked into his shins and wind brushed by him, almost knocking his beret off.
He stood erect and fixed his beret. “Do you have to do that?”
“It truly is impressive isn’t it.” A man emerged from the shadows followed by two others. Major Chester stoked his hand over the hide as he walked around to greet them.
“You mercenaries are so overly dramatic. And you, did they talk you into this?”
The smaller of the four men named Abdul-Alim stepped around. He looked the most transplanted of the other three men, with his natural dark completion, leathery face, and full beard. He tossed Major Chester a remote.
“You should try it some time,” he spoke in broken English, his native Arabic tongue coming through, “Hell of an invention.”
One of the mercenaries, a man the size of a refrigerator, walked over to the thing they were talking about. “We could’ve used one of these things in Somalia or Haiti or even Iran, eh Michaels.”
The other man, who was almost his
Rate This Work
Discussion
This seems like a great story that you have wrote about the September 11th attacks. I once read a story on the 9 11 attacks, which was told in a boy's point of view, During the attacks, when the plane crashed into the Twin Towers and World Trade Center, everyone in the building panicked when the building was in flames. The boy tried finding his father, but he couldn't, and sadly, he had to leave his teddy bear behind. I forgot what happened next, but all I knew was it was a heart breaking phenomenon. The book was called Terror 9 11. I did love this piece of work also, because you paint pictures of constant warring between two opponents in the heat of battle. I am very interested in what you wrote. I crave for more!
*** I didn't even know this story was part of your work. You created some very crusome scenes, right out of a horror film or even as vague as twilight zone... You do have minor errors, but to me they are just errors that can be fixed easily. The piece itself is very good...scary...but good. I'm not much into warfare or even stories pertaining to war, but this was a story that definitely opened my eyes. You did have one mistake that I noticed the word "quite" I'm sure was suppose to be the word "quiet", but other then that, everything read beautifully. I'm not very good at horror scenes, maybe I could use a few pointers.... Thanks for sharing, I do like a scary story now and again.... I would like to see more, maybe some with more build up of suspense...Oh yeah...I tried that once in a novel I wrote but I think you could do a far better job then I! Write on!***
I was intrigued by the story in that it told of a hidious thing and place. but I had a problem with point of view. in a short piece it's hard to follow when seen through so many different characters. why did you choose to tell it from so many point of views? because everybody dies, the resolution seems abrupt. I would like to identify with someone through out even if he dies in the end. a strong character is one full of contrdiction, dissension, dispute, defiance and conflicting feelings. in this way I could experience empathy for him. take a hard look at your story and see if what I say has any use in your story. you could make it powerful and riveting because you're writing is really good.



This story I wrote for a contest last Halloween didn’t win possibly because the story wasn’t as conventional as they were looking for or because of writing flaws. I love to write but admit at being a horrible editor. I sometimes don’t see my own flaws. As always I’d love any critiques on my work that would help me and my story be better.