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fiction, horror, short story
2nd
Draft

Published on:

Feb. 24, 2008, 1:03pm

Word Count:

3244

Last Edited:

Mar. 26, 2008, 9:56pm

Work Description

This is an unconventional short story I wrote for a contest last Halloween. It’s an exaggeration of an article of actual events.

This work is archived. This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments.  Why?
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Print WorkPrint equal just smiled. “That thing ain’t squat without us,” he said plainly.

Michaels was right. The land rover may have been fitted with a grisly hide, and a hideous head complete with a snarling mouth full of razor sharp teeth, as well as other effects such as a speaker system with the recorded growl of a jaguar slowed down yet based up, but up close and at a standstill, it was not fully concealed to the fact that it was a machine once used as a bomb or land mine diffuser. The land rover is remote controlled, supped-up and capable of traveling at speeds of thirty miles an hour. It’s main body is blast proof by design and has two metallic arms capable of precision work, especially ripping and tearing. Michaels was referring to the fact that other than the devise being remote controlled it left tank tracks on the ground. Although it was up to the native born Abdul-Alim, who had majored in robotics at the Center for Advanced Technologies in America, to control the beast, it was the other men who were responsible for the dirty work such as scouting out a position every night, remaining quite in the bushes for hours, and finally covering up the tracks and ensuring the intended target wasn’t around to testify what was actually seen.

“Your test run went perfect.” Major Chester said. “The authorities on both sides have dismissed it as common warfare on the Iraqis part, and the locals think it’s a real monster, something from their local folklore to scare misbehaved children.” Major Chester lit a cigar, his face sullen under the flame of his lighter. “I’m ready to pitch the new perimeter security system that should be used. Once your little company gets the contract for the new system it will be used everywhere. You’ll all be rich in no time from the share of the stocks alone.”

Abdul-Alim looked at the Major with apprehension. “What is all this about you and your? Are you not still part of our grand scheme?”

“I’m done after this. I want no more part of it all.” Major Chester lowered his head. Abdul-Alim walked toward him a few steps. He looked at the mercenaries. He could see on their faces that they weren’t to pleased to have heard such a thing.

“I’m quite sure that’s not how things are going to work in our special relationship. Besides, we still need you. Once we have an in for parts transfer we can proceed with the transport of the poppy seed’s to our friends in Columbia. You’re the man with the contacts.”

“A double profit. It’s about time we got some of the billions private business profits in war and cashed in on some of the money flowing around the drug market as well,” one of the mercenaries piped in.

Major Chester sighed deeply. He was in too deep. He had sold his soul to the devil a year ago and there was no turning back now. He wondered for a split second about his own death, when it would come and what it would mean to anyone. He wondered if he could ever make things in his life right again. Silently, he asked for his wife and son to forgive him. He saw that his comrades had started to become impatient waiting on his reply. He smiled.

“I’m just shitting you guy’s. Do you think I’d let a good thing like this slip away?” The others relaxed a little. “Good job on the cow carcass by the way, it was a great added touch.” Major Chetser blew out a stream of smoke. Abdul’s smile slipped.

“What are you talking about?”

Major Chester tilted his head a bit and was going to reinerate when from within the bushes they all heard a noise. A primeval growl that penetrated them to the bone. No one spoke but looked to each other for an answer. Several more growls eminated from the thick foliage of the marsh and the mercenaries un-slung their weapons. They opened fire as the bushes shook all around them but in the moments it took to squeeze a trigger and aim they found themselves being overwhelmed by many creatures with the body of a bear and the head of a monkey, with razor sharp teeth and claws, like nothing none of them had seen before. In just a few short minutes the gunfire and screams were no more.

 

 

 

 

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Discussion

This story I wrote for a contest last Halloween didn’t win possibly because the story wasn’t as conventional as they were looking for or because of writing flaws. I love to write but admit at being a horrible editor. I sometimes don’t see my own flaws. As always I’d love any critiques on my work that would help me and my story be better.

This critique applies to the 1st draft of this work.

 This seems like a great story that you have wrote about the September 11th attacks. I once read a story on the 9 11 attacks, which was told in a boy's point of view, During the attacks, when the plane crashed into the Twin Towers and World Trade Center, everyone in the building panicked when the building was in flames. The boy tried finding his father, but he couldn't, and sadly, he had to leave his teddy bear behind. I forgot what happened next, but all I knew was it was a heart breaking phenomenon. The book was called Terror 9 11. I did love this piece of work also, because you paint pictures of constant warring between two opponents in the heat of battle. I am very interested in what you wrote. I crave for more!

This critique applies to the 1st draft of this work.

 *** I didn't even know this story was part of your work. You created some very crusome scenes, right out of a horror film or even as vague as twilight zone... You do have minor errors, but to me they are just errors that can be fixed easily. The piece itself is very good...scary...but good. I'm not  much into warfare or even stories pertaining to war, but this was a story that definitely opened my eyes. You did have one mistake that I noticed the word "quite" I'm sure was suppose to be the word "quiet", but other then that, everything read beautifully. I'm not very good at horror scenes, maybe I could use a few pointers.... Thanks for sharing, I do like a scary story now and again.... I would like to see more, maybe some with more build up of suspense...Oh yeah...I tried that once in a novel I wrote but I think you could do a far better job then I! Write on!***

This critique applies to the 1st draft of this work.

 I was intrigued by the story in that it told of a hidious thing and place.  but I had a problem with point of view.  in a short piece it's hard to follow when seen through so many different characters.  why did you choose to tell it from so many point of views?  because everybody dies, the resolution seems abrupt.  I would like to identify with someone through out even if he dies in the end.  a strong character is one full of contrdiction, dissension, dispute, defiance and conflicting feelings.  in this way I could experience empathy for him.  take a hard look at your story and see if what I say has any use in your story.  you could make it powerful and riveting because you're writing is really good.

This critique applies to the 1st draft of this work.
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