Ratel
fiction, horror, short story
Published on:
Feb. 24, 2008, 1:03pmWord Count:
3244Last Edited:
Mar. 26, 2008, 9:56pmWork Description
This is an unconventional short story I wrote for a contest last Halloween. It’s an exaggeration of an article of actual events.
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Epilogue
Colonel Ainsworth, along with American officials reviewed the area in the marshlands. What was left of the mutilated four bodies in this horrific scene and the untouched land rover, dressed up like a large rodent or something, left much to speculation. All but one of the men had yet to be identified. Colonel Ainsworth lifted his hand which held the name patch of Major Chester then lowered it to see Chester’s severed head partially peeking out from under a canvas, a shocked look frozen on his face. The Colonel squat, putting his foot in the center of one of the many paw prints that covered the area, with sharp nails prints which dug into the earth. He looked at all the blood and body parts splayed about.
A HMMWV pulled up and the driver stepped out and around, escorting the occupant toward the Colonel. The local tribal leader known as Zamil Chyad took one look at the scene, nodded his head and pointed.
The Ratel, he said.
Colonel Ainsworth frowned. As it was said by the locals, the Ratel was a creature who only punished the wicked. As illogical as that explanation was to him he had to somewhat agree with it. No one may ever know what Major Chester was up to. But this much the Colonel knew for sure; wrongdoers are eventually held accountable to their tasks and the righteous always win the day in the end.
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This seems like a great story that you have wrote about the September 11th attacks. I once read a story on the 9 11 attacks, which was told in a boy's point of view, During the attacks, when the plane crashed into the Twin Towers and World Trade Center, everyone in the building panicked when the building was in flames. The boy tried finding his father, but he couldn't, and sadly, he had to leave his teddy bear behind. I forgot what happened next, but all I knew was it was a heart breaking phenomenon. The book was called Terror 9 11. I did love this piece of work also, because you paint pictures of constant warring between two opponents in the heat of battle. I am very interested in what you wrote. I crave for more!
*** I didn't even know this story was part of your work. You created some very crusome scenes, right out of a horror film or even as vague as twilight zone... You do have minor errors, but to me they are just errors that can be fixed easily. The piece itself is very good...scary...but good. I'm not much into warfare or even stories pertaining to war, but this was a story that definitely opened my eyes. You did have one mistake that I noticed the word "quite" I'm sure was suppose to be the word "quiet", but other then that, everything read beautifully. I'm not very good at horror scenes, maybe I could use a few pointers.... Thanks for sharing, I do like a scary story now and again.... I would like to see more, maybe some with more build up of suspense...Oh yeah...I tried that once in a novel I wrote but I think you could do a far better job then I! Write on!***
I was intrigued by the story in that it told of a hidious thing and place. but I had a problem with point of view. in a short piece it's hard to follow when seen through so many different characters. why did you choose to tell it from so many point of views? because everybody dies, the resolution seems abrupt. I would like to identify with someone through out even if he dies in the end. a strong character is one full of contrdiction, dissension, dispute, defiance and conflicting feelings. in this way I could experience empathy for him. take a hard look at your story and see if what I say has any use in your story. you could make it powerful and riveting because you're writing is really good.
This story I wrote for a contest last Halloween didn’t win possibly because the story wasn’t as conventional as they were looking for or because of writing flaws. I love to write but admit at being a horrible editor. I sometimes don’t see my own flaws. As always I’d love any critiques on my work that would help me and my story be better.