*** Dylan,

        I was quite surprised that you wrote something so macabre! This was written really well but you have a mistake in the second line. The word "where" probably was suppose to be the word "were". The visuals were wonderful I could see clearly. I think I would have drawn out the sex/romance scene a bit more, even though it was probably fitting for your kind of story. For me he probably would have died coming and going at the same time. But again thats my style not yours. You have the makings of a really good story here. To me it would be a page turner. I hope it's a novel in the workings, if you should need any assistance please feel free. I truly hope there is more...I look forward to reading it...write on...***

 Hey Dylan,

I always really enjoy your work, so let me start there.  Couple little things as a reader.....

The news on the TV reported another missing person bringing the total count to, what was believed, a staggering twenty-five. The reporter said how frantic the police where having not caught what was speculated to be a cross-country serial killer who’s killing spree moved from sea-side town to town and struck only during the summer months. The reporter emphasized that everyone in booming Pacific Heights were up in arms. Nothing like this had ever affected their peaceful ocean-side township before.

Serena clicked off the small TV set and turned to her guest. She extended a plate.

If Serena is going to click off the TV then obviously all of this is current.  I would write a narrative from the reporter...something like "This (repoert's name) reporting from the scene of yet another disappearance. The numbers are staggering at an approximate 25 missing persons....." etc - you get the idea.  The paragraph has a lot of information being TOLD and not SHOWN....and as a reader, you lose the emotional impact here.

Becareful with descriptions like this:

She could feel him looking at her fat white legs riddled with varicose veins. She could hear him shutter.

As a third party limited view, she would not think of herself like that normally.  If it is an omniscient view you can associate the thought with the detective, but she would be use to her body and not see its flaws in such vivid description. Same with this:

Oops,” she looked down at herself still in the form she’d chosen. Her eye’s lit from a fire within and her sagging breasts perked up. Her hunch straightened and she grew her full length. Silver hair turned to long raven black which fell across her shoulders to mid-back. Her skin became smooth, amply tanned and flawless. Her lips became fuller and features more defined. In her new curvy shape the old dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it. The fire in her eyes faded to a brilliant blue. She looked down at herself once more. “That’s more like it.”

Although depending on which form is truly her, if either is - one of them might be ok because she would notice in detail things that are not typically "her"

The narrative from her captive varies slightly.  Becareful to choose one style of language, one accent, one word pattern - each character must have his/her own voice and, unless it is clearly mocking or joking, it must remain true to that character.  The captive only has 4 lines and the first 2 vary greatly from the last 2.  Personally I think the last 2 are more believable and is more true to him, but might want to think about changing the first 2 -

“Oh, Daddy likey!” the young man said.

Whatever -me so horny -let’s just do it already.”

The lanuage pattern is just not something that a normal person would say, at least to me.....

As far as the siren - She is very solidly written and believable. I like her character a lot and the limited sequence of events here lends great insight to her.  I loved the overall story and conflict here - it is clear, concise, and written in a very believable way.

I would love to see you flesh the story out into a longer story of her conquest for love.   Let me know if you do!  I would be happy to lend my eyes and ears to read more!  Well met!

 The reporter emphasized that everyone in booming Pacific Heights were up in arms.

This read a little weird for me, perhaps because "up in arms" is a cliche, or sorts.  I think it would read better as dialogue, letting us "hear" it.

Serena clicked off the small TV set and turned to her guest. She extended a plate.

Could these two sentences be combined for the sake of flow?

She heard him stand and take steps to the door. She was still bent over fidgeting in the fridge. Her blouse rose up and her slip was showing. She could feel him looking at her fat white legs riddled with varicose veins. She could hear him shutter.

 

Here, again the flow is distrubing, reading in a choppy way.  It's like, "Step one, step two, step three..." Combining sentences would help, especially because the descriptions here feel king of important.  That said, I'm not sure if you can "hear" some one shutter, or shudder, which I believe you meant.

 Her eye’s lit from a fire within and her sagging breasts perked up. Her hunch straightened and she grew her full length. Silver hair turned to long raven black which fell across her shoulders to mid-back. Her skin became smooth, amply tanned and flawless. Her lips became fuller and features more defined. In her new curvy shape the old dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it.

Here's another step by step that reads choppy.  It would help to show the descriptions in an action set, each description moving with action.

Upon seeing her perfect naked body approaching his anger immediately turned back to lust

"...approaching (coma)his anger..."

As she stroked his thigh the sheet rose up. The cuffs strained on the bed.

Here, again, I'd combine the two sentences, and, just my opinion, drop the phrase, "on the bed" because I'm having a hard time imagining the cuffs straining on the bed, wondering exactly which part  and how.  The cuffs strained works just as well.

 “Now. Where were we.”

"Where were we (question mark)."

Serena got off him. He lay limp on the bed. She wiped her

I'd like to see this part have way more impact.  Even just, "He lay limp on the bed."  And leave it at that, starting "She wiped..." as a new paragraph.

She walked to the window and opened it and the man-dust was whisked away.

This is a great image that I'd like to see brought to full life.  I'd like to feel the wind, smell the ocean again, etc.

Even for a Siren -a Sea Nymph like herself.

The punctuation here read strange.  "Even for a Siren, a sea nymph, like herself."  would be easier to decipher what you meant.

I admit that this isn't my "kind" of story.  That said, you do an excellent job of bringing fantasy to life.  You have a great use of description, making fantasy appear real. 

Thanks,

Amber

 Hi Dylan,

I've never critted one of your stories before, so I want to begin by saying anything I write here, is my opinion only, and feel free to trash anything you don't like.

With that out of the way, I just wanted to tell you that I loved your story.  It was very believable, and it held my attention to the end.  I couldn't find any place where the story dragged. You wrote on a very common theme, serial killers, but gave it a unique twist.  That's what makes it stand out from all the other stories of this genre.

The way you opened your story, using a news broadcast, gets the attention of the reader immediately, at least it did for me. The shape shifting was very unexpected, and original. Your dialogue was good.  I could hear the characters' voices in the conversations.

I guess the setting is either the guy's house, or the woman's.  You really didn't let the reader know this.  You may want to include the setting where all this takes place in the next rewrite, just a suggestion.

I loved the ending, but who was the woman and who were the boys of summer?  Were they just boys who came to the beach and used that house during the summer?  You know, sort of wandered in.  And was the woman a nymph, like you said?  I didn't know they were that psychotic. 

Well, that's about it.  I really enjoyed this story.  You did an awesome job with it, and you have quite an imagination.  Hope this helped a little, and thanks for sharing.  It was a great read.

Cathy

 dylan! great story!! i read this days ago, as a solid first draft, and in just one edit you've made this a seamless, suspenseful and chilling work--really, first-rate!!

i only noticed a few very minor tweaks, so i'll highlight those before i continue my gushing. ;D

“No thank you ma’am, I really should be moving on.”

i think this could use a comma after 'you'.

Her eye’s lit from a fire within . . .

the apostrophe here is unnecessary, if you mean 'eyes' as plural and not possessive.

She saw the horror in his eyes when they met hers and she watched as they rolled back in his head and his skin decompress to his skull.

check me on this, but the tense seems to change at 'decompress'. should this be 'decompressed'?

She wiped her lips and watched as he cracked, settled in like a sink hole and finally disintegrate to ashes.

same question here with 'disintegrate'.

. . . blank eye sockets and a gapping mouth.

 i think 'gapping' should be 'gaping' here.

okay, now that's done, let's gush! first, i love the title you've chosen. 'the boys of summer' connotes innocence, sunshine, frolicking, and that plays to delicious contrast with the tone and events of the story. love it!

Serena clicked off the small TV set, turned to her guest and extended a plate.

“There’s not enough love in the world. Care for a scone?”

serena's arch characterization of the news report is hilarious, and her voice is illustrated in these few words. great!

“No thank you.” He flipped through his notepad once more. “So you say you haven’t heard or seen anything unusual Mrs. . . Nymph is it?”

“It’s Miss.” she stood and hobbled to the kitchen. “Some tea then? I also have coke.”

The man looked at the old woman barely able to bend to retrieve refreshments from the fridge. Another dead end.

“No thank you ma’am, I really should be moving on.”

She was still bent over fidgeting in the fridge, her blouse rising and slip showing, as he took a few steps to the door. He looked at her fat white legs riddled with varicose veins and shuddered.

“I’ll let myself out -thanks.”

you've done a great job with this scene, with realistic dialogue consistent with the characters, with a natural pace to the speaking and the direction. you show us the detective's reaction to serena with a subtle and effective hand.

Her eye’s lit from a fire within and her sagging breasts perked up. Her hunch straightened and she grew her full length, silver hair turning to long raven black which fell across her shoulders to mid-back. Her skin smoothed, amply tanned and became flawless, her lips were fuller and features more defined. In her new curvy shape the old dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it. The fire in her eyes faded to a brilliant blue as she looked down at herself once more.

 this transformation is written clearly and well, a lot of description handled with a deft economy of words, but nothing is left out. we can see her change in our mind, and are intrigued by the turn taken in the story.

She took the gag out of his mouth. He squirmed but relaxed with her touch.

“Now. Where were we?”

As she stroked his thigh the sheet rose up -cuffs straining on the bed.

The young man moaned.

She smiled deviously, and playfully positioned herself elbow to bed, hand on cheek so that her eyes met his.

“There’s a question I must ask. It’s very important you mean it, okay.”

“Whatever -let’s just do it already.”

She put a red fingernail to his lips and waited until he stopped squirming.

“Do you love me?”

“Yeah, baby. I’m lovin’ every bit of you.” He moved his head to kiss her but could only go so far. She remained just out of reach.

“I’m serious. Before we proceed, you must choose. Real love or not. What happens next depends on you.”

His head fell back to the pillow and he yanked hard on the handcuffs.

“This is bullshit. I’m getting tired of this game. Are we gonna fuck or not?”

this is another great scene. we learn a lot about serena, here. we know she's playful, but has her own agenda. that something dark is swimming just beneath the surface, but we don't know yet her nature or intent. she's creeping me out, but i'm not sure if it's her ruthless nature, or her deluded search for love in an anonymous stud looking to score. his character comes through loud and clear in few words. we know him, or his type, anyway. we almost feel sorry for serena.

She kissed him passionately on the lips feeling his tongue explore her mouth. Her eyes began to smolder with her inner fire. She felt him try to pull away and catch his breath but she kissed him more passionately now. He frantically trembled yet she persisted. She saw the horror in his eyes when they met hers and she watched as they rolled back in his head and his skin decompress to his skull. His veins throbbed until they too gave way as if the very fluid had been sucked dry. Finally, all color slipped from his lifeless body.

He lay limp on the bed as she dismounted.

awesome! a great murder scene, vivid and horrific (still don't feel sorry for this guy, tho). 'all color slipped from his lifeless body' is a perfect line. love it.

Serena picked up the orb and walked naked out her front door, sand squishing between her toes. She was greeted with an evening sea breeze trailing her hair behind her. She continued her stride straight to the ocean and stopped at waters edge, a moonlit swell. Cool sea foam lapped over her feet and she turned to the town lights in the distance which seamlessly extended into the starry night. The orb glowed like a beacon in her hand.

another great sensory scene. talented description here. 'evening sea breeze trailing her hair behind her'--awesome. 'a moonlit swell.'--beautiful. ' the underlined sentence above took my breath away, lovely, masterful writing here. i'm jealous!

The boys of summer would return and she would too.

great incorporation of the title, and love the ominous implication.

She turned back and continued her path until the ocean enveloped her -the orb in her hand glowed brightly until both reached the murky depths to disappear for yet another year.

another fabulous line, and an intriguing end to this chilling story--

you know, dylan, of all the impressive aspects to this tale, my favorite is how seamless the story is. everything makes sense, everything has a reason, everything fits. i don't see that often enough, and you've clearly put some thought into this scary-ass fable. you've done a great job (i keep using that word), and i wish you the best of luck in the contest this month. i loved this story. thanks!

Serena clicked off the small TV set, turned to her guest and extended a plate.

Could probably use a little more setting here. A sentence or two describing what kind of room this is, who's in it, what time of day it is, and maybe how it smells (if pertinent). Also another line to suggest who Serena is might help establish a clearer image in the reader's mind.

The balding, oversized man in a sweaty shirt and striped tie sitting across from her shifted in his seat.

A few excessive descriptors clutter this sentence. The image isn't wrong, but its the distance from the subject "man" and the verb "shifted" that makes the sentence hard to decipher.

The man looked at the old woman barely able to bend to retrieve refreshments from the fridge. Another dead end.

This shifts perspective from Serena (3PL) and into the man (3PL). It feels awkward to me. I know it begins with Serena's 3PL because you describe what the man is wearing. If it were the man's 3PL, he wouldn't see what he is wearing, or describe himself as sweaty.

She was still bent over fidgeting in the fridge, her blouse rising and slip showing, as he took a few steps to the door. He looked at her fat white legs riddled with varicose veins and shuddered.

This is a POV violation, switching perspective from sentence to sentence.

She felt the ocean breeze enter her small flat and the door shut.

This sentence sounded funny to me. "Flat" is a British expression for apartment. Also, since both subject-verbs are in the same sentence, it gets confusing. You could remove the adjectives and you'll see the sentence reading "She felt...the breeze... and the door shut." She doesn't feel the door shut; it just shuts.

Her eyes lit from a fire within and her sagging breasts perked up.

Her eyes lit a fire? That sounds weird. A fire within is generated by a person, or another person, but not by a character's own eyes.

Her hunch straightened and she grew her full length, silver hair turning to long raven black which fell across her shoulders to mid-back. Her skin smoothed, amply tanned and became flawless, her lips fuller and features more defined. In her new curvy shape the old dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it.

A lot of these descriptors felt, to me, a little hackneyed. We've heard them used to describe an attractive female before, that's all.

Upon seeing her perfect naked body approaching, his anger immediately turned back to lust.

By using 'his anger... turned" you switch the POV to the man.

“Oh, wow!” the young man said.

I don't understand his tone. Is he afraid? Or aroused?

Her eyes began to smolder with her inner fire.

This is a POV violation only because she can't see her own eyes.

By the window sill was an amber orb.

I can't immediately picture this. Perhaps describe its size or something commonplace it might resemble.

Serena picked up the orb and walked naked out her front door, sand squishing between her toes. She was greeted with an evening sea breeze trailing her hair behind her. She continued her stride straight to the ocean and stopped at waters edge, a moonlit swell. Cool sea foam lapped over her feet and she turned to the town lights in the distance which seamlessly extended into the starry night. The orb glowed like a beacon in her hand.

This was the best written paragraph in this piece. It allows the reader to capture the sensory experience of her walk to the sea, and even allows the reader to infer her thoughts.

Things hadn’t worked out like she’d hoped they would. There would always be another chance to find love. Even for a Siren, a Sea Nymph, like herself. The boys of summer would return and she would too. Until then.

It's interesting, but then again what does she want? Was she even testing this man out? If so, I didn't see it unfortunately.

Dylan, I thought this was an interesting piece, but as I'm not really familiar with flash fiction I can't offer much in terms of how it fares structurally or how necessarily to improve it. However, it opens with Serena apparently speaking to a police officer (or someone like that), which I felt was not logical considering a man was tied up in the bedroom. What was the tied-up man doing during that whole time? Also, I think that opening with a TV news report blaring is kind of cheating. It might work better as an internal thought stream as she's reading a newspaper about it, or at the very least having her have a conversation with a worried neighbor about it-- maybe a worried neighbor who's telling her to remain indoors and be careful for a killer.

Hope this helps.

Hey Dylan, just wanted to hop on by. I read the piece but it's early in the morning, and my brains a bit fuzzy. Expect a critique soon.

Dylan,

Thanks for inviting me to critique your work.  I like it.  A nice modern mythology story, one of my favorite genres.  Here are my thoughts:

“Another missing person was reported today bringing the total count to, what is believed, a staggering twenty-five. The police are speculating these missing persons to be linked to a cross-country serial killer who’s killing spree moves from sea-side town to town and strikes only during the summer months. Nothing like this has ever affected the peaceful ocean-side town of Pacific Heights before. . .”

I agree with Russell.  This is something of a cheat.  Worse yet it's a common cheat.  I read a lot of comics and this is the number one way for an inexperience writer to convey exposition.  This may not be the case in your reading so I don't blame you for using it, but you should know that some readers will see this as cliche.  Since it's your first paragraph you want to keep as many people as possible.  I suggest starting with a strong image, maybe the repulsiveness of the woman's current form.

“There’s not enough love in the world. Care for a scone?”

Nice subtle introduction of the Nymph's character.

The balding, oversized man in a sweaty shirt and striped tie sitting across from her shifted in his seat. “No thank you.” He flipped through his notepad once more. “So you say you haven’t heard or seen anything unusual Mrs. . . Nymph is it?”

For anyone with a passing knowledge of mythology, you've given away the story here.  This is much too early in my opinion.  Much of the suspense is lost as she is established as a mythological creature and therefore very likely the killer as she is the outsider in this story.  Might I suggest "Ligeia" for a a name.  According to some fast research it is one name given to the sirens of myth.  In this way your laying a very subtle hint, but the reader's that get it will feel rewarded for their knowledge.

“No thank you, ma’am, I really should be moving on.”

If the woman had no information, why is the detective in her kitchen?  Wouldn't he have just asked at the door and moved on?  Especially since he doesn't seem to want to be around her. 

“I’ll let myself out -thanks.”

The detective is a missed opportunity to layer in that exposition that you laid out in the news broadcast.  If this whole exchange happened in the doorway, with the repulsed detective warning the elderly woman to be careful because of the recent disappearances you could accomplish all you have here and lose the parts that aren't working.

“Oops,” she looked down at herself still in the form she’d chosen. Her eyes lit from a fire within and her sagging breasts perked up. Her hunch straightened and she grew her full length, silver hair turning to long raven black which fell across her shoulders to mid-back. Her skin smoothed, amply tanned and became flawless, her lips fuller and features more defined. In her new curvy shape the old dress fell to the floor and she stepped out of it.

I like this scene.  Especially how the dress falls off of her new shape.  So many shapeshifters never seem to deal with the problem of clothes and you do it well here.  It's both a detail and a plot point.  Nicely done.

Upon seeing her perfect naked body approaching, his anger immediately turned back to lust.

I need clarification on what the man is thinking.  Anger doesn't turn to lust that easily in my experience.  It took me several paragraphs to understand this reveal.

“This is bullshit. I’m getting tired of this game. Are we gonna fuck or not?”

I like the Nymph's love quest, but if all the man has to do is say they love her, I'm sure that she could find one to do it.  Whether they just say it to get laid or because they instantly fall in love with a beautiful woman.  It a bit man-hating to imply that no man is looking for love.

She kissed him passionately on the lips feeling his tongue explore her mouth. Her eyes began to smolder with her inner fire. She felt him try to pull away and catch his breath but she kissed him more passionately now. He frantically trembled yet she persisted. He let out a moan and saw the horror in his eyes She watched his eyes roll back in his head and his skin decompress to his skull. His veins throbbed until they too gave way as if the very fluid had been sucked dry. Finally, all color slipped from his lifeless body.

Another great descriptive paragraph, however, I have seen this scene in several places before (tv and movies).  Is there a new and different way to do this?

She wiped her lips and watched as he cracked, settle in like a sink hole and finally disintegrate to ashes. She walked to the window and opened it. An ocean wind came in and the man-dust was whisked away.

I love this as it subtly implies her connection to the sea and is also a beautiful, new image.

Serena picked up the orb and walked naked out her front door, sand squishing between her toes. She was greeted with an evening sea breeze trailing her hair behind her. She continued her stride straight to the ocean and stopped at waters edge, a moonlit swell. Cool sea foam lapped over her feet and she turned to the town lights in the distance which seamlessly extended into the starry night. The orb glowed like a beacon in her hand.

Another great, descriptive paragraph.

Things hadn’t worked out like she’d hoped they would. There would always be another chance to find love. Even for a Siren, a Sea Nymph, like herself. The boys of summer would return and she would too. Until then.

Here's your true reveal, spoiled on page one.  At this point you've built up enough clues for the reader to understand and enjoy it.  If you can keep it hidden until here the story will spark.

Overall, I really enjoyed this piece.  With just a few tweaks it could easily go from good to great, at least in my opinion.  Thanks for sharing it and requesting my input.  I hope to read more from you in the future.

-Ben

  I just read  'The boys of summer' , a flash fiction, tagged as fantasy, which prompted mre to read. And I was dissapointed the way it's written.

It's fast moving, all the elements needed for a flash fiction are there. There is a plot, surprise at the end but I just didn't like main character and her attitude. That's the reason I didn't enjoy the fiction even if it's written well. So I am not saying it's the bad fiction, it's deceptive to read from the discription on the tag. It's a good one for people who enjoy the gross actions and characters with devious minds. For them it's 

A good read,

Jaya H.

 Oh hey Dylan Moody! Sorry that I have not critiqued your work in the past weeks - I was busy. Anyway, I did enjoy this piece and I only found just one error in The Boys of Summer.

Serena clicked off the small TV set, turned to her guest and extended a plate.

 

You need a comma before the word and - just remember that when you name three objects in a sentence that you should actually put commas in between the objects. All in all, this was a great piece that I gave a 4 stars out of 5. This was great and I look forward to reading more of your works. Take care