Oh my goodness...a man that once said he needed a hormone shot after reading a short romance story, actually wrote a romantic piece!! My goodness what is the world coming to? Visuals were made easy, there were a few errors, but try reading it slowly to yourself and you will find them, promise. I'm sitting here reading when I have a monthly story to finish, but it was worth the distraction. I hope you didn't feel you needed another shot after this. The story was heart felt and caused the reader to feel feelings right out of a motion picture some would consider it to be a "tear jerker", or as most would describe it, a "chick flick". I liked the story if I didn't already say so, and I hope you are going to continue with it. Aside from the small errors, the story as a whole was a wonderful replica of life's tragedies. I look forward to more...

Wow. I have to admit, I didn't know what to expect, but this is a great, very sweet story. Sad, too, but I really feel the love between these two people, even if you met one only through flashback.

Some of the wording was a bit rough, but nothing that really distracted from the story.  Write more, please. I think you are very good.

I absolutely adore the start of this story, although, I've never seen an Epilogue at the beginning. I have a number of books where occurs at the end, though. Haha. It's different and unique. I like that.

Pauly the Pepperoni Pizza reminded me of Mr. Soopy. I doubt you've ever heard of an Anime called Scrapped Princess, but there was an episode where the main character had to get a job and she had to dress in a giant green dinosaur costume called Mr. Soopy to promote a bakery's new buns. I feel bad for Jared, but I feel worse for those kids, getting thrown around like that.

Melinda is amazing and I sincerely love her character. Also, this line is sheer brilliance:

"Well, now, honey. It appears my perception is just fine now isn't it."

And I'm probably just nit-picking, but:

"I doubt your days been any worse than mine," she offered.

Days is both the words 'day' and 'has' and for the life of me, I can't think of the actual word for it, but there should be an apostrophe - day's.

*On page 5* Ooh, I love those ruggedly handsome types...

Okay, nit-picking again.

They winded up talking for hours

I'm not sure if winded is a word, unless you mean to talk about how a person is out of breath. The word should be 'wound.'

And a Prologue at the end? Very odd indeed, but a prologue usually tells us something that happened before anything else in the story, which is usually why it's put at the beginning. Then again, CS Lewis and George Lucas didn't exactly follow that pattern, but, you know. Your prologue, however, offered nothing new that happened before the story. In fact, all it did was connect the main story to your epilogue and then finish the epilogue off.

The living out of an RV thing SOOO reminded me of the Gornicky's from RV. I had to laugh. This was a cute story and I liked it, but the Epilogue at the beginning and Prologue at the end kind of threw me for a loop.

Let's start line-by-line:

cool breeze through thinned hair

Too many adjectives too close together. I'd cut 'cool' because the main character is usually more important than the weather.

the turmoil they’d happily endured. It was often them against the world and that was okay -he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

'happily endured' and  'wouldn't have had it any other way' are both great.

Everyone who knew them would say they were the true definition of soul-mate’s.

Ick. Schmaltzy. Cliche. Saccharine. And soul-mates isn't possessive here - no apostrophe.

It was here, sitting together on the deck of their log cabin overlooking the lake at sunset, was when he always knew it should happen.

The sentence has fractured after being tied in such a complex knot. Double verb, for starters ... compare: "He always knew it should happen here, sitting together on the deck of their log cabin, overlooking the lake at sunset."

His wife had won many battles with the cancer but in the end it would win the war over her body.

A very good turn of phrase. But consider how it reads without 'over her body' - I don't think it adds much.

He knew it was her love for life and for him and their family that drove her to such extents.

Compare: "He knew it was her love for life, for him, and for their family that drove her." Parallel construction should always be fully parallel - same phrasing throughout.

There were many offers for them, on where to spend her last days and for him as well, for the days afterward.

This just doesn't read well. What about "There were offers - for them, where to spend her last days - for him, where to spend the days after." Again, parallel construction needs to be precise.

Peace had taken over the pain, and the lines in her face had softened.

Why does this slip into the past perfect? The next sentence is the same, but after that we go back to past tense in the dialog. Compare: "Peace overtook the pain and the lines in her face softened." And then take the apostrophe-d off of 'She'd.'

He could still remember the day they met. He could remember that day at the Café as if it were just yesterday. The day he first spoke those words to her.

Awfully saccharine and awfully cliche - which is really a worse offense. I'd cut these lines right out.

Let's pause the line-by-line for some initial impressions:

So far I see a lot of sketchy grammar. But there are some very nice images and turns of phrase in there, and the story had that je ne sais quoi that compels a reader to keep going. So I shall - but I want to note: this story needs a harsh line-by-line grammar breakdown to catch things like run-ons, fragments, subject/verb disagreements, misused apostrophes, and the occasional homophone mix-up.

His head, which was usually zippered-up looking through two pepperonis for eyes, now stuck out the top of the costume as if it had oozed out from the melting cheese.

This needs a comma between 'zippered-up' and 'looking.' But I really quoted it because I love 'oozed out from the cheese.'

It had been several months since the CEO of the company he’d worked for had been caught embezzling, therefore putting everyone in administration including his position as Assistant GM and forth in charge of a Fortune 100 company on the cutting block.

'[F]orth' should be 'fourth,' but whole sentence is a run-on. Try "It had been months since the CEO of his company had been caught embezzling. The crime put everyone managing the Fortune 100 company - including Jared, assistant GM and fourth in charge - on the cutting block."

These complex sentences are awfully tricky. I'll try not to jump on every one and rephrase it. Two suggestions: Never fear simplicity; try breaking down long sentences into short subject-verb-object sentences. This will clarify the function of all the parts and make it easy to reassemble them into a clearer,  more sensible whole. Second suggestion: Read out loud. These sentences, especially, but the whole work as well. Where the tongue stumbles the reader's eye will, too.

The hardest part was not so much loosing the woman he loved ...

Should be 'losing,' not 'loosing.'  A real respect-loser of an error. Edit as close and as often as you have to to avoid this kind of thing.

The multitude of kids stopped singing with the animatronics critters...

'Animatronics' is a noun. As an adjective it should be 'animatronic.'

He stood there a moment, lifeless, as life gyrated around him.

I love 'lifeless as life gyrated around him.' I'm not sure it needs the second comma.

Apparently, they had never seen a seven foot pizza having a nervous breakdown before.

A funny phrase. It might not need 'apparently' or 'before,' but in between them is pure gold.

“Your fired!”

Bad. Bad bad bad bad. Should be 'you're.' 

The day had turned out to be sunny and humid with only a slight breeze which to Melinda seemed like the seething breath of summer. She balanced her four bags of groceries on the way to her Volvo, as her mind raced with no rhyme or reason between thoughts. It was times like these that she wondered if she had ADHD.

A paragraph too nasty to fix: It starts with a weather report delivered in a run-on sentence. Next double cliches - racing mind and no rhyme or reason. And at the end an ADHD self-diagnosis - just plain over-played, like a bad amateur stand-up comic.

Vile swelled to her throat and her blood pressure rose a notch or two.

Bile, not vile.

Melinda's introduction involves a criminal level of telling rather than showing. Or rather telling AND showing, which wastes the reader's time. Cut the speculating, thinking, pondering, pontificating, etc. Any time a sentence starts with 'There are times in life when a person,' the story is going deep into left field in terms of show vs. tell.

Upon the spiders return trajectory she ducked, turning the wheel of her boyfriend’s XC70.

First, 'upon' doesn't make a lot of sense here. Second, 'spiders' is possessive, which means it needs one of those surplus apostrophes used earlier in the story. The same goes for "her boyfriends Volvo" a little ways down the page.

She plopped down on the curb and looked at the wreck through red brimmed eyes. It was as close to an accordion as a Volvo would get and yet it probably saved her life. She felt like she was going to go into a full blown cry as the weight of the situation leveled on her but she managed to hold it back. That was until she looked over and saw the spider crawling out of the seat, lowering itself by web onto the pavement and nonchalantly scampering away.

Then she cried anyway.

Compare:

"She plopped down on the curb and looked at the wreck through red-rimmed eyes. It was as close to an accordion as a Volvo would get. It probably saved her life. She felt like she was going to cry, but she held it back. She saw the spider crawl out of the seat. It lowered itself by web to the pavement and scampered away nonchalantly.

Then she cried."

Both men had glasses in their hands and the taste of bourbon bit the air.

Does the air have a tongue? How does a taste bite? Poetic language is good but it should still make sense.

The whole time he and his guest remained quite.

Quite what? Should be 'quiet.'

“Obviously, you’re okay,” he said with an erudite authority much like that of a father figure talking down to a child.

Ick. "... he said, like a father talking down to a child" would be better. Better still would be just "he said" with no qualifiers. Best would be tweaking the dialog so the speaker's mood is obvious from his words. Heck, it's pretty well there already.

“Women, they have horrible perception.” Her boyfriend spoke as an apology to his boss and shrugged it off with a laugh.

Same issue. Really, this dialog is pretty good on its own; all these qualifiers are dragging on it and slowing it down.

“Well, now honey. It appears my perception is just fine now isn’t it.”

Dialog's still good but the presentation is getting a little rough. Since she's asking a question this should end with a question mark, and a comma between 'fine' and 'now' would give it the rythym of natural speech.

“Okay, your right.” He turned to face her, oddly paused, then stood and offered her the seat.

I shouldn't harp on an issue over and over, but every your/you're confusion causes me pain.

“Oh yeah, beat this. In the last month I’ve lost my hundred-grand-a-year job, been blacklisted, and my girlfriend left me after the first five minutes of it all. I’ve had to sell all my stuff and the only job I can get involves wearing a pizza costume which I just got fired from today.”

Compare:

"Oh yeah? Beat this: Last month I lost my hundred-grand-a-year job and got blacklisted. My girlfriend left me about five minutes after. I've sold all my stuff, and the only job I can get - which I just got fired from - involves wearing a slice-of-pizza costume."

I won't quote it, but Melinda's comeback dialog is much better. "Assault and battery by frozen entrée" is great.

A smiled slipped across his face and for the first time she noticed how ruggedly handsome he was.

First, it should be 'smile,' not 'smiled.' Second, 'ruggedly handsome' is so cliche it has no meaning.  The "sparkle in his eyes which drew her in" is much better, even though it's hardly unique. Why? Because it focuses on how Melinda sees Jared. Subjective impressions are much more valuable than objective statements - especially if the statements are cliche.

They winded up talking for hours ...

Should be 'wound.' Or 'ended' would work.

“We’ve just met. ... where it goes will be entirely up to fate.”

The dialog here - and this is the crux of the story - is just not as good as the other pieces of dialog. It's a little too forced, too rushed. This conversation is the whole point of the story, right? Why squeeze it? Get some more back-and-forth going and let both characters express themselves.

She sat for a long while staring at her dull reflection off the lacquered floor of the Café.

Why don't I like this sentence? Every noun has an adjective. That ain't right. Lacquer is not generally something you find on floors. I think 'on' would be better than 'off' - though I can't say why. Compare:

"She stared at her reflection on the floor of the Café for a long while."

This emphasizes the staring by eliminating the sitting. It also emphasizes how long the while is, since that's the only surviving adjective.

I'm skipping over more of the same in the prologue ...

His own last conscious thought was that he could hear the wind through the swaying leaves until he too was swept up in it’s passing.

The last sentence bears looking at, because many of the problems - and some of the strengths - of the story are here. "He could hear the wind through the swaying leaves until he too was swept up in its passing" is a great image. But in the middle of it there's an 'it's' that should be an 'its,' and before it there's the mess of 'His own last conscious thought.' Would anything really be lost if the sentence started "His last thought was ..."?

So, final thoughts:

There are serious problems here, but there's compelling material too. The humor is genuinely humorous. The dialog - with minor exceptions - is really good. While the language occasionally slides into the saccharine, the overall sentiment and the overall effect is touching. The strengths shine right through the shortcomings.

Problem-wise, aside from the grammar issues I moaned about above, the most frustrating thing was the ratio of action to description. All of the good parts of this story - the pizza slice breakdown, the car accident, the entree hurling - happen when the language is active. When the language is passive, describing thoughts and feelings and mental states ... Not only is it not moving the story forward, the grammar problems occur with greater frequency and severity. The action parts really do a fine job of illustrating the characters and their state of mind. They don't need help - and the help they're getting isn't very helpful. Of course the story can't be 100% action. But telling the reader about thoughts and feelings should be kept to an absolute minimum. It's connective tissue, not bone or muscle.

I like to concentrate on the story and avoid addressing the author. But I need to say this directly: Mr. Moody, you need to get a better grip on your possessives. Plural nouns (when they are the subject in a sentence) do not, ever, need apostrophes. Possessive adjectives - "her boyfriend's Volvo," "the spider's trajectory" - always do. 'Its' and 'your' are special cases. Both are possessives; neither need apostrophes. You shouldn't confuse them with 'it's' and 'you're.' 'It's' and 'you're' are contractions for 'it is' and 'you are' (or 'it was' and 'you were' ) - they can't be used any other way, and they are never possessives.

Rule of thumb for possessives: Ask yourself, "Can I rephrase this using 'of'?" e.g., "the Volvo of her boyfriend," "the trajectory of the spider." If you can, use an apostrophe. With 'its' and 'your' the rule is similar. Try replacing them with 'it is' and 'you are.' If those phrases don't fit - "I like you are story" - then you don't want an apostrophe.

I did like your story. It's sweet and fun and funny, and that makes it worth working on. I'll admit the work to be done is closer to hammering and sanding than mere polishing, but I think the potential results will be worth a lot of effort.