The Dark Within, Chapter 0
novel, fiction, thriller
Published on:
February 26, 9:53amWord Count:
2593Last Edited:
April 10, 4:55pmWork Description
A story of life both beautiful and destructive. A modern day tale of the ageless struggle between the good and evil which rages both abroad and within us all. The Dark Within is in itself a double metaphor, meaning both a growing darkness in a lost soul and the absence of good in a physical place.
This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments. Why?
Print
-Jan Patocka
The real test of a person is not how well they play the role they have invented for
themselves, but how well they play the role that destiny assigned to them.
Prologue
The most notorious inmates in the south-east were held in Delta Dorm inside the maximum-security prison called the Tomb. Outside of Delta Dorm, Correction Officer Sean Colby found his place with the other members of the Certified Emergency Response Team.
Sean settled in for the moment and inhaled deeply the stagnant air. He flinched slightly to the echoing screams of the rioting inmates inside and moved his head around, forcing himself to relax. The screams resonated through the outer unit walls with a sharpness that sunk to bone. The acrid scent of burning plastic mattresses caught his nose, a smell in the air which seemed to be the burning fuel of the situation’s unwieldiness. Sean looked at the other men, their reactions held tightly on their faces. He could tell that everything was weighing on the other CERT members, playing with their basic senses. It seemed to him that it hung over everyone like a dark cloud. In an instant, quicker than in any other civilian occupation, they had become soldiers in a rural conflict. This team was about to go head-on with an oversized dorm full of rioting convicts, and he could tell that each of them, in their own way, were beginning to question whether they were fully prepared to do so.
Sean turned from the group and placed his hand on the cold concrete wall feeling the vibrations of pure hatred. He rubbed his hand over the loose cement grating of a ledge, watching as dust and cracked grating fall to the floor. The turmoil this building must have seen through the years. It reminded him of the war torn buildings of his army days stationed in Somalia and Afghanistan. However, this civil unrest was in his backyard.
He gave thought to his soon-to-be wife, Jessica. A fellow correction officer, she was out there transporting one of the injured inmates to an outside medical facility. He hoped that meant she was out of harms way. He pictured the way her angelic face tilted when smiling at him. He saw the curves of her small frame and the way her fair skin caught the amber hue of the morning light from their bedroom window. Attribute’s that were quite deceiving since she’d be the first to jump in a situation of adversity.
He forced himself to remain focused. In conflict if you drift off, you lose your edge, and an edge often decided the victor. Sean kept his mind off of her by preparing himself, which he did by going through the motions again in his head. Keep a firm grip on the PR-15 riot baton. Keep eyes closed and ears covered when the flash-bang bomb goes off. Hold the position in line and remember training.
He turned his attention across the hall to where the CERT commander, Lt. Skinn, appeared to be arguing the point with the other lieutenants that more staff were needed. He watched as Lt. Skinn paused in place as if gathering his thoughts then turn to the CERT group. His commander gave a final contemptuous look at his fellow lieutenants, then moved toward the CERT formation with both poise and concern.
Sean sensed the unsettling feeling which came over the group when their leader gave the order to take positions. They were going to go in despite the manpower shortage. Sean glanced at his commander. If he was unsure of anything, he was not showing it. Sean knew Skinn was that type of person and had to be. Any lack of confidence by the leader would hurt their efforts as a whole. Lt. Skinn paced the group, tugging at gear and observing them like a father would his offspring. He stopped and stood before them.
“If there is anyone who feels they can’t do this, speak up now. I promise you it will not be held against you.”
Sean looked around to see who would respond first but no one did. Instead, one by one, the officers looked forward, mouths tight, emotionless.
“Whether you have trained with us in the past or have just drilled with us today, we all
Rate This Work
Your honest rating will help the author improve.
Please log in to rate.Discussion
I honestly don't know why they wouldn't like it. I thought it was amazing, the beginning really sort of reels you in. It was intriguing and made you want to read more, everything a prologue should do. Good job!
Dylan,
I like the level of detail that you've mastered here, but I'm afraid I wasn't able to finish reading the story. You have a good story, and from the first page it sounds like the potential for a very potent plot, and I like that. Youv'e got adversity, you've got good guys and bad guys, and main character shows some conflicted views about the situation - all in the first page-and-a-half.
However, where I ran into trouble is the amount of time spent telling rather than showing. The opening paragraph introduces a major problem that must be dealt with now, but then the following paragraphs pull us too far away. You lose time explaining the backstory. I would recommend that instead of explaining that the new recruits have only drilled a day, have your main character zero-in on one of the new guys. Say something like "Sean could see the sweat on the guy's face. He gave the guy a weak grin, but he could tell Frank was worried. Frank wiped his face. Sean didn't think that four hours of drilling with the CERT veterans would be enough - not on the other side of that fence."
Foreshadowing is a very potent tool - one that you use well here. Don't break the magic by saying what will happen. In the first page, you say that the next half hour will tear apart your protagonist's life - now I know the end of the story. Maybe I don't know the details, and maybe I don't know who wins, but you've told me all I need to know - this book is about a man's life getting ruined. Instead, you should focus on your details - the inmates, the CERT team members, the moment-by-moment decisions. Each moment should leave enough uncertainty in the future that we have to read further to satisfy curiosity. Yes, you'll tell the same story of a man's life changing forever, but it will hold me in my seat until the end.
Overall, I think you've got a great project here. I feel bad commenting when I didn't read all of it, but these style concerns really got to me. I still rate it three stars for detail, foreshadowing, and the overall concept.
Dylan,
*** Boy this was a violent piece. It's written with such detail it was hard not to see the action of the life and death struggle. Maybe it was me (being a romance writer) but in the begining, a couple of times my mind drifted in another direction, not sure why, but I had to focus back on the sentences and reread them again.
*** Even though the story is full of action and blood (for all the blood thirsty readers) I still drifted. It might have been all the descrption in the begining when you set the stage of what the main part of the story was about to reveal.
*** Knowing that setting the stage is important, to me its even more important if you start a story with something that grabs your reader and keeps them enthralled for as long as you can hold them. Then maybe settle it down some to give background and the like.
*** This story started with action but maybe you needed something more gripping, something like a single fight between a CERT and an inmate, then maybe do a flash back. Or maybe the flash bang being the very first thing the reader reads...
*** All in all it was written well with great detail as is your usual style. I know this...I reread my writings and my first reaction to what is written is usually what I know will be the reaction that my readers will have and if it doesn't mesh with me then I know it won't with them. So I rewrite until it excites me to the point of wanting to reread in order to feel that same excitement again and again. I hope you understand what it is I'm trying to say.
*** I'm a true fan of yours, so I hope this will help you. I know that you have the heart of a true writer in you and knowing that, you will make this story shine like the way I know you can. This story has the potential to be a truly magnificent work of art.***
Dylan,
I read the entire piece through and I have to tell you I loved the plot and conflict here. My main concern for the piece is that the 3rd person limited narrative constricts what you can and can't do with a story like this. I think that Ryan Edel was on to something with the show me don't tell me theory. Readers as a whole don't want to be told by the author what is going on, they want the characters to tell them. The distinction often times make the work either very successful or causes it to flop.
I understand the character backstory with the fiance CO out of harms way and the thoughts straying to her and I thought the were placed well - but it happened almost too often for my taste. It takes away from the buildup of the conflict.
The explaination of the flash-bang's purpose I thought was candid and well worded, but I was a little disappointed when the thing actually went off. Maybe Sean could "see" the scene a little more clearly before that steel door slides open.
Also - when you are dealing with a scene like this - its important to remember that jail settings are easily pictured for most people - sliding doors, inmates in orange, officers trying to stay in control in full swat gear, multi level tiers, etc - despite our belief as authors that readers are dumb (j/k) they really aren't and the often times see or want things we don't think of. Sean wouldn't notice things in the jail that are there everyday, like the doors or the walls or the other staple descriptions - instead he would notice the smoke billowing from the cells, or the inmates hanging from the railings - you want to really focus on the fine details here, because as someone trained in combat, Sean would notice things OUT of place, not in place, entering a conflict like this. You can lend a lot of views and descriptions to the basics by describing the out of place things, and I think it will make your characters more credible.
Depending on where the story goes from here, jail riots tend to be a tad overdone in the literary world. They are popular with readers, but to attack a genre like this, you need some plot or character or backstory that really stands out and pushes the envelope.
I was reeled in in the first couple lines, I drifted with all the description and the lead up to the invasion though. I think you lose the tone and tempo there a little bit - the story slows down where is should be building conflict and suspense, and then the action starts.
I would definitely keep reading - I just think for publication - that is probably what the editors are seeing. What sets this apart from other similar stories? Language? Characters? Twists? Plots? Conflicts? Action? You have to really decide where and who Sean is and let HIM tell the story.....
Okay, I need any and all criticism of this work. I think I’m going to grow old and die before getting it published. I’ll take your most brutal responses just so I can figure out why I can’t get an agent to like it.