The Dark Within, Chapter 0
novel, fiction, thriller
Published on:
Feb. 26, 2008, 9:53amWord Count:
2593Last Edited:
Apr. 10, 2008, 4:55pmWork Description
A story of life both beautiful and destructive. A modern day tale of the ageless struggle between the good and evil which rages both abroad and within us all. The Dark Within is in itself a double metaphor, meaning both a growing darkness in a lost soul and the absence of good in a physical place.
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to crawl back to their cells after the flash-bang went off. Sean
held his baton at mid-torso in front of him.
Right away Sean saw that some of the inmates appeared to know of CERT procedure in the event of a riot, probably from officers bragging when they shouldn’t have. They knew the flash-bang might be used and took precautions against it by putting mattresses over their heads.
An inmate ran up, yelling that he wanted to give up. Gritting his teeth, Sean rammed his baton into the inmate’s abdomen, bringing him to his knees. In situations like this there were no gray lines, just black or white, and any gray meant indecision. Indecision could be the difference between life or death.
Deadly force.
It was either you or them.
It was then that he saw the flash of metal and the steel shank the inmate had been concealing. The inmate began to raise the knife, and Sean knocked the shank out of his hands with his baton. A final blow to the inmate’s scapula brought him down. Sean looked up and noticed he was a few steps out of line. His gas mask was foggy as his breathing intensified. He found himself hating the fact that the gas mask obscured his vision. It was the humidity and smoke from the bomb in here, he thought, something they may have underestimated. His heart pounded, and as he stepped over the downed inmate to resume his place in line. Out of his peripheral vision he saw an officer behind him whisk the limp body away, placing white plastic “rip” restraints on him.
Sean watched as toilet paper and mop water was thrown on them from above. Smoke from small fires billowed from various cells. Sean took it all in for a second and thought to himself that this was war. A civil war fought out of everyone’s eyesight in the neighboring communities as they innocently went about their daily rituals. Yet in here, it felt like the rules no longer applied, like being in another country where no one really watched. Did anybody outside the prison walls really know what was going on?
Time seemed to stand still as he kept his lane of sight open. An inmate began to run right at him then obviously thought better of it and ran away. Through his gas mask, Sean noticed a thick spot of blood on his left arm and felt its warmth. He held his arm up to get a better look at it through his mask. To his relief it was not his. Sean saw that the formation had broken apart and several officers were beating a single inmate with their batons. He looked for the Lieutenant. The formation should never have broken apart like this, and that type of overzealous behavior had no place. Sean’s mask started to fog up again. It was too humid, smoky, and enclosed in here for it. Sean yelled and pulled at the officer next to him to return to formation. The officer turned like a madman, and Sean could see his wide eyes through the clear outsets of his mask. Before he could react, the frenzied officer hit Sean with his baton across the forehead, tearing Sean’s mask half off his face and knocking him to the ground.
He removed his mask and threw it to the floor. The masks were meant to allow the officers easy breathing in the smoky confines of the cellblock, but the inmates seemed to be having no trouble breathing themselves.
Blood trickled down Sean’s face from above his right eye where the baton had banged against the metal outsets. He watched as several inmates regrouped and charged from their cells, running toward the disorganized group of officers.
Remembering his training, Sean kept a firm grip on his baton and raised it up in time to deflect another attack. He got to one knee, and more inmates rushed him. It seemed that the entire cellblock was now in a rage, and he watched in horror as orange inmate uniforms surrounded and converged on the few officers of the CERT. He watched as the inmates poised themselves to overpower them. His new goal was to hold off the inmates until backup could arrive.
In the instant it took to flash in his mind’s eye, it registered that he couldn’t believe what was happening. There was no thought of consequence by the attackers. He could see the hatred in their
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I honestly don't know why they wouldn't like it. I thought it was amazing, the beginning really sort of reels you in. It was intriguing and made you want to read more, everything a prologue should do. Good job!
Dylan,
I like the level of detail that you've mastered here, but I'm afraid I wasn't able to finish reading the story. You have a good story, and from the first page it sounds like the potential for a very potent plot, and I like that. Youv'e got adversity, you've got good guys and bad guys, and main character shows some conflicted views about the situation - all in the first page-and-a-half.
However, where I ran into trouble is the amount of time spent telling rather than showing. The opening paragraph introduces a major problem that must be dealt with now, but then the following paragraphs pull us too far away. You lose time explaining the backstory. I would recommend that instead of explaining that the new recruits have only drilled a day, have your main character zero-in on one of the new guys. Say something like "Sean could see the sweat on the guy's face. He gave the guy a weak grin, but he could tell Frank was worried. Frank wiped his face. Sean didn't think that four hours of drilling with the CERT veterans would be enough - not on the other side of that fence."
Foreshadowing is a very potent tool - one that you use well here. Don't break the magic by saying what will happen. In the first page, you say that the next half hour will tear apart your protagonist's life - now I know the end of the story. Maybe I don't know the details, and maybe I don't know who wins, but you've told me all I need to know - this book is about a man's life getting ruined. Instead, you should focus on your details - the inmates, the CERT team members, the moment-by-moment decisions. Each moment should leave enough uncertainty in the future that we have to read further to satisfy curiosity. Yes, you'll tell the same story of a man's life changing forever, but it will hold me in my seat until the end.
Overall, I think you've got a great project here. I feel bad commenting when I didn't read all of it, but these style concerns really got to me. I still rate it three stars for detail, foreshadowing, and the overall concept.
Dylan,
*** Boy this was a violent piece. It's written with such detail it was hard not to see the action of the life and death struggle. Maybe it was me (being a romance writer) but in the begining, a couple of times my mind drifted in another direction, not sure why, but I had to focus back on the sentences and reread them again.
*** Even though the story is full of action and blood (for all the blood thirsty readers) I still drifted. It might have been all the descrption in the begining when you set the stage of what the main part of the story was about to reveal.
*** Knowing that setting the stage is important, to me its even more important if you start a story with something that grabs your reader and keeps them enthralled for as long as you can hold them. Then maybe settle it down some to give background and the like.
*** This story started with action but maybe you needed something more gripping, something like a single fight between a CERT and an inmate, then maybe do a flash back. Or maybe the flash bang being the very first thing the reader reads...
*** All in all it was written well with great detail as is your usual style. I know this...I reread my writings and my first reaction to what is written is usually what I know will be the reaction that my readers will have and if it doesn't mesh with me then I know it won't with them. So I rewrite until it excites me to the point of wanting to reread in order to feel that same excitement again and again. I hope you understand what it is I'm trying to say.
*** I'm a true fan of yours, so I hope this will help you. I know that you have the heart of a true writer in you and knowing that, you will make this story shine like the way I know you can. This story has the potential to be a truly magnificent work of art.***
Dylan,
I read the entire piece through and I have to tell you I loved the plot and conflict here. My main concern for the piece is that the 3rd person limited narrative constricts what you can and can't do with a story like this. I think that Ryan Edel was on to something with the show me don't tell me theory. Readers as a whole don't want to be told by the author what is going on, they want the characters to tell them. The distinction often times make the work either very successful or causes it to flop.
I understand the character backstory with the fiance CO out of harms way and the thoughts straying to her and I thought the were placed well - but it happened almost too often for my taste. It takes away from the buildup of the conflict.
The explaination of the flash-bang's purpose I thought was candid and well worded, but I was a little disappointed when the thing actually went off. Maybe Sean could "see" the scene a little more clearly before that steel door slides open.
Also - when you are dealing with a scene like this - its important to remember that jail settings are easily pictured for most people - sliding doors, inmates in orange, officers trying to stay in control in full swat gear, multi level tiers, etc - despite our belief as authors that readers are dumb (j/k) they really aren't and the often times see or want things we don't think of. Sean wouldn't notice things in the jail that are there everyday, like the doors or the walls or the other staple descriptions - instead he would notice the smoke billowing from the cells, or the inmates hanging from the railings - you want to really focus on the fine details here, because as someone trained in combat, Sean would notice things OUT of place, not in place, entering a conflict like this. You can lend a lot of views and descriptions to the basics by describing the out of place things, and I think it will make your characters more credible.
Depending on where the story goes from here, jail riots tend to be a tad overdone in the literary world. They are popular with readers, but to attack a genre like this, you need some plot or character or backstory that really stands out and pushes the envelope.
I was reeled in in the first couple lines, I drifted with all the description and the lead up to the invasion though. I think you lose the tone and tempo there a little bit - the story slows down where is should be building conflict and suspense, and then the action starts.
I would definitely keep reading - I just think for publication - that is probably what the editors are seeing. What sets this apart from other similar stories? Language? Characters? Twists? Plots? Conflicts? Action? You have to really decide where and who Sean is and let HIM tell the story.....
Okay, I need any and all criticism of this work. I think I’m going to grow old and die before getting it published. I’ll take your most brutal responses just so I can figure out why I can’t get an agent to like it.