The Dark Within, Chapter 0
novel, fiction, thriller
Published on:
Feb. 26, 2008, 9:53amWord Count:
2593Last Edited:
Apr. 10, 2008, 4:55pmWork Description
A story of life both beautiful and destructive. A modern day tale of the ageless struggle between the good and evil which rages both abroad and within us all. The Dark Within is in itself a double metaphor, meaning both a growing darkness in a lost soul and the absence of good in a physical place.
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eyes, fed on as a whole. No one, not even he, had thought the
inmates were capable of such blatant disregard for their own lives.
The officers were right in assuming the inmates had no definitive
goal, but it had turned out that the officers were wrong to judge
the level and momentum of the inmates’ blind hatred of their
authority.
Something caught Sean’s eye, and he looked to the corner where Lieutenant Skinn lay lifeless on the ground. The sight enraged him and he screamed, running over to the group of inmates. He began yanking them one by one away from several downed officers. In a primal rage, he fought violently, using his baton, his hands, and even dropped inmates’ weapons. The inmates kept coming though. As many as he downed, more came. He realized he was only one of a few officers left fighting now. Exhausted, he found he could no longer hold them at bay. Where was his backup? Suddenly, he felt his legs give way.
“Now you’re done, mutherfucker!”
From behind, an inmate knocked Sean’s legs from under him. Sean attempted to get on his feet once again but felt a sharp pain on his back, at the bottom of his neck above the vest. Falling back to the ground, he felt a tremendous pressure consume him, and he suddenly fell weak, his vision blurred. He lay face up and lifted his head from the floor to see the lieutenants that had previously argued with Lt. Skinn. They were out of harm’s way watching from behind the only exit.
It remained secured.
He wondered why they weren’t responding. His head lolled back to the floor. An inmate loomed over him with a bloody shiv in his hand. A chill ran through Sean and he felt himself becoming clammy as if he were going to be sick. The room began to spin violently, and his eyelids flickered to remain in control.
They say that before death, one’s life appears before one’s eyes. Instead, Sean found his mind wandering through a field of images of the previous twenty-four hours.
Then, slowly, everything fade to black.
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I honestly don't know why they wouldn't like it. I thought it was amazing, the beginning really sort of reels you in. It was intriguing and made you want to read more, everything a prologue should do. Good job!
Dylan,
I like the level of detail that you've mastered here, but I'm afraid I wasn't able to finish reading the story. You have a good story, and from the first page it sounds like the potential for a very potent plot, and I like that. Youv'e got adversity, you've got good guys and bad guys, and main character shows some conflicted views about the situation - all in the first page-and-a-half.
However, where I ran into trouble is the amount of time spent telling rather than showing. The opening paragraph introduces a major problem that must be dealt with now, but then the following paragraphs pull us too far away. You lose time explaining the backstory. I would recommend that instead of explaining that the new recruits have only drilled a day, have your main character zero-in on one of the new guys. Say something like "Sean could see the sweat on the guy's face. He gave the guy a weak grin, but he could tell Frank was worried. Frank wiped his face. Sean didn't think that four hours of drilling with the CERT veterans would be enough - not on the other side of that fence."
Foreshadowing is a very potent tool - one that you use well here. Don't break the magic by saying what will happen. In the first page, you say that the next half hour will tear apart your protagonist's life - now I know the end of the story. Maybe I don't know the details, and maybe I don't know who wins, but you've told me all I need to know - this book is about a man's life getting ruined. Instead, you should focus on your details - the inmates, the CERT team members, the moment-by-moment decisions. Each moment should leave enough uncertainty in the future that we have to read further to satisfy curiosity. Yes, you'll tell the same story of a man's life changing forever, but it will hold me in my seat until the end.
Overall, I think you've got a great project here. I feel bad commenting when I didn't read all of it, but these style concerns really got to me. I still rate it three stars for detail, foreshadowing, and the overall concept.
Dylan,
*** Boy this was a violent piece. It's written with such detail it was hard not to see the action of the life and death struggle. Maybe it was me (being a romance writer) but in the begining, a couple of times my mind drifted in another direction, not sure why, but I had to focus back on the sentences and reread them again.
*** Even though the story is full of action and blood (for all the blood thirsty readers) I still drifted. It might have been all the descrption in the begining when you set the stage of what the main part of the story was about to reveal.
*** Knowing that setting the stage is important, to me its even more important if you start a story with something that grabs your reader and keeps them enthralled for as long as you can hold them. Then maybe settle it down some to give background and the like.
*** This story started with action but maybe you needed something more gripping, something like a single fight between a CERT and an inmate, then maybe do a flash back. Or maybe the flash bang being the very first thing the reader reads...
*** All in all it was written well with great detail as is your usual style. I know this...I reread my writings and my first reaction to what is written is usually what I know will be the reaction that my readers will have and if it doesn't mesh with me then I know it won't with them. So I rewrite until it excites me to the point of wanting to reread in order to feel that same excitement again and again. I hope you understand what it is I'm trying to say.
*** I'm a true fan of yours, so I hope this will help you. I know that you have the heart of a true writer in you and knowing that, you will make this story shine like the way I know you can. This story has the potential to be a truly magnificent work of art.***
Dylan,
I read the entire piece through and I have to tell you I loved the plot and conflict here. My main concern for the piece is that the 3rd person limited narrative constricts what you can and can't do with a story like this. I think that Ryan Edel was on to something with the show me don't tell me theory. Readers as a whole don't want to be told by the author what is going on, they want the characters to tell them. The distinction often times make the work either very successful or causes it to flop.
I understand the character backstory with the fiance CO out of harms way and the thoughts straying to her and I thought the were placed well - but it happened almost too often for my taste. It takes away from the buildup of the conflict.
The explaination of the flash-bang's purpose I thought was candid and well worded, but I was a little disappointed when the thing actually went off. Maybe Sean could "see" the scene a little more clearly before that steel door slides open.
Also - when you are dealing with a scene like this - its important to remember that jail settings are easily pictured for most people - sliding doors, inmates in orange, officers trying to stay in control in full swat gear, multi level tiers, etc - despite our belief as authors that readers are dumb (j/k) they really aren't and the often times see or want things we don't think of. Sean wouldn't notice things in the jail that are there everyday, like the doors or the walls or the other staple descriptions - instead he would notice the smoke billowing from the cells, or the inmates hanging from the railings - you want to really focus on the fine details here, because as someone trained in combat, Sean would notice things OUT of place, not in place, entering a conflict like this. You can lend a lot of views and descriptions to the basics by describing the out of place things, and I think it will make your characters more credible.
Depending on where the story goes from here, jail riots tend to be a tad overdone in the literary world. They are popular with readers, but to attack a genre like this, you need some plot or character or backstory that really stands out and pushes the envelope.
I was reeled in in the first couple lines, I drifted with all the description and the lead up to the invasion though. I think you lose the tone and tempo there a little bit - the story slows down where is should be building conflict and suspense, and then the action starts.
I would definitely keep reading - I just think for publication - that is probably what the editors are seeing. What sets this apart from other similar stories? Language? Characters? Twists? Plots? Conflicts? Action? You have to really decide where and who Sean is and let HIM tell the story.....
Okay, I need any and all criticism of this work. I think I’m going to grow old and die before getting it published. I’ll take your most brutal responses just so I can figure out why I can’t get an agent to like it.