***I feel like such a fool...but I read your chapter 2 first...When I came here it was with alot of inquiry to who everyone was. I got my answers. This is a story that I guess most would call a real page turner... Of course there are mistakes but they get over looked by me when I get into a story. Besides I'm not really the type to tear into someones works, I do that enough on my own writing. I'm sure if you reread everything again "out loud" you will see your minor mistakes. Its what works for me. You have such a talent to write about the way life is or can be, almost like we are living it the way your characters are. Great visuals were created, I saw the story unfold before me in techno color! I can actually see this becoming a novel....good job!***

Hi Dylan,

I have a few comments which I hope can offer a bit of help. First, you've got an interesting premise. Not necessarily one that hasn't been done before, but it's always interesting to get into the minds and the humanity of thieves-- because, well, who hasn't imagined what it'd be like to have millions of dollars, stolen or not? (The intriguing part is how it's obtained.) So I'm copying your summary description here:

Four lifetime friends share a common bond. They all steal for a living and are pretty lucrative at it until their biggest job yet. A bank heist that went terribly wrong. Now they are on the run from the cops, the mob and crazed bounty hunters.

This makes me think it's going to be about these four friends, probably in their 30s or 40s. Not necessarily professionals like in Heat or adrenaline junkies of Point Break, and certainly not career criminals that the average reader can't identify with. No, I just imagine four regular Joes who can pull off heists-- and are getting good at it. The fact that they're regular Joes (if that's what they are) makes for a good premise. Their humanity lets an average reader's imagination wander-- if just to wander-- and think, "hmm... I wonder what it'd be like if I was a thief!"

Well, on to the story. And my primary concern: Chapter 1 doesn't introduce (at least as far as I can tell) any one of the four friends, nor give any hint about their success as thieves. That is, unless Kyle or Montana are two of the four. But I didn't think so, because they're kids. If you're setting this up as a prologue to establish who the main characters are at a later point, I think it's very risky. In Chapter 1, I generally want to know a) basic setting for the majority of the story, including its main characters, b) tone/mood of the majority of the narrative, and c) an idea of where the plot is headed. Now, that doesn't mean this needs to all be explicit. I just want hints-- and hints work great in creating enough mystery to "hook" the reader into the story. (By the way, by mystery, I'm not saying it needs to be in the genre of "mystery". It just helps if you get the reader thinking, "hmmm... I wonder what's gonna happen next!").

On the contrary, if Kyle and Montana are just kids in the neighborhood, and the main characters are their dads, well, then this chapter doesn't feel necessary.

However, there are two things that happen with Kyle and Montana that I felt worked quite well. Montana is a jaded, man-hating army BRAT. She's also a brat in the literal sense... and she gets her ass handed to her when she yells at Jake. I loved it. Also, Kyle's relationship with his autistic brother Jake is very believable. I respected the characterization of both people-- they're made out to be real people, not caricatures-- and I know there's depth to his rough exterior. I liked him too. And the action is depicted with subtlety. I'm engaged by both characters and I respect them as well. Therefore, if they aren't major characters I would save this for a later chapter, and hook us in Chapter 1 with something instead of character development.

As far as the actual writing goes, I would like to offer these comments:

By dusk the whole bedroom had been articulately set up. The walls were adorn with a cluster of posters such as Pink Floyd’s, The Wall, Dirty Harry and a velvet print of an Alice in Wonderland like caterpillar smoking a bong in the woods. Her bookshelf was stocked with her favorite authors and stories like V.C. Andrews, Flowers in the Attic, Stephen King’s Carrie and a new one she just finished reading by Alice Walker called The Color Purple. Her bedroom gave the appearance as if she had lived here forever.

First paragraphs are critical in hooking the reader. To me, this felt a little like a checklist. I want more tone/mood established, and maybe less specifics on the items in the room. What is important about these items? I'd rather begin with her view from the window at the upturned bike. Then I'd wonder, "who is this girl? what about the bike has arrested her vision?" then go into her moods and thoughts about what she hates about men staring at her-- ironic, since she's staring at him.

Also, I want a name and age-range much earlier. It's not until the scene-change that we hear "Montana."

It was getting darker and cooler now. She’d been gazing out her bedroom window at the colorful Christmas lights that lined the houses up and down the block. Lights that garnished palm trees and palmetto bushes. The neighborhood dogs barked in the foreground and her father snored downstairs. Her father had fallen asleep after another drunken stupor, allowing her the time to relax after a day of moving in and getting everything situated. Finally affording her the time to gather her thoughts, reflect and compare.

By this point, we need to establish the sense of story and character. This can be accomplished through mood, narrative tone, and emotion. OR it can be done through visuals of something actively happening. Thus far it's just an image of a boy fixing a bike.

Also, the Christmas images conflict with the notion of a boy outside at sundown with a bike, which are spring/summer images.

It used to be easy. Just when she’d get sick of the general surroundings and the people around her it was time to pick up and move on again. At least this was the reasoning she had come to rely on when she was younger. Now that she was in high-school, the constant moving around was proving to be a real drag. Regardless, this place was far better than the shit holes her family had become accustomed to -both overseas and in the US of A.

I found passive voice throughout much of your prose. This is just an example. It's the major difference between hearing spoken words and looking at words on a page.

Her father always said it took a special person to be a Marine. He of course had been referring to himself but she knew it to be true for the family of a Marine as well. Being a Marine wasn’t just about her father or his life but their lifestyle as well. Every place they’d lived at prior to here was much to be desired. Whether it was on post with the constant sounds of battleground training or off post with the constant sounds of the typical American urban warfare. Police and ambulance sirns and arguing neighbors in competition to her own parents. It was always a Marines life. Always surrounded by Marines that worked, played and, it seemed, fought hard both on and off te battlefield. It didn't help that her father managed to find worse living conditions time after time, base after base.

Several instances of author intrusion, where it's evident the author wants the reader to know a little backstory. I won't list all the instances, but I recommend taking a look at this chapter and temporarily cutting all of the explanation. Just try it. Save a copy of the original text on another word document. But see if the narrative is unaltered without the explanation. In most cases, if anything the plot will move faster.

The main idea here is that your reader may not be as invested in the character as you, the author, is. Most authors know way more about their worlds and characters than is actually put on the page. (That's why Chris Columbus hired JK Rowling as a consultant while he directed the first Harry Potter films. He didn't know where lakes were in relation to which castle, which mountain, etc. But JK Rowling had drawn a map! But that map, and the explanation of where everything was, never made it into any of her books)

To run away and never look back.

Up until this point, it's all explanation. There's no action. Nothing for a reader to visualize.

Also, who is the narrator? I know it's a 3PL POV. But now and then, it seems like the narrator has an opinion about stuff. Unless you can assign those opinions to a character, it's author intrusion. Otherwise, why not write it as a 1POV?

The daughter of a Gunnery Sergeant had to be even stronger. Had to be versatile. Bla, Bla, Bla, so on and so forth. She had reached the point long ago that when he spoke she just tuned him out. It was the same rigmarole each time. As long as she sold some false motivation and responded with all the key words like, Yes, Daddy. Your right. And, I understand, she could keep him off her back. At least until the next time he felt something in his universe wasn’t quite right.

This is better. Much better. You get her attitude. You let the reader imagine their relationship-- without telling it. It's really all you need.

Her mother dealt with it all in her own way.

We're back in explanations...

“Why don’t you take a picture, it will last longer you fucking pervert!” she yelled down to him with such conviction the dogs stopped barking and her father stirred downstairs. She froze, her sudden malice surprising even herself.

At first I felt this was abrupt and surprising. Usually you want a main character to be likable in chapter 1. Again, I don't know if she's a main character (after reading the whole chapter). But in retrospect, I liked how she gets it thrown back in her face.

However, I'd omit "She froze, her sudden malice surprising even herself" because I feel it works more cleanly if you make her a straight-out bitch for the moment, and let her feel humbled when she says "Stupid, Montana. Real stupid."

Again, I liked that punchline a lot.

It had been a long day and it appeared she was making friends here quickly as anywhere else she had been. Possibly it would be best to end the day before she could do any more damage. She still had makeup on and wore only a pale blue, oversized nightshirt with matching shorts underneath she had thrown on to finish her room. She reached over and clicked off the light and slouched into her bed as is. With the light from the window, the cool breeze and the sound of her dad snoring and the dogs barking outside she found her way to sleep.

This paragraph wasn't necessary at all, for me. I just skimmed right over it.

Screaming could be heard from inside the house. Screaming from his brother Jake, downstairs in a fit and his mother counter-screaming from upstairs for him to take care of it. As he entered he took a deep breath to prepare himself once more. He had endured many years of caring for his little brother and calming him down in times like these. These outbursts started when Jake was little. Now that he was in his teens these outbursts were farer and fewer between. Yet time had still not made his brother any less the juvenile in certain ways at times. He hated when he got like this.

Here you switch POV to Jake. Now, normally POV shifting within the same chapter is a big turnoff for me, but it all depends on what your intentions are for these characters. Just be careful and cognizant about what you do with POV shifting, why, and at which point in your story.

Nonetheless, the section I highlighted is more intrusive explanation. It's not necessary.

No reply came. He knew the answer already. She couldn’t deal with it so he would have to. Just as he always had. He went to the stereo, took an album out and counting the intervals of smooth vinyl areas indicating where each song started and ended. He gently placed the needle on the desired space and song he wanted to hear then he hurried over and took his brother in his arms, holding his arms steady from flailing about and further harming both of them. The song was Drive by the Cars. Although his brother appeared indifferent toward music in general this song always seemed to calm him down. Maybe it was the natural lullaby of the tune itself or the infatuation his brother had with cars and driving. Whatever it was it worked.

I'd pare this down to only the action that is required-- some of the details, like the name of the song, felt unnecessary. Also, the action felt too specific. It sounded like stage directions instead of prose. You can let the reader imagine the tantrum by describing what the flailing arms look like, the crashing sound of whatever those arms hit, and how the softness of the music gradually lessens the sounds of crashing.

There was no mistaking that Jake and Kyle Anderson were brothers.

This paragraph, again, is author-intrusive.

“No…Not that one. That’s a nineteen eighty-one Grand Fury. Full size. Nineteen seventy one Plymouth Fury is missing. Not that one. Not that one.” He began to rock back and forth in agitation again but before Jake got worse Kyle held out the missing car for him to see.

“Nineteen-seventy one Plymouth Fury. Mid size. Four door. Stacked headlights in a chrome bumper. Two twenty-five, slant six engine. Black and white design. New York Police Department logo…” Jake went on and on, like a living encyclopedia.

Sounds too much like Rain Man. Even if it sounds like that in real life, I would try to steer clear from being compared to Dustin Hoffman.

Kyle liked testing his brother from time to time. It was an awesome thing to see, especially knowing his brother as he did. One minute he would be a baby having a tantrum and the next he could pick out a missing car out of a stack of cars without so much as a glance. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

Felt out of context.

The record player finished with a repetitive static like scratching sound. The arm lifted up and replaced itself on it’s holder. His brother had lined up the cars it appeared by year and was now getting a closer look. Making sure the front bumpers were lined up flush. As far back as Kyle could remember Jake never really played with the cars. He was fascinated by them and he learned all he could about them but he never pretended to drive them around. There was no makeshift peril or adventure like he imagined as a kid playing with cars. No role playing. It was as if Jake was devoid of imagination. He just systematically lined them up each and every time, taking inventory and making sure they were all there. All the while repeating information about each and every one like some electronic, monotone voiced packet of information. Kyle found this ritual sometimes a bit unnerving but he dealt with it mainly because his brother was content with it and it was part of the every day schedule. Much like a baby, his brother needed to abide by a daily schedule or it would upset the very balance of everything else needing to be accomplished each day.

The highlighted portion was a bit too much detail for describing action.

The rest of the paragraph felt a little explainy/back-story-ish to me.

Kyle looked at his watch. It was almost time for Jake’s favorite show, the A-Team. Afterward was the brushing of teeth and bed. By nine hopefully both his mother and his brother would be asleep and he would have some time to himself. Then he would abide by the only schedule he had grown accustomed to. Sneaking into his mothers liquor cabinet and getting drunk while watching MTV.

Okay, this gives Kyle depth and complexity. Good.

However, I feel it's lacking a true hook to pull the reader into Chapter 2. If suddenly Kyle heard a large crash, or someone strange walked into the room, or he smelled smoke... well, those are hooks. Something to make the reader go, "hmm, that's unusual! I wonder what it is!" so that turning the page is irresistible.

I hope this helps. I appreciate the maturity you've put into your characters, and while I don't know what you intend to do with your characters, I do think you know them well enough to carve out an intelligent, emotionally sophisticated story.

Best of luck.

 Dylan, I am new here and trying to find my way around.  Your's is the 2nd I have read and I found it very interesting.  I am hooked at Chapter I.  I did see minor errors but it all felt the story line was forming.  I am interested to see how Kyle, Jake, Montana and the emotionally absent parents form into the following chapters.  I will be reading more. 

What I felt as I read - that we, as parents, never understand in the moments what we do to our children emotionally that stay with them for life.  I can see Montana going in many different directions, as well as Kyle.  I like both characters from the beginning.  Kyle appears strong, fair, protective and slightly disburbed.  Montana rebellious, angry and perhaps a little anti-social.  That's just what I got.

Good job!

PK

Hi Dylan,

I don't have too much to say. I just wanted to reiterate what some others have already said. You've done some really excellent work here. Like others, I'm hooked. I was impressed by the depth of your characters. I agree, they do feel like real, living, breathing people. I thought the window-watching scene was great! I'm normally not into action/adventure stories too much, but the humanity you've put into these characters has my attention.

From your description of the piece, I think it's safe to say that it's clear these kids (I'm not sure about Kyle yet) are the main characters --before they became thieves.

There were some typos here and there, but nothing big enough to get in the way of my reading.

I also really appreciate the work you put into giving us the setting. A lot of stories I've read on this site so far float around in-between dimensions, never bringing up their location. Setting is critical, though, and I appreciate that you've brought one to life for us.

Also, I agree with Russell that the first paragraph feels like description for setting up a scene in a script, rather than part of a novel. The words "such as" and "like" before the lists of posters and books contribute to that. Compared to the rest of the piece, I would say this paragraph is much weaker.

One last note-- i was confused by the last sentence of the first paragraph on page 2.

Mom was long gone and there would be no way she was about to follow.

The "she" was ambiguous, but on reading it through a second time, I got it. That's all.

Again, thanks for writing. I enjoyed it very much!