I've Lost the War
romance, young adult, poetry
Published on:
May 8, 10:04pmWord Count:
91Last Edited:
May 16, 8:16pmWork Description
a poem about losing love.
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Bled and scorned by words unspoken,
Violence passing overhead,
Bombarded now my life is broken,
I can’t take back what I’ve said.
You’ve left me here to drown in nothing,
I can’t breathe, my body numbs,
Mindlessly I search for something,
It hurts that you will never come.
I’ve lost this war I’m barely living,
You knew the outcome all along,
Dropping bombs so unforgiving,
I should have known this love was wrong.
Heart that’s broken, conscience weak,
I slowly drink myself to sleep.
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A sonnet 'I've lost the war' is a good attempt. But sonnet has a strict rules about syllables and rhyming scheme. You got three quartrains and last two lines coreect but no attention to either syllables count or rhymes is given. There should be either 8,10,12 syllables per line and rhyming shouls either a/abb, or abab per stanza.
Otherwise, the thought process is good. Reader don't understand the 'you' in the poem.
A good read and good effort,
With some more careful work it could be a Sonnet , poet wants to write.
Thank you for sharing it,
Jaya H.
I’ve lost this war I’m barely living,
My only critique is of this line, as I am unsure if the war is what you're barely living, or if you've lost a war and are barely living.
Other than that, I loved the rhythm, mood and style of this poem. It's dark, brooding, sad and very developed. But I agree with Jaya above... it's not a "sonnet" in the purest sense of the word.
The theme was really easy to grasp. War and love, right? :] It does prove a really good insight, too. I can totally tell the sadness, and sort of the anger and confusion.
It does create a mood as well, but its a semi-depressing mood. Okay, not so much depressing as sad. It isnt just venting, it totally creates and sends a message. It seems to be only for yourself, more than proving anything to anyone. The mood is maintained very effectively.
It uses some imagery, but I'm sure there could be more used.
These kind of stood out to me.
You’ve left me here to drown in nothing,
I can’t breathe, my body numbs,
Bled and scorned by words unspoken,
Violence passing overhead,
Bombarded now my life is broken,
I can’t take back what I’ve said.
The "violence" and being "bombarded" tied back to the war
theme, which I thought was clever. 
The whole thing is sortof metaphorical, is it not? What I said earlier about the bombardment and the violence worked to keep up the metaphor of love being like a war.
The meter is amazing. It worked really well with the theme and the poem. It was sortof slow seeming just because the a-b-a-b scheme. It would have been quicker it it was a-a-b-b.
But I LIKE the slower metering. It feels really good.
This is seeming REALLY repetitive, but I do like your vocabulary. Like I said, [twice already,] "violence" and "bombarded" are my favorite, but I also liked :
I’ve lost this war I’m barely living,
You knew the outcome all along,
Dropping bombs so unforgiving,
I should have known this love was wrong.
The "war" and "dropping bombs" further tied to the theme of war.
And the outcome was good too, just in that every war has an outcome.
I didn't see any spelling issuses or grammar problems. :]
Really really well written. I dont think I can
express how much I like this poem.
Wow, i just fell completely into the poem. It felt like you just swept me off my feet that peom was freakin awsome. There is like nothin i would change about it. And love is really what you speak of, confusing and mind numbing. Very good ....and very true.
I love the theme of this piece you wrote and your idea of sadness in this piece was very unorthodox with the "love & war" scenario.
I'm not gonna front, I was depressed reading the piece. Because, I've been there and done with the girl I was dating a long time ago, plus I feel connected to this one that's why I'm saying how I'm feelin' this beautifully written sonnet.
I dig the imagery, too.
I'm on the same page Ms. Roberts about it being metaphorical (But in case I'm off base on metaphors in, she can brush me up and so can everyone else here on this web site.) With words "bombarded" and "violence" being the words to point out love being like a war that's I'm thinking is what keeping the pace of this sonnet you attempted.
The rhyme & meter was a nice touch. I liked very much. I'm not mad at it! You did good.
Nothing wrong here with this area.
The spelling was awsome you did good here.
Well Eli, that's all the two cents I got for you on this sonnet you've tried to write. This was a very true and wonderful work (Yeah, I said wonderful. I'm nice like that). I ain't mad at your "I've Lost the War"! This is some thing we all can relate to when comes to love, I mean it can be war, it can a mystery, it can be anything.
Nice work! 1 love!
Well done. Very good. You expressed youself in the best possible way. That was amazing. It was one of them poems that you just can't stop reading you just have to keep going. You did a very good job with putting that piece together sort of like doing a puzzle, everything has to be in the right place or it's not complete. You are extremely gifted and you should certainly take that for granted. Good Job. and thanks for your time. I hope to be reading more pieces by you in the future so keep them coming. Thanks for your time.
Hello, Eli Hart! This is a great poem that you have done and during my view on this work, I saw no errors whatsoever! I encourage you to keep on writing!