Until My End
young adult, drama, romance, poetry
Published on:
April 30, 4:07amWord Count:
186Last Edited:
May 22, 11:41pmWork Description
a poem about heartbreak and a longing to rekindle old flames.
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A deadly thought from a vacant heart,
your hushed in silence, i feel you scream,
bury yourself in the utmost torture,
wake up my love, its just a dream,
a nightmare haunts you through the night,
im so concerned, please let me help,
cold blooded endings raise the fright,
please take my hand, please make this stop,
She looked at me through bright blue eyes,
i cant go on, its not the same,
more and more the fear will rise,
my misconceptions are to blame,
one more chance, its all i need,
she said, "its over, save your speech,"
now my demons rule my mind,
im paralyzed, im trapped in time,
i cannot eat, i cannot sleep,
i cannot think, my mind is weak,
dont get me wrong, i understand,
why your fingers leave my hand,
why i was wrong, why you were right,
i am the one who cried last night,
just so you know, i now know why,
youve left my cold heart, here to die,
now i hope until my end,
we find each other, once again....
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Wow...... That was great. I really enjoyed it. I hope you continue. I liked the theme, it was easy to relate to with my own past mistakes.
I like this alot, but I think it could be better.
your hushed in silence, i feel you scream,
bury yourself in the utmost torture,
These two lines are hard to fallow, I kinda get them by their self but when you add the rest of your work its hard to see were these two lines fit.
now my demons rule my mind,
im paralyzed, im trapped in time,
i cannot eat, i cannot sleep,
i cannot think, my mind is weak,
This has to be the part I like the best. The only part I think could have been done differently was
now my demons rule my mind
Try "now the demons" or "now demons rule my mind" not useing "my" two times will help with the flow.
Over all I like this, that is why I critiqued it. I love it and hope for more from you. Keep writing!
Hey, another great work. I like this piece. I wonder if you have a reason though for not capitalizing the i's? You had some great rhyme scheme goin on there, and it would be cool if you could adjust the few places that don't rhyme. It shouldn't take much.
I really liked the message of this work. I think the
thought was captured in an easy to understand style which is
becoming to the overall story. I was thinking that the last line
about hoping until the end, it would help if you had one more
sylable: maybe, I will hope until "my" end, would work. 
I am looking forward to reading what you think up next.
I know it is a little petty, but I really feel that my brain consumes poetry better if the stanzas are broken up. It only takes one little line in between to make it more palatable to the eye.
Good luck.. Write on!
Eli, my man! I liked this piece alot! Though you could capitalize the i's and add some puncuation a little bit more like "cant" it's "can't".
Well, that's all for me. Hope to hear from you again sometime. I'll keep it locked right here for ya! Peace!
i really enjoyed this. I think that it was good but i think it would be better if you made all the lines rhyme. You have already started doing this so why not finish it. other than that good job