Memorial
poetry, short story, non-fiction, war, pain, death, struggle
Published on:
Apr. 10, 2008, 5:39pmWord Count:
525Work Description
Yes, war kills, but what about those who survive?
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have comforted me
Now innocence is just a fairytale
A respite for the addled mind
A dream only shared by the youngest
Who aren’t yet old enough to understand
The memory of what we all once had
My life today holds no joy
No hopes or dreams or passion
I wait patiently for the comfort of death
But yet I refuse to seek it for myself
I live for no other reason than for those who refuse to see
And to force those who would turn away
To bear witness to this wasted life and
Remember
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Wow, this poem is really good. I can feel the emotion, and the poem almost made me cry. I agree with the person above me that I don’t know what war you are talking about, I’m assuming any war, am I right, but I see what you are trying to convey. It was a really good poem. I was very impressed with it. Keep up the good work. I would like to see more from you. Have a nice day.
Hi Elle...hope this finds you well!!
I like this very much. No matter what war you are speaking of-- this details and puts out the feelings of being so full of life and wishes and dreams, to someone that has had EVERYTHING taken away from her.
I can somewhat relate to this and I think you did a beautiful job of putting words into picture format, so that your readers are drawn into what is your loss--- your fears and your worse nightmares.
This is one of my favorite parts:
My life today holds no joy No hopes or dreams or passion I wait patiently for the comfort of death But yet I refuse to seek it for myself I live for no other reason than for those who refuse to see And to force those who would turn away To bear witness to this wasted life and Remember
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us!! I look forward to reading and commenting on other works of yours. You have a gift, please continue to share it with us so we can enjoy your pieces.
Sincerely,
Gail
Hey Elle =)
First before I begin my critique, I have to thank you for this piece. I recently lost a friend who I had grown up with - not a lover, and not to war - but the past week has been very painful as I attempt to understand my own loss and what it means for my beliefs and my life. This poem did very well in portraying that sorrow, that burning sense of loss where you just can't understand how the rest of us can live on after one close to us has perished before their time. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone in my grieving.
That being said, I of course really liked this piece. I do however have a few suggestions, for you to take or leave as you will. You're a much better poet than myself =)
How much in love we were
I think "much" is a bit icky here, for lack of a better term. This phrase could be improved by replacing it with something like "madly" or some other descriptive adverb, or by taking it out completely.
Ignored the implications
As if they were pestering insects
That we could shoo away as we went on about our life
I'm the type of person who favors metaphor over simile in poetry, and I think this bit could be more by changing it as such. This however is merely a stylistic preference.
But your life was consumed by the blast
This seems a bit too concrete for the tone you're using. Try alluding to how he was killed, but not come right out and say it, and see if you like it any better that way.
Swept away by death’s cruel breath
I loved this line. Normally I would cringe at consonance but this personification makes me not even care about it.
I live for no other reason than for those who refuse to see
And again, I love this line. It's very powerful.
To conclude, once again, very nice work =) Thanks for the great read, and best of luck with your future writing.
Hello, I really liked your poem, it's beautifully sad.
I am almost too afraid to give my opinion and the fact that I really am no good at this. But!
I feel it could have been two different or should be two different poems.
The first poem.,being.
Remember
Those days of innocence
Our heads filled with great imaginations
Of what we would become someday
Great dreams of fortune and fame
And perfect futures
Filled with undying love
How invincible we were
Remember
Those days when we first met
Both our hearts filled with insecurities
And yet still willing to take a risk
That this might be our chance
To knit our hearts together into one
And create something beautiful and new
How hopeful we were
Remember
Our first night together
When I stood before you
Naked and trembling with love
And fear and anticipation
Naively believing in a lifetime
Of these beautiful nights together
How much in love we were
Remember
Those days we spent
Under the late summer sun
Watching our children playing
Innocent laughter filling the air
As tiny feet pattered across the grass
Chasing fireflies
How peaceful we were
Second poem, being this.
Remember
Those days when we first met
Both our hearts filled with insecurities
And yet still willing to take a risk
That this might be our chance
To knit our hearts together into one
And create something beautiful and new
How hopeful we were
Remember
Our first night together
When I stood before you
Naked and trembling with love
And fear and anticipation
Naively believing in a lifetime
Of these beautiful nights together
How much in love we were
Remember
Those days we spent
Under the late summer sun
Watching our children playing
Innocent laughter filling the air
As tiny feet pattered across the grass
Chasing fireflies
How peaceful we were
Remember
Those early days
When whispers of war swirled about
How we pushed away the fear
Ignored the implications
As if they were pestering insects
That we could shoo away as we went on about our life
How deceived we were
If only they were just rumors
If only they were just annoying bugs
If only we could have shooed them away
Then maybe those carefree days of our youth
Could have lasted a bit longer
And you would be here with me now
Remembering
If only I could hold you just one more time
If only I could hear your voice and laughter once again
If only I had known I would have sheltered you
But your life was consumed by the blast
In a moment you were gone
Leaving behind only memories and dust
Swept away by death’s cruel breath
If only I could hold my children in my arms
If only I could calm their childish fears again with just a word and a kiss
If only I could dream with you again about the future they possessed
But the tender bud of womanhood was stripped
From our daughter before it had a chance to bloom
And our son’s dreams to change the world
Were barely forming in his idealistic head
Now the late summer sun is not a warm hand of comfort
It only reminds me of the scorching heat
That blistered and seared my skin
Eating away my flesh and making me beg
For the mercy of death
Now the only patter I hear is that
Of my old crippled dog
My only companion in my old age
A bitter substitute for the grandchildren
Who would have comforted me
Now innocence is just a fairytale
A respite for the addled mind
A dream only shared by the youngest
Who aren’t yet old enough to understand
The memory of what we all once had
My life today holds no joy
No hopes or dreams or passion
I wait patiently for the comfort of death
But yet I refuse to seek it for myself
I live for no other reason than for those who refuse to see
And to force those who would turn away
To bear witness to this wasted life and
Remember
I think you should consider leaving out
If only they were just annoying bugs
If only they were just rumors
If only they were just annoying bugs
If only we could have shooed them away
Using " bug' is too insignificant for the rest of the poem being so strong.
I loved this, my favourite
Great dreams of fortune and fame
And perfect futures
Filled with undying love
How invincible we were
Great work.
Thank you
Warmth Sherry
I don't know which war you're talking about, or if it matters. You've done a brilliant job of describing the seasons of a life truncated. It reminds me of something from Cormack McCarthy--that you try to do something to get back what's been taken from you, but all the while everything else is slipping away, and you just wind up putting a tourniquet on it and that's all you can do.