Though not my usual subject matter for a story, I delved in, and was never sorry that I had. The story action moves along at a decent clip, holding the reader's attention. Believability? I am not so certain there, but plausible. About the story itself, I was disappointed that Milo seemed so cavalier about Cole's death. I realize not everyone treats death in the same manner, but Cole died because he didn't rat out his compadre.

     Paragraph lengths can be daunting to the reader; your piece contains several very long paragraphs which could be easily and appropriately broken down to smaller, reader-friendly paragraphs. I did find a few spelling/grammar/punctuation errors that, when cleaned up, would go a long way to making this piece a great one. Examples: "I didn't have any brothers or sisters simply because mom and pop couldn't afford any." (Mom and Pop need to be capitalized)  " I was a college kid, and nothing really changed." (This sentence follows one about kindergarten without something like adding "Now" to the beginning of the sentence cited here.) "The only person I could trust, besides my parents, was my best friend Cole Barker." (Need to insert a comma after "friend.")

     If you re-work it, I would like to read the revision. Best of luck to you.

The first page of Crimefighting 101 seems like a great sypnosis. Especially when you said when Milo Hawkins did not become an upstanding crimefighter from many kung-fu movies. or a good comic-book That right there was a great point that you have made in this. In my opinion, you should have made that the sypnosis to this short story, but the story that you have writte so far is as good as it is. You can choose to do it in a preface or just leave the short story like it is.

Before you put me up there with every other wacko you've ever known, you've got to hear my side of the story. I wasn't just some delusional twenty-year-old punk who watched too many kung fu movies and read too many comic books...well, I was, but besides that I had a legitimate reason for going out there and risking my life dishing out my own brand of vigilante justice. I've been the butt of many a joke ever since my mom shuffled me into kindergarten. I was a college kid, and nothing really changed. I believe it when you think that being bullied for fifteen years isn't a legitimate excuse for doing something considered illegal, but it's not like I killed anyone. Not directly, anyway. Let me tell the whole story.

This right here was my favorite part to the story. Not only does it interest me but you add the most beneficial things to your character, Milo Hawkins. In my opinion you should keep writing in short stories that you may want to write in the near future. Maybe you ought to write the story as like this, when Milo Hawkins enters in his first day in crimefighting 101, when getting a manual. This part of the manual is the first and only beneficial one that guides him through fighting crime.

1. Don't Cower in the Line of Fire- When you are caught in a shootoff with the crook, don't cower, Cowering is the last thing you would want to do, should a stray bullet run through you leg.

Overall, I thought this was a good short story. In my opinion, you should make a historical fiction short story with a story of the intense World War One scenario in your short story. It should be called Trapped In The Line of Fire, about a boy wants to become a soldier in WWI so that he can serve in his country. Tell me what you think of my idea on this type of short story okay?

Hello Eric,

I've been looking forward to reading this story for a while and it did not disappoint.  You  kept the action scene thrilling, dynamic and clear, an under-appreciated skill.  The characters are interesting and the theme is laid out well.  As a comic fan,  I particularly enjoyed this piece.

Here are some specific thoughts:

My name's Milo Hawkins. This is the story of my first foray into vigilantism. Through great personal loss, I became a wary, upstanding crime-fighter.

Not a strong opening.  There is nothing here to grab the reader's attention.  It's a simple outlay of information on Milo's part.  Better to skip this and jump into the action.  What better way to critique super-hero comics than to ape their structure, but not their results.  Start in media res with a splash page and then relate the exposition through that.  I would suggest Milo on the top of the Russians building, contemplating what he has gotten himself into.

We lived in a real shabby part of town, called The Devil's Outhouse.

To me this comes across as too jokey, an obvious play on Daredevil's Hell's Kitchen setting.  The difference is an outhouse is far more often the butt (excuse the pun) of jokes and so it doesn't quite nail that realistic danger I think your going for.

I was clawing through the dirt at an unmarked grave, panic-stricken for no apparent reason, when a large, hulking monster of a man grabbed me by the neck and ran me into a wall. I would suddenly find myself in a dark room with a loose wood floor surrounded by seven men, with the big guy in the center. Six of the surrounding men pulled out forty-five caliber pistols, and the brute laughed maniacally. There would be a loud bang, a flash, and then I woke up with a loud gasp.

I think that this prophetic dream is too comic booky for your purposes.  You're trying to say that real life is not like a comic book but prophetic dreams only happen in fiction.  Perhaps if the dream less accurately predicted the future it would work better.  Or you could ditch it for some action taken by the Russian that moves Milo to act.  Perhaps invading the comic store, his one safe haven.

My plan wasn't terribly elaborate. I wasn't trying to pull an “Ocean's Eleven”-style heist. All I was setting out to do was protect my neighborhood from the likes of Rurik and his pals. What I had Cole do for me was get books from the library explaining certain practical techniques like knot-tying, boxing moves, complex chemistry, etc. What I did was enroll at the local gym across the street from the comic shop. For seven hours a day, four days a week for four months, I learned how to box, how to get out of grapples, and how to redirect an opponent's momentum against themselves. The next two months before me and Cole began school were the hardest. I took the books Cole got and locked myself away for five hours everyday until I committed most of the material to memory. Dinner time was one of the only times I would see any one of my parents, and I could tell both of them were puzzled by my odd behavior. The last thing Cole and I did was acquire a small place to ourselves, a base if you will. It was a small residence next to a Chinese buffet, about one-hundred fifty dollars a month rent for each of us. Perfect for low-profile information gathering. The most technological of my equipment was an ear-piece so Cole could send me information. Building schematics were at his fingertips, having access to the library's archives. Other than that, I had a satchel containing smoke and regurgitative pellets, rope with a three-pronged hook tied at one end, and a pocket knife. My “costume” consisted of black sweat pants, Chuck Taylor's, black hooded sweatshirt, and a black beanie.

This is where the story really starts moving and I love it.  Taking a practical approach to crime-fighting is a great idea.  As a comic fan I would love to hear Milo comment on where he is getting his inspiration for the various courses and equipment.  The specifics would lead to a more authentic voice, that is how Milo would talk.  However, you would need to be careful not to alienate your audience by getting too technical (i.e. reference Batman and Green Arrow, not Hawkman or G'Nort).

wasted no time preparing for my first night out. It was mainly going to be a reconnaissance outing, so that I could see how the Russians operated. That night when I suited up, I was hoping they weren't gun runners. I simply wasn't that equipped. It was around midnight when I came across some commotion coming from close to my work. It was a caviar factory. I should have expected as much for a Russian front. There was a fire escape leading to a catwalk on the side of the warehouse where I promptly climbed up. The catwalk went through an opening on the broadside of the roof, where I could attain an overhead view of the goings-on. What I gazed upon was a smörgåsbord of illegality and lawlessness. In one section were some kind of lab, probably used for creating drugs and the like. Crates were being loaded onto several trucks in the docking area of the warehouse. On the side of the truck was a smiling blue sturgeon, with the word CAVIAR stenciled beneath it. I caught a glimpse of an open crate before they closed it and loaded it on to a truck. Guns. I wanted to get a closer look at the other operations going on, but before I could, guards appeared on the other side of the catwalk, coming out from an office on the upper floor. I ducked behind a crate left on the catwalk. I immediately cursed my misfortune as I could hear footsteps coming closer on the metal grating. I tried taking a peak over the corner of the crate, and I saw the guards stop at the opposite side. I heard the flick of a lighter and Russian I didn't have a clue how to translate. I decided then that my recon was over. I slowly backed from the crate, keeping an eye on the guards. Inch by inch, I made my way to the outdoor opening, and as I turned, I heard someone yell in Russian. Behind me, the two guards had spot me and were pulling out their guns. I clutched a smoke pellet and slammed it onto the grating beneath me. The gel halves of the pellet burst, allowing the chemicals encased to mix, creating a dark, non-toxic mist. I jumped onto the roof of the comic shop just in time as the guards began shooting blindly out the opening. Using the grappling hook in my bag, I began climbing down to the street. Half-way down, a stray bullet grazed my shoulder and I fell the rest of the way. I couldn't catch myself, and I fell on my back. I heard the warehouse's alarm sound. I yelled into the ear-piece for Cole to open up the door. Groaning as I got up, I began to run. At first a limp, than a full sprint. I could see several guards when I looked behind me, and one more person I thought I recognized. A gigantic, muscular brute leading the guards right to me. I turned a corner, and slid through the dirt in front of the apartment. I climbed inside just as I heard Russian pass the home. I motioned to Cole to be silent. Seconds seemed like eternity, and silence fell. I breathed a sigh just as I heard several clicking sounds. I yelled for Cole to hit the ground as bullets punched through the thin wooden walls. Computer parts blew apart, glass shattered, wooden shards flew. I tried crawling towards Cole, but a large bookshelf and debris fell on top of me. I couldn't move.

Best part of the story.  You have a real knack for writing action.  As mentioned by a previous poster, you should cut this up into some smaller paragraphs to make it flow even better.

“Where is friend?” “Go to hell,” Cole replied.

Another point at which the story is too much like a comic book.  I can almost ignore it because Cole has been part of the training, but I kind of feel like he would easily rat his friend out since it was his friends idea in the first place.  Also, since he is not the comic fan, I wouldn't expect him to give this action hero comeback.

“No...boy...is mine,” he muttered.

Again and probably most importantly, this point ranges into comic book territory.  In my mind the Russian would just shoot him, not have this action movie style grudge match.  Since your theme is life is not like comic books, this scene works against that.  It might be better for Milo to take a quick shot with a gun, killing the Russian and then getting shot by the rest of the mob before the police come.  This would leave Milo a quadriplegic serving a life sentence for premeditated murder, a fitting end for a real-life vigilante.

The thing about comic books is that everything seems easier than it really is, and no one ever stays dead. You don't see Batman getting caught by the police. There has been more comic book character resurrections than there are characters themselves. Cole isn't coming back, and every day I wish I was Batman, or Superman, or Spider-Man. Maybe I could have saved him. As soon as I get out, I'm visiting Cole, maybe leave him his favorite book and CD. Maybe, just maybe, he'll forgive me someday.

I don't think you need to spell out the theme like this.  It is implicit, yet clear, in your writing.

Well, that's my two cents.  I hope that was helpful.  Ironically, I think you are such a great writer of action that you would excel at the very genre your story condemns.  As a comic fan, trust me when that I mean that as a compliment.  I would love to see an action/adventure story from you.

-Ben