Wow. This poem is very powerful because it is not generic--in the sense that is somewhat graphic and gripping if not disturbing. Yet, the best poems in my opinion need a touch of the "generic" in order to reach the most people. And this poem has that because most of us have seen someone in this situation. This generation of writers in general are not fond of writing tragedy literature. I'm very sorry that this tragedy occured to your friend. Speaking broadly, though, I would like to see more literary expressions of tragedy these days.

I like this! I am a fan of crossing the aesthetics of flesh with the brutality of technology, and you did that here! My hat is off to you.

Stay sleeping, pretty child, you don't want to feel your wounds. You're head is cracked. You broke your back. There was little they can do.

"Cracked" and "back" is a pretty generic rhyme. There are more things that could be said here; you could express the idea differently. "There was little they can do" has a tense switch. Make it either "There was little they could do" or "There is little they can do".

They've drained the fluid from your brain from when your skull cracked on the curb, but your body's just a tangle now of limbs, of veins, of muscle fibers, of steel and tubes and wires.

You've used to word "cracked" twice now in two stanzas. Synonyms! "From where your skull cracked on the curb" is too vague. Does it mean, "They drained the fluid from the place where your skull cracked on the curb," or, "They drained the fluid from your brain because you cracked your head on the curb"? Try to make that a little clearer. The word "now" in the line "Your body's just a tangle now" could be taken out to make the line less jarring. "...a tangle now of limbs, of veins, of muscle fibers, of steel and tubes and wires" is amazing. I love it. I particularly love how you set up the standard first: limbs=steel, tubes=veins, muscle fibers=wires. That was technical and well done.

So for now, young girl, stay resting in your unwelcomed sleep. In time, please wake again to try to ignore your pain, your scars, your chair, the reminders of this living nightmare.

"To try to ignore" is awkward wording. The entire idea is awkward, anyway, here. "Please wake again to ignore your pain" doesn't mean anything. Think hard about this line. If you can see the meaning of it, by all means keep it, it may be personal, but from someone standing outside, it is a filler line to get to the end of the poem.

Again, amazing work here, and nothing so terrible that it cannot be changed. Thank you for writing!

 

In time, please wake again

to try to ignore

your pain,

your scars,

your chair,

the reminders of this living nightmare.

Oh wow, what an emotional line. I love this poem so much. It's simplicity seems to enhance the emotions felt in it. I felt tears prick my eyes as I read this story. It's so heartfelt, so emotional, so...amazing. The way you describe the horror of the scene with out being overly graphic is truly wonderful. Sometimes I find it hard to get my thoughts across without overly describing things to where it is no longer appealing to read. You wrote a poem so powerful and simply descriptive that I just can't help but love it!

I really enjoyed this poem! Your opening line really grabs the readers attention.

Stay sleeping, pretty child,

It's easy to see a child as being beautiful, but when you ad wounds and badly tattered into the equation it makes for an interesting juxtaposition. Good writing technique draws the reader in.

I really like what you are saying in this poem, but the flow of it is a little off for me. I can't pick out any clear rhyme scheme, but the first stanza has a good flow. The second and third stanza just don't seem to follow through with that flow.

They've drained the fluid from your brain

since your skull cracked on the curb,

but your body's just a tangle now

of limbs, of veins, of muscle fibers,

of steel and tubes and wires.

 

The part the throws me off is the second line..cracked on the curb. You wouldn't have rhyme, but something about this is off. I guess it's almost going back to what happened when the rest of the stanza is about the body. We see the fibers and the wires and even know about the fluid in the brain, being cracked on the curb just seems out of place.

I really love your imagery in this poem. I can see this poor girl in the hospital and it breaks my heart. I know people who have been through similar accidents..and any accident with a child is horrible. You definitely captured the setting and the attitude. I would just say keep it going strong in the third stanza. Your imagery kinda of deflates in this section. Great work!! I cant wait to read more.