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Shoot!

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short story, fiction, action, humor
1st
Draft

Published on:

March 6, 2:36am

Word Count:

435

Work Description

A short work I just wrote mostly to get content up here. An expert Rock Paper Scissors player brakes in a rookie to the real sport.

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    Alan stretched his arms, and  glared as his opponent.   The rookie he was up against had a lopsided grin on his face.  Alan stared right into the cores of his eyes, cause the kid to widen his grin and look away. Alan took the entirety of him in, his build, he cloths, how he held him self,  it told Alan his life story and, more importantly, his every move.  The referee raised his hand, "Okay, I want a good game, no pumping, we play to shoot, are you both ready?"  The Rookie placed his right hand in a fist on his other open palm and nodded; Alan moved his left hand behind his back clinching it tightly, he placed his right foot forward , driving him towards his opponent, his fist hovering in mid air before him "Go" he grunted. The referee dropped his hand down quickly and raised it "Rock!", Alan watch for the slightest movement in his opponents hands, "Paper!",  Alan's hand matched up with the Ref's, "Scissors!" Alan's eyes moved up to meet his oppositions', "Shoot!".  Alan dropped his fist down, leaving it in it's hard shape.  His opponent dropped his eyes and pulled his hands away, his middle and index finger still sticking out.  Alan reset his footing as the referee announced the score, the next round would be a wild card, you can never tell what the second throw of a rookie would be, they didn't know enough.  As his fist flew in conjunction with the referee's hand, he began to plan out his next round.  It this one tied, he would throw one more rock, if he lost, he would throw a paper.  "Shoot!"  Alan looked down, the rookie's right hand spread out over it's palm, he let out a small grunt of satisfaction as he saw Alan's hand still locked in it's fist.  The referee held up one finger in each hand "1 all, final round"  Alan looked , the rookie was smiling now, and matching his gaze.  Their hands flew unwatched below them in time with the referee's shouts as they stared each other down.  "Shoot!"  They disconnected their eyes and looked at their hands, Alan's rested wide open in the air.  He mockingly cupped it over the rookies' clenched fist.  Alan dropped his hand and took a step back, "Good game" he extended his hand towards the Rookie.  The Rookie barely mumbled a "Good game" before walking off, in disbelief that what his coach claimed was true.  Alan followed the Rookie and patted him on his back. "Don't worry," He assured him "We're not gonna cut you quite yet"

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Discussion

      Knowing that you put this together quickly, I wasn't surprised to see the many errors in grammar, punctuation, etc. That being said, I enjoyed the story's premise and liked the mental interplay between Alan and the rookie. While experience isn't everything in life, in this story, it made for the difference in the final outcome and shows that the game of rock, scissors, paper isn't just a game for children. The strategy involved was a nice twist.

     Now, to some of the issues that need correcting within the piece itself:

    

Alan stretched his arms, and  glared as his opponent.  
No need for a comma in this sentence as "glared as his opponent" is a fragment, not a sentence. "As" should be replaced with "at."

    

Alan stared right into the cores of his eyes, cause the kid to widen his grin and look away.
"cause" should be replaced with "causing." The "cores" of his eyes might be better said with "center" or another word. Something for you to consider.

    

The Rookie placed his right hand in a fist on his other open palm and nodded; Alan moved his left hand behind his back clinching it tightly, he placed his right foot forward , driving him towards his opponent, his fist hovering in mid air before him "Go" he grunted.
This sentence should begin a new paragraph. The sentence itself is long and run-on. Suggest using a period where the semi colon is and allowing each of the two thoughts be their own sentences. Also, need a period between "him" and "Go."

     I enjoyed reading this piece and wish you the best of success.

I'm not one for correcting grammar and punctuation. But there was definitely some errors in this piece. Nothing you wouldn't notice if you read it over. I'm sure you don't need me to point them out. I usually just critique the content because, seriously, what the hell do I know about writing?

 I like this piece because it reminds me of the Dodgeball. I don't watch many movies and I don't own a television, but I did see this flick and I thought it was hilarious. Anyway, sorry, my point is that this reminds me of that movie in the sense that they are both about a lame game being turned into an intense sport. So not bad for something so thrown together. Creative. Not special enough to send in to your alumni magazine, but special enough that I will be reading more of your work. Good job, keep it up. I look forward to reading more.

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