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Island Conspiracy, Chapter 0: Part 1: Gifts and Conflicts

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novel, fantasy, young adult
7th
Draft

Published on:

April 8, 12:46am

Word Count:

5876

Last Edited:

May 18, 2:33am

Work Description

Three kids with "gifts" achieve a victory over a Dark Queen by making new friends and trusting the old ones. A story about friendship, loyalty, light romance, war between magical nations. A young-adult fantasy.

Chapter Description

Intro to Suviana and Ariza. Suviana gets several surprises. Raiders attack. Arrio comes and Ariza is reunited with Kell...

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Chapter: 0
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Print WorkPrint fairy dust in the water; it protects and heals. Streak it on your face, and you’ll be blessed with fairy magic. I even have a spirit,” she boasted.

 “Okay,” I replied, thoroughly uninterested in my sister’s “spirit”. “Enlighten me about this whole secret-room thing,” I said, finishing my fairy water treatment.

Ariza’s face darkened briefly and she avoided the subject. “Not at the moment. I’ll tell you everything once we’re on the road. For now, we just need to go quickly, if this is as urgent as you say.”

I sighed, but had to content myself with the fact of soon knowing. I untied the horses, handed Sunwhisper’s reins to Ariza, and swung myself onto Coraldance. Ariza pointed to a sliding door in the wall, which opened to permit them. We nudged our horses through the gateway, and Ariza closed the door behind us. Both horses snorted impatiently, anxious to get going. 

Ariza and I followed a rarely traveled woodland path, so as not to be seen by the camp, especially Ezrin. Wild thorn plants scratched their soles and tore at their ankles as they carefully guided Coral and Sunny along the rough trail. After about an hour, the path became more worn and smoother. Something whizzed past Ariza’s ear.

“Raiders!” I cried. “Go!” I spurred Coraldance into a fast run, hoping Ariza was close behind. I dodged arrows as I fled and protected my horse as best I could. I soon reached a break in the trees, where I slowed my pace to wait for Ariza. The attackers seemed to have given up their volley and retreated. It was several minutes before Ariza appeared. She was still mounted, but looked windblown and pale. An arrow shaft protruded from her left leg; blood dripped freely from the tear in her breeches. I rushed to my sister, but before I could speak, Ariza said quietly, “Four drops green liquid, two drops purple. Quickly.”

I obliged, digging in the large pack for the potion bottles. I dribbled four drops of the green and two drops of the purple onto the gash, and watched the result in amazement. A spicy-smelling smoke swirled up from the wound, clearing it of blood and sealing new skin over it. The arrow shaft was pushed out and it fell to the ground. Where a bleeding hack had been seconds before, a star-shaped scar glowed golden. Ariza retrieved the arrow from the grass and eyed it warily. She pulled out a crimson mixture in another glass phial and let a single droplet seep onto the arrowhead. “Black dragon blood,” she stated, sniffing the aroma that wafted lazily before her face. “Oh, and it look like there's a little bit of griffin breath, thank Rhenn for that. Hmm… And some Storm temper in here, too. Whoever mixed this poison was a real master; they had a talent for make someone suffer without dying immediately. Nicely done.”

I shook my head, still completely bewildered at this new side of my sister. This was certainly unexpected. Where did she learn all this? I thought. Why hasn’t she said anything before? Thoughts raced through my mind; I was bursting with questions. I couldn’t stand it anymore. “Tell me,” I almost shouted. “Tell me everything, now. About that room, about how you know all this, and mostly, about why you haven’t told me anything! I’m your sister, your best friend! There’s no secrets between us, remember?”

Ariza looked slightly guilty. “Okay, I’ll get straight to the point. I’ve been in contact with the fairy world for a while now, and there’s this one girl who’s been teaching me things. You were always busy with the war, and I needed someone to connect with. A friend who didn’t have such important responsibilities. Anyways, I was messing around one day with some spells from this little booklet I found, and a circle appeared in the air. It started spinning and making musical noises, and it got bigger and bigger. It was like a sort of window into somewhere else, but I didn’t know where. There was a person on the other side, a girl. She looked surprised, but she talked to me. She told me a little about herself, and told me what I had done. She said it was really advanced magic, that a portal was difficult for most. I said I had no idea what I was doing, and that I was no mage. I was curious,

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Discussion

 

It is good to see you attempting a long piece Fainne.

I can tell that you have a rich imagination and a well-spring of ideas that you have drawn upon to build this world and populate it with characters.

I have to be honest though, I am confused at to what’s going on.

The prologue holds up well enough. I can understand that somewhere, someone wants something from the woman named Kinana. He already has it though and presumably kills her.

That part I can follow. What come next raises the questions. It jumps to a scene in a village at night. There is a woman and she is outraged as to what’s happening, there is mention of a war, and of some children who are important and related ot the people talking.

Later on when we learn that Ariza has a “gift” I wonder, is this one of the children the others were talking about?

 

This opening chapter of a longer work does do a good job of raising a lot of questions. Who are these children, what gifts do they have, what significant do they hold. All these things are good. It gets the readers mind going. I feel though, that there isn’t enough information about the setting and the world situation. I can understand that the things they are talking about are important to them, but why are they important to me, the reader? Give us some more information about that and I think this chapter will be all the more enjoyable to read.

Keep up the good work!

This critique applies to the 2nd draft of this work.

 *** The visuals in this story are well written, I could see clearly what and where the characters were doing. I was confused however as to the time or era that the story takes place. You gave subtle hints as far as the characters themselves. I wanted to know more about them, their history for example, maybe even a brief description. I could surmise some of their character by your dialogue. This story has the potential to be a really great novel one that I would gladly add to my collection of books in my own personal library. Try reading the story to yourself, but slowly that way you can catch even mistakes I didn't. You are your own best critic... You are off to a wonderful start and I look forward to reading more...you have succeeded in adding another fan to your list! Write on...***

This critique applies to the 2nd draft of this work.

 Right--so first, I'd like to say...hooray! It's really good, Fainne. I was trying to read the first chapter and prologue last night, but didn't get too far before I had to go to sleep (long day). But hey-morning now, and I'm wide awake and loving this! However, I would like to say that of all that I've read (chapter 1 and the prologue), I liked the prologue better. I felt that you were better able to peak my interest in it. That being said, this chapter was pretty good, too. I was confused at the very begining, with all of them in the tent, but I guess that's what happens when you jump into reading something that's already moving at a fast pace. I liked the whole secret-chamber-under-the-tent thing. When you're describing their surroundings, though, I'd like to recommend to think 3-dimensional: floor, walls, ceilings. I saw lots of descriptive writing about the walls and the shelves--the antler hooks thing was a great example--but not much about the floor or the ceiling. Was it made of earth? If so, was the ground (or ceiling, even) damp? Cool? Could Suviana see the ends of plant roots in the ceilings? I think if you incorportate these sorts of descriptions--without over-doing it, of course--you'd have a really nice setting going on. I completely agree with what everyone else has said in their critiques of this, too, by the way. Another thing, too--when Ariza was saying words like "mir" and "kima",  I noticed that you didn't start new paragraphs or use speech tags or anything, like "Ariza said..." and so on. I found this a bit confusing, but after I passed "mir" and got to "kuma", it made more sense. I think, as a grammatical thing, you might want to change that up. Great, great job, though! If I'm not super tired again later today, I'll read chapter 2 and critique.

 

This critique applies to the 2nd draft of this work.
 I thought Chapter 2 was great, but now that I started at the beginning and seen the monologue of the story, I can tell it's going to be awesome once completed.  Keep up the good work and sorry this critique is short.
 
- EFSage
This critique applies to the 4th draft of this work.
Opening Comments

 hello fainne, i can see that you have a well-developed idea for this novel, but i have some suggestions.  I can also se that i am a fantasy writer like you, and would greatly appreciate if you could critique my works when they come out. 

Plot

 i once again must say that i like the overall idea. no potential problems that i can see, and am interested to read more! the plot so far is believable and real; the intricacy and detail is very obvious.

Pacing

 i like the pace and speed of the story, the action is quick to come. also, the time when the characters are not in conflict or are resting is still interesting. it doesnt bore the reader, but rather gives them more of an idea of exactly what is happening on the side. 

Description

 i love the descriptions!!!!    you do a great job of  balancing the information with detail and action, which is definitely a hard thing to achieve. well done on keeping back from infodumping but providing enough description so the reader has a clear idea of what everything looks like. great job!!!

Point Of View

 i like the third person angle, but i think that it might help a little to do a first person version. maybe you could switch the POV back and forth between the MC's? that might be an interesting deal.

Characters

 the characters were alive in my mind for the most part, but a little more elaboration on their feelings would not hurt.  i think it really helps to have Suviana in the dark about Ariza's little secret; it gives an impression of Ariza's independence.

Dialog

 the dialog never sounded forced, and it was always natural for the characters to say what they did. you have a gift for making characters speak m'dear!

Grammar and Spelling

 grammar and spelling were good, i could see no , mistakes except: when the character in the beginning are talking about this war, i think that a few of the "our side" s should be changed to 'we' and 'us'

read aloud to yourself and see if you can catch my meaning

Closing Comments

 keep up the great work!  i am very interested to see where this is going, and i especially enjoyed it because of my love for fantasy.

~Fyrenne

This critique applies to the 5th draft of this work.
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