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Lo Family Payoff

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pulp, science fiction, short story
2nd
Draft

Published on:

April 7, 8:01pm

Word Count:

2248

Last Edited:

April 7, 9:23pm

Work Description

Nguyen Lo has stolen his father's ship and put his entire crew in danger for a hypothetical BetaFlux node which may contain the entirely conjectural coordinates to Earth, which no one really wants to find.

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             "Don't let me stop you, Alex. Go ahead! Fuck this up for everyone! I really don't give a shit anymore. Not even one shit!" Hal screamed after me as I propelled myself down the corridor, hitching a ride on the conveyor handle towards the bridge. I passed Judith on the way, her eyes narrowing. Did she know, too? Maybe women's intuition, or perhaps something else entirely. She was a weird one. Not paying attention, the handle's path ended and slid back into the wall, leaving me floating. I let myself drift through the open hatch into the bridge, which was alive with activity. Maps and systems data, research and more were pulled up in public viewing, illustrating Nguyen's desperate search and his involvement, reckless, I thought, of the entire crew.

           "Captain, we've got a big problem. I uh... I picked up a signal from another ship. Ah, uh, they've got a grappler. They're coming for us," I stammered, not looking Nguyen in the face.

           "Fuck. What? A grappler? What's the ship? The name," Nguyen grabbed me by the collar of my green and red Lo Shipping uniform. "Now, Alex. Right now."

            "It's your father. The Sac Xiang Giang. I don't have a positive ID on the grappler, but it isn't one of ours. It's mercenary, more than likely."

           "How did this happen? We removed our tracking nodes, right?" Nguyen released me and I floated away, drops of his perspiration hitting my face. He looked panicked, not angry. Just scared, rather like a child looks scared. His own father…

          "The ones we knew about," I said, seeing his rage creeping back, "I mean, I mean, the ones we knew about! What if your father hid more? What if every piece of excavation equipment has a tracking node in it?"

           "We were taking those out, too," He growled.

           "Oh, uh, maybe... maybe it's hidden. What if it's you? What if it’s… inside of you?"

           "Bullshit. I checked. Woulda torn it out myself, bare hands, if I knew I had some kind of bug in me. I checked my teeth, behind my eyes, stomach, heart, brain, skull, every bone you could imagine. All of my implants. All of them. Even the nanos. How long do you think I've been planning this?" He clearly didn't mean it rhetorically. His eyes were wet, his face flushed. He awaited response. Nguyen Lo was, at this moment, a textbook case of bugnuts insane, had been ever since we left Om Station along the Mongol-Eston lane.

         "Years, right?" I said, forwarding my guess cautiously.

           "Did you just answer my question with another fucking question, Alex?" He moved back to his captains chair to bury himself in his maps and diagrams, plotting more courses, more possible locations for his treasure. His white fucking whale.

        "Your dad isn't gonna quit, Nguyen!"

         "Don't you call me that!" Nguyen whirled around, pushing himself off of his chair. "That is the name of the enemy, Alex. I’m Captain Lo in this damn ship, gather? Do you… gather, Alex? Because, after all, isn’t that what we’re out here to do? If you cannot gather, Alex, then what good are you? Have you ever been fired from a shipping corp in space?”

         “Yes, Captain. I… no, I understand. Sorry,” I mumbled, turning to leave. I decided that this was not an issue to press. I knew what could happen. At this point, Nguyen Lo was a desperate man, a fugitive from his own family. Lo Shipping Lines was a powerful company, or, rather, more powerful than the average. It no longer squabbled, it no longer fought tooth and nail for recognition in the Circle of Guilds. True, it was an outer fringe organization of the already outer fringe Shipping Guild, barely potent in decisions being considered by the Circle, but it still had two votes and some influence, and now that influence, those connections made by Nguyen Lo Senior, had been turned against my captain, and thus against me. Nguyen Lo and a mercenary ship, no doubt filled with crack ex-USC Marines. I had that to look forward to.
Floating past one of the exit hatches, I noticed that three men,

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Discussion

 Hello, Frank. Great work and plot for a science fiction short story! This was a great first work that you posted up on scribophile, but however, it needs some revision in parts of the short story and they must be changed immediately.

Maybe women's intuition, or something even more.

 

You should say Maybe it was women's intution, or even something more rather than leaving the words it and was out of the sentence, because readers will mistake this as a fragmented sentence, and a fragmented sentence in a story is not what you want to come by ever in your writing career or on your stay on scribophile.

 I don't have pos ID on the grappler

 

The word "pos" could possibly be spelled wrong. Are you sure you mean "post" and not pos?

but it isn't one of ours. Merc, more than likely."

 

Right before the word Merc, you have a period. That should be a comma because when you are talking to someone for example when you say "Do it. Ed." you should have a comma before the name. So the sentence should look something like but it isn't one of ours, Merc, more than likely."

I said, knowing full well that Mitch couldn’t do anything else even if he wanted to.

Are you sure that you were supposed to say good and well instead of full well? Here is all what I have for now. I believe that you will have this story to be a potentially great science fiction story if you follow all of my suggestions. Better yet, in order to find any other errors in this story, if there are any, copy and paste this story page by page onto Microsoft Word or Microsoft Processor, because both programs can spot out any potential errors, whether they are grammatical errors, spelling errors, or fragmented sentences. Please contact me on my scratchpad if you have questions on this critique or possibly even a thank you note. I look forward for this work in edited format!

 

This critique applies to the 1st draft of this work.

Dude,`this`story`is`king`man`the`setting`the`jargon`woahhhh.`

This critique applies to the 1st draft of this work.
Opening Comments

I think your basic idea is great, though rough.  I'm not sure I agree with <a href= "../../../authors/ariadne-president/">Ariadne President</a>'s suggestion about Word, but mainly because I've had problems with its changes not making sense to me before

Plot

Plot wise, I think you have a solid base, not only for this story, but for possible World Building. You might want to develop the backstory a little more. if you haven't already, maybe sketch out a timeline? Though it seems as though you have most of one already!

Pacing

Pacing could be smoother. It might help to smooth the transition to your flashback a little.

Description

I love your descriptions, again just a tad rough. You paint a nice picture.

Grammar and Spelling

Like Ariadne said, some punctuation and grammar, but no one is perfect.  When I'm doing roughs, I usually resist the urge to edit, even spell-check, so that I can focus on putting "pen to paper", so to speak, so i think a lot of the stuff you have on that score can be forgiven in a rough.

Closing Comments

Overall, I like it. You've got a solid start. Keep it up!

Opening Comments

I found this work to be interesting and engaging and the world you created fascinating. It left me wanting more, of course, but that's always the sign of something good.

Plot

The plot was believable and easy to follow, although it seemed to end a bit bluntly/shortly, but filled with action. I really enjoyed the explanation of how bullets work. There was so much thought put into the ship and the world that part of me really wants this to be more fully developed, since the hard parts seem to be in place.

Pacing

It is a little abrupt from 'people leaving' to 'traitor' and then trying to bargain with Alex. I'd like to know more of their past in some ways, although it's hard to do that without a big info dump. Perhaps a scene before the 'traitor' part where maybe Alex saves Lo's life in the 'war before.' That would make Alex killing him more poignant and perhaps show how much Lolost his way and perhaps how Alex was dehumanized in the process.

Description

I really enjoyed the descriptions of the ship and the world building here. I really think that's the strength of this story. Loved it.

Point Of View

There didn't appear to be any inconsistencies in the point of view.

Characters

I did like the characters, but I would've liked a little bit more from them, something bigger to hold on to. I think a short scene or two in a flash back might help round them out.

Dialog

It was, and I really enjoyed the authorial voice in this, too. It had attitude and was very engaging.

Grammar and Spelling

I didn't see anything serious.

Closing Comments

This is a great story and really interesting. I'm looking forward to reading more stories by you!

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