Lo Family Payoff
pulp, science fiction, short story
Published on:
Apr. 7, 2008, 8:01pmWord Count:
2248Last Edited:
Apr. 7, 2008, 9:23pmWork Description
Nguyen Lo has stolen his father's ship and put his entire crew in danger for a hypothetical BetaFlux node which may contain the entirely conjectural coordinates to Earth, which no one really wants to find.
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Jones, Cassidy and Mitch, were suiting up for EVA. Curious, I
wondered at the sight, the Fortunate Son was going too fast for an
effective EVA repair job, thought what they would repair I couldn’t
imagine. I walked in and grabbed Mitch’s attention. The youth,
couldn’t be more than twenty seven, spun around and beamed.“This is something else, huh?” He hooted.
“What is? The Sac Xiang Giang jut popping up with a grappler? I guess it’s pretty crazy," I answered.
“No, man, Captain Lo just ordered a full mechanical mobilization! So, obviously, we’re the best guys for the job.” Of course. The mechs were in a separated bay above the main corridor, added on as an afterthought to the design. And then it dawned on me that these men were going to die. The grappler and the Sac Xiang Giang were well armed, and most definitely had suits of their own. Nguyen didn’t even care anymore!
“Mitch, this is just asking to get fucked up, you have to understand that! This is nuts!” I said, knowing full well that Mitch couldn’t do anything else even if he wanted to. Nguyen wanted it done, and so it would be. Most of the Fortunate Son’s crew members were fiercely loyal to Nguyen Lo, even above their company. These were dead men. They finished suiting up and Mitch asked me to seal his helmet and gloves. He threw on some armor plating and flicked on his headlamps, as did the other two, and they ascended the ladder, a diagonal through the hull of the ship, into the decompression chamber. I heard the hatch click shut and continued down the corridor. Floating was always a favorite of mine, even though it was disorienting. Larger ships usually had gravity rotation systems , but a ship like the Fortunate Son, small and utilitarian, didn’t have to have, and often couldn’t afford, one of these complicated devices. Nguyen Lo Junior had overseen the Fortunate Son being built, had designed it from his head, just for this last hunt. We were going to find an ancient BetaFlux Node, one of millions that made up the FluxNet power and communications relay system which failed in 2188, causing the Dark Age. And in that node was the map to Earth. The actual map. Six years ago, Nguyen Lo, when he was my friend, not my captain, had explained it to me during our active wartime service aboard the Sac Xiang Giang:
“It’s like this: when the Network crashed, so did all of the relevant data on the computer systems connected to it. So for almost two hundred years, we lived in the dark. We didn’t have good doctors, governments, laws, really. Ships were treasured artifacts since no one could build ‘em. Well, a few could, but they were untouchable. Lived out in the belt. Anyway, when the Colonial Unions formed and began uniting all of the colonies under their banners, they found backup systems on Albion. Albion, see, never stopped being advanced. So, by extension, neither did New Orange or Zhong . That isn’t important, either. What IS important, very vital, is that on these backups, the location of Earth was gone. Totally wiped. In fact, most information on Earth that wasn’t correlated to vital systems data was gone. So someone wiped out our knowledge of the homeworld. Isn’t that weird? Isn’t that just… so weird?” Nguyen rattled off as I monitored the feed, numbers and codes and shipnames dancing to and fro. Big op, big battle. It was hectic, I was sweating, the ship was dark. And Nguyen, well, he was thinking and talking.
“That is weird but-“
“The data’s in the BetaFlux nodes. Or one of them. I think I know one that has a map or a locator or some sort of vectoring system to find the key nodes that contain backup data. Now, now it might not be there, see, the data. Maybe they all got wiped, too. But… I don’t know, I think we can find it. Earth. It might take a long time, but… the payoff, Al. The fucking payoff!” Nguyen flung his arms in the air excitedly, his eyes dancing in the glow from the screen. I didn’t get it, or course. I never got it. But now, after the first Wars, just after
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Discussion
Dude,`this`story`is`king`man`the`setting`the`jargon`woahhhh.`
I think your basic idea is great, though rough. I'm not
sure I agree with <a href=
"../../../authors/ariadne-president/">Ariadne President</a>'s
suggestion about Word, but mainly because I've had problems with
its changes not making sense to me before ![]()
Plot wise, I think you have a solid base, not only for this story, but for possible World Building. You might want to develop the backstory a little more. if you haven't already, maybe sketch out a timeline? Though it seems as though you have most of one already!
Pacing could be smoother. It might help to smooth the transition to your flashback a little.
I love your descriptions, again just a tad rough. You paint a nice picture.
Like Ariadne said, some punctuation and grammar, but no one is perfect. When I'm doing roughs, I usually resist the urge to edit, even spell-check, so that I can focus on putting "pen to paper", so to speak, so i think a lot of the stuff you have on that score can be forgiven in a rough.
Overall, I like it. You've got a solid start. Keep it up!
I found this work to be interesting and engaging and the world you created fascinating. It left me wanting more, of course, but that's always the sign of something good.
The plot was believable and easy to follow, although it seemed to end a bit bluntly/shortly, but filled with action. I really enjoyed the explanation of how bullets work. There was so much thought put into the ship and the world that part of me really wants this to be more fully developed, since the hard parts seem to be in place.
It is a little abrupt from 'people leaving' to 'traitor' and then trying to bargain with Alex. I'd like to know more of their past in some ways, although it's hard to do that without a big info dump. Perhaps a scene before the 'traitor' part where maybe Alex saves Lo's life in the 'war before.' That would make Alex killing him more poignant and perhaps show how much Lolost his way and perhaps how Alex was dehumanized in the process.
I really enjoyed the descriptions of the ship and the world building here. I really think that's the strength of this story. Loved it.
There didn't appear to be any inconsistencies in the point of view.
I did like the characters, but I would've liked a little bit more from them, something bigger to hold on to. I think a short scene or two in a flash back might help round them out.
It was, and I really enjoyed the authorial voice in this, too. It had attitude and was very engaging.
I didn't see anything serious.
This is a great story and really interesting. I'm looking forward to reading more stories by you!



Hello, Frank. Great work and plot for a science fiction short story! This was a great first work that you posted up on scribophile, but however, it needs some revision in parts of the short story and they must be changed immediately.
You should say Maybe it was women's intution, or even something more rather than leaving the words it and was out of the sentence, because readers will mistake this as a fragmented sentence, and a fragmented sentence in a story is not what you want to come by ever in your writing career or on your stay on scribophile.
The word "pos" could possibly be spelled wrong. Are you sure you mean "post" and not pos?
Right before the word Merc, you have a period. That should be a comma because when you are talking to someone for example when you say "Do it. Ed." you should have a comma before the name. So the sentence should look something like but it isn't one of ours, Merc, more than likely."
Are you sure that you were supposed to say good and well instead of full well? Here is all what I have for now. I believe that you will have this story to be a potentially great science fiction story if you follow all of my suggestions. Better yet, in order to find any other errors in this story, if there are any, copy and paste this story page by page onto Microsoft Word or Microsoft Processor, because both programs can spot out any potential errors, whether they are grammatical errors, spelling errors, or fragmented sentences. Please contact me on my scratchpad if you have questions on this critique or possibly even a thank you note. I look forward for this work in edited format!