i would first like to say that so far, i enjoy your story. at this point in my reading, i dont quite understand what the story is really about or what is going to happen next. from what ive read so far, i did find some spelling and grammar mistakes that i would like to point out, as well as a couple of suggestions to make this an easier read.

first,

‘’What is she I thought the scientist were band from processing female humans."

this should be split into two seperate phrases. also, there are some spelling mistakes. it should read something like:

"What is she?" I thought, "the scientists were banned from processing female humans."

a little further along in the same paragraph, i find the sentence structure difficult to read. once again, i suggest making a single long phrase into several smaller phrases.

Where the hell am I, it looks nothing like Earth but still since I am in foreign land, I should keep a low profile. Until the W.G.D., pick me up.’’

i think it would read more smoothly if it read like this:

"Where the hell am I? It looks nothing like earth, but still, i am in a foreign land; i should keep a low profile until the W.G.D. pick me up."

i think it reads more smoothly. also, it would be better if you further explained the W.G.D.; what it stands for and what it is. i havent read too far in, but i think it should be explained the first time it is used in the story.

 

No, she isn’t synthetic, could she be real?

just another suggestion. i think this should be:

"No, she isn't synthetic. Could she be real?"

or

"No, she isn't synthetic; could she be real?"

either way, i think it flows better.

 

No I can’t be having feelings for whatever she is.

i think this should be:

"No, i shouldnt have feelings for this thing, whatever it is."

right here, i am not sure what is going on. i suppose the mutated soldier falls in love with the human on first glance. like i said, i havent read that far into it, but if that is the case, the story has promise.

this is all i have for now, but when i read further, i will critique further.

 This is a very original story, but there are a few suggestions I have for your work. To start off with, I would suggest slowing things down a bit. I understand the temptation to dive right into the action, but sometimes its best to provide, what some of us may call the ‘boring things’ and by boring I mean those things that give us a little background about the setting of the story. You thrust us right into the action as we hear about a wounded soldier screaming for help. I was somewhat disoriented by what exactly was going on. I believe if you provide readers with a description of the setting, the time, place, even a few nice descriptions of where our friend Daniel is, then maybe readers may be a little less confused.

I was able to determine that our narrator has obviously traveled back in time to try and change the way things our existing in his present time. Very good idea, but I feel as though you should have introduced this part before we Daniel’s encounter with Kayla. If you explain to us where Daniel came from, provide a little information about what exactly his task/mission is all about, before the action, then maybe things will start to make more sense.

“Daniel are you ok, you dozed off on me, I’m going to take you to the hospital.”

 

“No, I’m sorry Kayla I have to leave” he stands up.

‘’Give me all your money’’ someone said.

This part was quite confusing for me. I know that Daniel is apparently injured and that Kayla is helping him, but the introduction of the mugger seems a bit too sudden. If you provide a little more dialogue between Daniel and Kayla, I believe that you will be able to build a little more suspense with this work.

I like how you try and describe certain things in this work. But I think you can revamp some things somewhat. Take, for example, the following paragraph

He was 6’’, white haired, albino, fat, fake leather coat, with a 9mm pointed at them. Daniel did not know what a gun was and in the year, 9808 obese people were obsolete so he approached him.

At the very beginning of this sentence you should spell out the word six and instead of using the “ symbol, use the word foot instead. One thing to note with mentioning numbers, in narrator of course, is that all numbers below ten have to be spelled out. It makes things seem a little more consistent. I’m not so sure about using the word albino. Are you referring to someone who is Caucasian or someone who is actually albino? Also, what exactly did you mean by the word obsolete? I think you could have chosen a better word, since obsolete refers to how useful of non-useful something or someone is. Instead, you could probably say:

Daniel did not know what a gun was and in the year 9808, encountering an obese person was a thing of the past.

Using this kind of language may help smooth things out a bit.

With regards to Daniel, I am left wondering if he was dead, alive, or playing dead. After the incident with the crook, you go right to a character by the name of King Varius, who had Daniel killed to take over Earth. He chooses what seems to be a small group of powerful warriors and then they go back in time. Now the confusion particularly stems from why you suddenly abandon Daniel’s character and go right to Kayla. I believe if you bring in a character you should spend a little more time on him or her. Just a suggestion you can use if you deem it necessary.

I found your descriptions the angels, notably Gabriel, quite interesting. It adds a rather mystical element to you story and keeps things original. And strangely enough, this is the third story I’ve read here at scribophile, featuring angels as central characters. I’m quite interested to see where this story will go.

Generally, speaking you seem to have decent sense of action. However, the character’s seem a little underdeveloped. If you could provide us with some emotional insight into some of these characters, then maybe the readers may be able to understand them easier. I like the action, the violence (LOL) and the mixture of fantasy, but without a chance to know these characters outside of the action is a bit distracting.

You have a good idea here and it's obvious that you're very enthusiastic about writing this and that's a good thing. I think you need to slow down a little bit though and put a bit more background in and possibly more character development. One problem with it is that you immediately thrust the reader into the action at the very beginning of the story and personally, I was confused as to what was going on. After Daniel lands and starts screaming for help, you could maybe have him recollect what happened up to the point that he got thrown off the spaceship and hypothosize as to why it happened. That would help clear things up a bit and you could still have an explosive beginning.

Also, when Daniel is wounded why is he thinking about having feelings for Kayla, a woman he's never met and hasn't even talked to yet? It just seemed kind of random and being as he died soon after and that subplot didn't really go anywhere, I'm wondering if it was necessary?

‘’What is she I thought the scientist were band from processing female humans. No, she isn’t synthetic, could she be real? No I can’t be having feelings for whatever she is. I already have a good stable robot at my house. Plus Q-45 has the fastest productivity. However, does any of that even matter anymore? Where the hell am I, it looks nothing like Earth but still since I am in foreign land, I should keep a low profile. Until the W.G.D., pick me up.’’

 

That thought process is all over place--I like how you incorporated parts of the world Daniel comes from (his robot, how scientists aren't allowed to process females anymore) and how it differs from this one. But I think you could eliminate the sentence about him having feelings for her because it just seems out of place and it's kind of distracting and it took me out of the story because I was wondering why he would care about her, especially so early on. Also, "band" should be "banned" in that sentence and "Where the hell am I, it looks nothing like Earth but still since I am in foreign land, I should keep a low profile" should probably be split into all different sentences: "Where the hell am I? It looks nothing like Earth, but since I'm in a foreign land I should keep a low profile." Or something like that-and it might be a good idea to explain who the W.G.D. is as well (unless it's explained later in the story and I just don't remember, in that case just disregard).

 ‘’Ok, I hope we finally achieve peace after I leave’’ he took a deep breath in then he jumped into the time pool and swam 7800 inches deep, each inch stands for a year. He had 10 minutes before the chemical reactions took place that was how the time pool worked with a 2-minute blank out of your previous actions.

“Daniel are you ok, you dozed off on me, I’m going to take you to the hospital.”

 “No, I’m sorry Kayla I have to leave” he stands up.

‘’Give me all your money’’ someone said.

 

I like the time pool idea, that's really interesting. But I thought he was thrown out of a space ship? Or did he jump from the space ship into the time pool? And why does Daniel not want to go to the hospital after he was just screaming for help? The mugger seems abrupt, just appearing like that. You should build up some suspense before that. Maybe they could hear the click of the mugger cocking his gun behind them and when they turn around he says "Give me all your money." The way it reads now just seems so out of left field. The shift from Daniel to Kayla seems abrupt too (sorry I keep using that word, it's been a long day and I can't think of anything else)...we hardly know Daniel (who the story is named after) before he's taken out and then Kayla is on some quest for redemption? I actually had a hard time following what was going on after Daniel got shot. What is Philip's significance/who is he (Kayla's partner in what?)? Why is Neptune conquering Earth a good thing (when God tells Kayla that they mean well)?

You switch from past to present tense a lot when narrarating. But that's something I think can be eliminated if you read it over again or even out loud to yourself. The descriptions of the angels, especially Kayla's angel form, were very unique. I like the way you made the images your own, incorporating multiple elements such as fire and ice.

Hair golden white. Eyes filled with dark gaped fire. Arms were skeletons. Hair longer than her back but clear kind of whitish. 7 foot tall with legs made of burning hot ice. However, in some way still seductively beautiful.

I think 7 should be spelled out in this description. You also describe her hair twice--it would flow better if you incorporated the two sentences about her hair together (or at least put them one after the other) something like: "Her hair was longer than her back and a clear white color." Other than those few things, the description put a strong image in my head. You mention Las Vegas being in California? And if you're trying to create a fictional California town it's probably better to just make a name up rather than use a city from another state just because it could cause confusion/distraction or seem inaccurate. I was wondering if the story took place in Nevada or a fictional town called Las Vegas in California while reading it. Also, I think Daniel's body would go to a morgue before a funeral home. You could still write the same invasion scene, but just change the location.

The attack on the funeral home was really good-there was a lot of creativity involved. I liked the whole concept of Shin-Ji causing the acid rain with his blood-that was unique to me. The scene where Hiroshaki killed the dad in front of his family and they were laughing because of the gas wasa powerful one, and I honestly was kind of amused by it because I can't stand when people in hostage situations like that try to be all heroic lol.

There was only one person left she was in the corner when he saw her he stopped all his anger, all his feeling just feeling disappear, that lady looked exactly like his lost sister he had been looking for, for years. He got down wiped her tears with his finger, punched her in the face, and cracked her skull open. He hated his sister with all his gut.

This part made me laugh--not because I like the images of women getting their skulls cracked open but because it was so shocking. I thought he was going to show her some mercy because she reminded him of his sister. That was a really well written part. The image of his wiping the tears and then just abruptly (there goes that word again) punching her skull open was so unexpected-but in a good way. Clever. I think the first sentence should read something like: "There was only one person left. She was in the corner and when he saw her, all of his anger stopped. All of his feelings just disappeared." It sounds kind of jumbled right now, but aside from that it's pretty solid.

‘’Relax man, is this about Donna’’.

‘’I guess it probably is thanks Tom’’.

I didn't understand that exchange? And I was confused by the ending. So Kayla failed her mission? What was the weapon God gave her exactly? How did Neptune take over if the king didn't have Daniel's body? Or did Bob and Pablo end up stealing the soul? I was just left lost-there might need to be a bit more description on that part. Overall, I like the idea of a dead man's soul holding the power to change the future. It's really creative, I don't think I've read anything like that before. I just think you need to fix some grammar and spelling mistakes (stuff that you'll probably spot easily if you read over it again) and add some background detail and character development. I was definitely entertained reading it and your enthusiasm for the piece was apparent. Sorry if my critique was all over the place, I just joined this site so I'm still getting used to everything. I hope it helped somewhat though!

Your story seems quite interesting but a few I have a few questions/suggestions. You’re going to need to put a little background in here. I mean what year is it and what’s going on. I haven’t quite figured out ‘who’ the main character is.

I don’t know ‘where’ this is taking place you seem to be talking about a loud of different planets that seem to be at war with one another? Correct me if I am wrong.

I don’t know ‘what’ is going on the main character seems to be injured then dies then I get the hint that he’s being brought back somehow. I don’t know if he’s human, or some sort of magician robot thing.

I am also confused in ‘when’ this story takes place at one time it said it was 9808 Neptune and then it said it was 2008 on Earth. Is their a time skip or is it just a different code of numbers meaning the same year?

Also I want to know, ‘why’ he got shot and why the girl said she couldn’t have young without him. Is he the last male or something?

And ‘how’ did this whole thing start how did the character get into this sort of predicament? It seems like a very interesting piece of work but you need to work out a few kinks and add a little more detail to the background. I found a few spelling and grammar mistakes but someone has already pointed that out. It is a very original story but it seems a bit rushed leaving no time for detail or background information that would be greatly appreciated. Anyway that’s about all I have to say this is my first time trying to write a 'critique' so I only said what came to mind.