Wow! So this is the first poem that you have wrote? This poetry in this work happens to be very interesting indeed. It looks like at the beginning of your poem seems all dark, forboding, evil, and gloomy. But when you write the second set of lines of this fantastic work, it seems all sunny, happy, full of optimism, and makes you feel like you have warm fuzzies in your stomach because the second set of lines that you had written had gotten upbeat for a second there. You said this poem was old but I think that in my opinion, that this is pretty new to me. I loved this very much! Keep writing for me and maybe you'll improve from what other ideas you can get, poetry wise from writing! Good luck on other future poems!

Wow, as a first poem, you're off to an excellent start! I definetly see potenital in you, my friend.

I've had moments like this in my life before, where you have no where else to turn, and often have to look in places you would have never even imagine for help. Good job, man.

 Well, it is supposed to be a critique so...

It is not much of a poem, really. At least, in certain senses. It has the language and the imagery and all, but there is no meter to it, no rhyme, no pattern. While reading it I got disjointed a lot and jarred from the experience of reading the work. The image is good, the message is good, it just... is not exactly poetry. I have written poems like this before with no rhyme or reason to it, but I understand it and would like to change it. I do not know if you are happy with it how it is, or would like to rework it. If you want to rework it, I would almost say just start from scratch using this piece as a reference guide and try to keep that same imagery and feel but work it into a pattern and a rhyme scheme. If you like it the way it is, well by all means do nothing. Tis just my opinion after all and I cannot imagine it matters much. You could have good reasons to keep your poem the way it is. I have one poem that ends abruptly about a few lines, but it has a good reason to do so, even though many people have expressed their dislike of it. Personally I love it and would never change it.

 Happy Monday,

I, too, am new to the world of poetry.  I have not yet taken any poetry classes, although I have written many songs.  They sit there, copywritten, on a shelf.  I gave up music because of a man and to raise my kids.  No more band.  But, the rhymes sometimes come stampeding through my head, so I guess you would call me a poet of sorts. 

Your piece is a total challenge.  Please don't put too  much stalk in what I say, as I am going to try to do this line for line, and I am no expert.  Still, I do recognize talent when I see it.

So, my favorite thing about this work is the it delves into the truth that we are not shaped so much by the light, or the easy times.  Our honor comes from the hard or dark times, because as we overcome the darkness, we gain character.  I think that this is what your words convey to my heart, and I can absolutely agree with that sentiment.

I understand that you mean this to be disjointed.  I don't have any problem with that if it is the style you choose to convey your thought.  I do, however see some natural splits, that might emphasize your points so they don't just run together and get watered down. 

Sometimes one must give up their favorite, in exchange for gleaning the best.  By that I mean that I have written some really profound phrases that I had to dump becuase they did not fit the story I was trying to tell.  When I say dump, I mean to stick it on a clip board until the most expedient and natural opening occurs.  It might be two lines down from whence you took it that its perfect resting spot may be, or it may belong in a totally different work.  The question is: Do you want to share your total message with somebody in a way that they can benefit from its power?  Or, do you write just for you?  It is sometimes a matter of compromising, or the ends justifies the means.  It does not make you a traitor to your profound phrases to table them for later, or to simply arrange a structure until it flows into your reader's mind and touches his soul.

I think that your message here is quite profound and needs to be told.  So often we frail humans dread the fire, but that is sometimes where we are forged in our character, that is where we are tempered.  In your piece, you reflect that wisdom.  Only when we face the darkness and our own demons can our characters reach their full potential.  So, if this is your sentiment, I think that you should definitely try to relate it to others.

Question: "For though it seems, these are not seen, the day "reveals? or rlieves?" the soul."  It would follow from context that you mean reveals, as it is made clearer? 

I like that your poem follows no solid pattern, so I think that some lines would hold more power if they stood alone as a separate thought. If nothing else, you can take a few lines out of the mix so you don't just have a tangled web of great phrases.  Consider: