This isn't bad for a start but i tink it needs some work. It isn't quite to where it could be. You keep putting "yr" and i believe this should be fixed. It doesnt flow that well

      You have the makings of a very strong piece here, and you have the bones of its structure--now you just need to be able to flesh it out for the reader.

     It is my opinion that when a writer uses a device to make their work unique, it should add to, not detract from, the work itself. The use of "yr" is just such a device here, IMHO.

     Another thing which hit me almost immedately as I began reading was your frequent change in verb tense. Sometimes you are referring to now, sometimes to then, sometimes to the future; there is no rhyme or reason that I can discern for these changes and they greatly detract from the flow of your writing.

On a scene where the plywood bends and the actors collapse.

She can hesitate over ground swelling large and proud sticking out from the backs of classrooms and spilling yr thoughts back at you before you can even think them.

And I can call you once and I can call you twice and hear on the other end the beeps and hisses coming from computers, fax machines, yr mother’s respirator.

     Thanks for putting this available to be read. Would like to see it again if you re-work it.

I absolutely loved this poem.  It seems like it's a stream of consciousness, which I usually tend to enjoy.  There is good use of poetic elements in here as well, especially assonance in my two favorite sentences:

Throw me away in the night while you drink and I will drink and I will drink.  I want to look at you with the veins in the white behind my glasses cut there by a scalpel and straining to release the colored and muddy thoughts I assemble between great and weighty drags on cigarettes and marijuana pipes.

The imagery you evoke is strong, and the repetition seems to add a nice flow to the poem.

I look forward to reading more of your work.

 The formatting for your piece here is frustrating and infuriating - it really is a drag on the eyes. The piece, however, is quite interesting and a joy to read!

      I noticed some fluff and I wasn't sure if it actually meant anything though. For instance, 'On a scene where the ploywood bends and the actors collapse.' What does that even mean? It's not a complete sentence either.

'She can hesitate over ground swelling large and proud ...' sounds like clunky fluff to me with little meaning. Your is your, not yr. You wrote '..and I will drink' twice but that's understandable, words get tangled up in everyone's head sometimes.

'...muddy thoughts I assemble between great and weighty drags on cigarettes and marijuana pipes' is a good sentence ; maybe change the word muddy though, it weighs the sentence down and really hinders it's impact.

'...and cheaper beer' seems excessive, as well as 'lacking time to care'. Don't start a sentence with 'And'. I dont know why you count off the calls you give her - again, it affects the impact of your feelings for the girl. Who still uses fax machines, man?

When you use 'mechanical' to describe your hands, it seems awkward to call it an 'improper' nature. Mechanical, by nature, is very meticulous and proper.

 It's a good shot, keep trying!