Wow! I realy liked your memoir. It was very relatable to me. My parents got divorced before I could remember them being married, but I do remember spending two summers with my dad. He would go to work and come back around four or five, then he would sleep and use the television as a baby sitter for me and my older sister.

I see him rarely now. Just when we go to religious seminars. When I do see him, he gives me money. I guess he thinks that makes up for never calling or being there. The last time I saw him was when I was eleven. I'm almost fifteen now.

I read your profile, and if you were to write a series of memoirs about your parents' relationship, I would definatly read them.

Keep up the goodwork,

Alexis

“They both co-existed within the same container, but just like oil and water they were never quite together.”

- just like oil and water they never really mixed.  The wording works better for the extended metaphor you are going for.  The old saying is that oil and water don’t mix…  “quite together” just doesn’t seal the deal.

New paragraph after the oil and water bit.

“a clear visual of where she was and where he was,”

I don’t know if it works exactly into the image you are trying to paint.  But I think it is more powerful if you don’t  have the repetition of  “she was” and “he was.”  Maybe try “where she was and he wasn’t” adds an off beat poetic sadness that I think might contribute to your story.

Comma after “why” in the sentence “I guess that’s why when they finally divorced it felt so completely naturally. “

Period after containers in the sentence “They were each put into their own little containers…”  It can stand by itself and so can the sentence following it.

Put an “and” between the comma after the word “in” in the sentence: “I would grow up in, my dad into a series.”

In the second paragraph I’d change  “was first happening” to “first happened” it flows better and fit’s the tense better.  You are giving background information using past tense is totally appropriate.

Remove the “first” in “I was first learning” you don’t need it.  You were learning.  We know the divorce is a new development so the fact that you are learning it for the first time is understood.

Change the word “can” in the 1st sentence of the second paragraph to “could.”

Second sentence second paragraph remove the “but” you don’t need it.

I’d reconsider “everything fell into order” you have the great oil and water metaphore, this may be a good chance to reinsert it  in a way.   Ex.  “all the parts seemed to fit.”

Comma after the word “divorce” in the second sentence of the third paragraph.

4th sentence of the third paragraph instead of “they’d even shut…”  make it more succinct “they shut…”  don’t use 5 words when two will do.  There is plenty of time for description.  It’s easy to get sucked into writing a story the way you would tell it to a friend.  But remember how often we get side tracked when we tell our friends stories.  Here you need to communicate the idea quickly.  Especially since you are still giving background info.  Your topic has promise let that carry you, you obviously have experience with this so let the experience live and don’t worry about how it comes out.  Paint the picture and touch it up later so to speak.

In the last sentence of the third paragraph I would ask you to keep in mind the age of the kids.  Coming from a divorced family at a young age myself I can say for a fact I never heard “Quick, before they spread this idea to the other parents.”   You are in 5th grade, what 5th grader says that?  And if it is an adult you are hearing, then what adult would be caught dead saying something like that in a school within ear shot of the divorced kids?  You know what I mean.  Think of what kids would really say if you are going to drop a quotation.  <I may be totally off, maybe kids said that outside the door when you were in kindergarten>

I do like the imagery that ends the third paragraph, because being divorced did feel somewhat like a scarlet letter at times.

Second sentence 4th paragraph, “they made her look…” too many words again.  “She looked…”  boom, done.  The image is great, especially since you are in a school, the whole red apple thing works.  I really like it, I’m just saying hit them with it don’t lead them into it. (the audience that is)

I love the ugly teacher who is sweet as pie.  It is almost reinforcing an idea that you have been hinting at.  You can’t judge divorce by it’s cover.  It seems like it is all well interlaced.

5th paragraph 1st sentence…  instead of saying “these meetings”  be specific, ex.   “during the meetings with Mrs. Drake…”  

Remove the And beginning the second sentence in the 5th paragraph.  And  add “forced to” after “I was,”

Love the free ice cream part…  so true.

The last sentence about imaging a kid who doesn’t have divorced parents has potential.  I know what you are trying to say, but someone who doesn’t have divorced parents would be lost.  I’d either reword it to make your thought more clear or cut the line all together.

Comma after “unusually” in the first sentence 6th paragraph.

Remove “the whole thing” in the last sentence of the 6th paragraph it’s too much.  “the only thing I knew or cared about was that it saved me 50 cents…”  that’s all you need to get your point across.

7th paragraph, put the “giving the impression…” part in parenthesis, because it’s an after thought that you are more thinking than conveying directly.

1st sentence 8th paragraph “me and my sisters” should be “my sisters and I”

Then make a new sentence for switching every weekend.  Again, I know what you mean, but people who didn’t grow up with divorced parents who have custody arrangements won’t get that.  You need to explain that.  Ex.  “My mom and Dad alternated that arrangement every other week” - something like that.

I like the sentence about enjoying your time by yourself when with your Dad it adds a really good dimension to the whole divorce thing.  It shows that even in a shitty situation there is something positive you can find.

“He felt like an intruder in his own home,” technically you don’t know how he felt.  So it might help to introduce that sentence with “I’m sure” like “I’m sure he felt…”

Second to last paragraph, instead of talking about the wonders of not having a real parent around as a “kid’s dream” try “a dream come true.”  and end the sentence there and start a new one with “Being able to stay up far into the night was a definite perk” - something like that.

I’d either cut the last sentence in the second to last paragraph or rephrase is…  something like “My Dad never made it home before 12; which was a time, that as a kid, I could only dream of staying up until.”  

Third sentence in the last paragraph, reconsider the word “misgivings”

4th sentence, I would make the sentence more about how he wanted a life that didn’t involve kids.  You hint at it but don’t really nail it down.

Over all I think you have a lot of possibility here…  I look forward to see another draft.

Hi. I like this a lot, but I think you need to read it aloud to yourself. If you do that - imagine you were giving it as a speech - you will spot the errors that make this difficult to read.

In addition, I notice that you keep putting in a lot of extra words that aren't needed. Tidy it up a lot, make it more concise.

For example:

When the separation was first happening and I was first learning about it I can only remember one instance where I cried about it.

This sentence hardly trips off the tongue. Perhaps it should be something more like this:

I only cried once when I learned about the separation.

or

When I first heard about the separation, I only cried once.

This applies to many other areas of your writing. One of the best bits I thought was the description of your teacher - it is really vivid and great, but you could definitely improve it by sharpening up your phrasing.

  The woman who ran the program was named Mrs. Drake.  She was large and wore a lot of red shirts, a color easily burned into my memory.  They made her look like a large apple with a human head as a stem.  She also had a witch’s wart on her nose, which was sharp and beak like.  Her face looked like a leathery troll.  However, in sharp contrast to her ugly exterior, she was the kindest elementary teacher I had.

Perhaps something like

The program was run by a large woman named Mrs. Drake.  She tended to wear red shirts, a color easily burned into my memory as they made her look like a large apple with a human head as a stem. Her face was leathery like a troll, and she had a witch’s wart on her nose, which was sharp and beak like. However, in sharp contrast to her ugly exterior, she was the kindest elementary teacher I had.

This is a great piece Jase.  I think that it captured some great emotions, and it had great moments of metaphore.  There were several sections throughout the piece that stuck out to me because of their wonderful wording and description.  I really like your opening line.  It was a keen and unique way of describing who your mother was by using some of the things she did, or her actions.  Because people are so often defined by their actions, I thought that this was a very successful way of introducing her to the piece.  The play on words is also nice; as a reader it was easy to make the connection between oil and water not mixing, and the personality of your parents as they were described in terms of oil and water.  Overall, your introduction was very effective.

At times throughtout the course of the piece, I felt as though the writing felt a little bit forced.  That is to say, it seemed as though you were trying to get in so many details and so much information that you lost some of the literization and it felt like more of an essay.  I have often heard that writing is more effective when you show your reader what is happening rather than telling them.  As such, I would have liked to see a little bit more characterization and scene set-up throughout the piece.  For example, when you are talking about Mrs. Drake, I think that you had some great discriptions about her general appearance, but then you just say that she was hte best teacher you had ever had.  What exeriences did you have with her that made her your best teacher?  What was she really good at?  Show me why she was a good teacher, rather than telling me that she was a good teacher.  Does that make sense?  As a reader, I really think that looking at each sentence and analyzing whether or not there is a better way to show your reader what you want them to know about the situation or person and then doing some rewrites on the sentence level.

Hope these suggestions are helpful for you in your revision process.