Your title is wonderful! It's very appealing and draws the reader to your story.

My only probems were that you missed a few needed words and small grammatical errors.

Jemima hurried to the front of the store as the door closed behind last customer.

 This sentence should be "Jemima hurried to the front of the store as the door closed behind the last customer". I'm sure you skipped over it from excitation of writing the story ^-^.

With a practiced flick of the wrist, she smartly turned the sign over, displaying "closed" to whomever might pass by.

In this sentence, you add an unneeded comma after the word over. Simple error.

But the lights also pained her because obscured the stars of the sky.

Using proper grammer, one would not start a sentence with the word "but". Disregarding that, the sentence should be written as "But the lights also pained her because they obscured the stars of the sky". Again, a simple skip. Now, to correctly fix the sentence, you would have to change the beginning word. I would simply drop the "but" and start the sentence with "the". I would also redo the wording a bit. Like this: "The lights pained her, though, because they obscured the stars of the sky".

"Ah, good evening, Miss Cuthbert," said the barkeeper.

Another unneeded comma here. After evening, I would drop the comma because there is an unneeded pause.

"A bowl of tonight's chowder should be just fine," She said. "And a mug of ale."

Here, you are missing a comma. If you are going to do seperated dialogue, you must add a comma after said and uncapitalize "she' and "and". Doing this also makes the second "sentence" correct by not starting a sentence with and.

"There you are," said Olivia. "We were wondering if you were ever going to turn up."

Here, again, it is supposed to be a seperated dialogue. You did not insert any actions or descriptions, therefore, you put a comma after "Olivia" and uncapitalize "we".

Same mistake here:

 "Miss Marble left early again," said Jemima. "And the other girl never came in today. I was the only one to close."

I think you know the drill.

And again here:

"That floozie chose not to come in again," said Margaret. "She won't have that position much longer if she keeps this up."

Same fix.

And again:

"It's an earthquake," shouted the barkeeper. "Get out!"

Same fix. Sorry about being so thourough, but I think this story has great potential so I'm trying to help you make it perfect in the eyes of real critics ^-^.

"I don't know," he said. "But it isn't an earthquake!"

Again, same mistake.

"It could be a meteor," he said. "I've heard of these rocks that fall from the sky and burn up as they get closer to earth."

Same mistake, except I've must still be capitalized.

Jemima held up her hand and was only able to blot out only a fraction of the flame.

In this sentence you use only more than is needed. Try rewriting the sentence as "Jemima held up her hand and was only able to blot out a fraction of the flame".

The man moved quickly, though, clapping his hand over his mouth.

In this sentence I believe you meant to say "The man moved quickly, though, clapping his hand over her mouth. It makes the sentences afterward make much more sense.

"You're right, of course. But if we just shout it to them all, there'll be a panic," he said. "Have you any friends in the crowd?"

Only one mistake in this passage. Again, you start a sentence with "but", which is improper grammer, BUT, because it is dialogue, it does not need to be changed. The mistake in this passage is the one I have pointed out numerous times. Same drill.

"Good girl," said the man. "May luck smile on us both."

Same mistake.

"Those colors mean that this town is doomed," said Jemima. "Once that meteor or rock or whatever that thing is hits the water, it will flood Clayville."

*sigh* You know, it's getting really boring pointing out the SAME MISTAKE over and over again. Lol, but I shall continue for the greater good!

"You don't mean that honestly, do you," asked Margaret. "I mean, you're joking with us."

Same mistake.

"I wish I were," said Jemima. "But if we don't get out of town right now, we're all going to drown."

Same mistake.

"Where are you going, Jemima," said Olivia.

Here, you should rewrite this sentence as "Where are you going Jemima," said Olivia.

"Will you write us to let us know where you end up," said Margaret."

You put a quotation at  the end of Margaret which doesn't need to be there.

"Silly girl, I won't be able to," she said. "I won't know where you are."

Same mistake again.

It broke her heart, but time was not moving any more slowly.

 This sentence doesn't flow. If you rewrite it, try this: "It broke her heart, but time was not moving any slower".

A cab clattered past on the cobblestones, its dynamo driver had energy sparking from his hands at an incredible rate, driving the steam engine at a dangerous rate.

Here, you use rate twice and it throws off the sentence. Try substituting one "rate" with "speed" or some other word.

"There you are," said her mother. "It's high time you got home, young lady."

Same mistake again.

"Do you see that, mother? It is on fire and it's falling into the ocean," she said. "When it hits, where do you think the water will go? Somewhere else? No. This town will be totally covered."

Same mistake again.

Here as well:

"The only way I see it, the only thing we can do is make it to the mountains to the north," said Jemima.  "If the town washes away, we should be safe up there. If not, well, the hike shan't kill us. Help me get together some things."

Same fix.

Good enough, though Jemima.

Here, I believe you meant thought.

While there is a lot of errors, they are minor. So don't worry! I loved your story! I think it needs a bit more action in the beginning to keep the reader interested but other than that, it is perfect. I also love the ending and I can't wait to see what happens next!

 Exciting beginning. I'd love to read the rest of this story.

 Howdy howdy. Thanks again for your comments on my first batch of June pieces. Oh, and your scratchpad has reappeared, by the way. Very bizarre. Must have been my computer at work. Anyway, onto your story:

Good things: I love the consistency of the voice in this piece. What year is this? It sounds so.. old fashioned. I mean that in a good way. I love how you stayed true to the voice the whole way through. I think it really added to the piece. I also like how you threw in some family history throughout the piece.

Bad things: I'm not sure why, and this is a totally personal thing, but the underlined thoughts really bothered me. Can I ask why you didn't use itallics? I'm not sure why that irked me. I guess it's just because you don't typically see things underlined in writing (except book titles and the like). Anyway, just a thought.

Onto line-by-line:

Jemima held up her hand and was only able to blot out only a fraction of the flame.

To me, the second "only" makes the sentence seem.. clunky. I think the same point would be gotten if you just took it out.

You have a lot of questions in dialogue that don't end in question marks. An example can be found on the top of page three:

"Where are you giong, Jemima," said Olivia.

The comma after Jemima should be a question mark. You may want to read back through, because I think there were a few more.

"Oh, I nearly forgot, said Jemima.

You're missing the closing quotation mark after fogot.

"Will you write use to let us know where you end up," said Margaret."

Well, we found the missing quotation mark from the line before The " after Margaret looks like a typo. Also, this is another example of a question with no question mark.

Fear saturated her voice.

I think this is a great line. It's a perfect non-boring way to say "She was scared." I also think it fits into the mood of the piece very well. Another example of the consistency with voice.

She also picked up the lantern that Jonas kept fully charged in case they needed portable lighting.

Who is Jonas? Maybe I missed that..

"Mother are you ready?" She asked.

Somehow the underline from the sentence before got carried into the quotation mark. Also, the word she should not be capitalized.

Good enough, though Jemima.

Should be thought.

Anyway, I hope some of this helps. I really enjoyed this chapter. It did a good job of pulling me in. I'm looking forward to reading chapter two

 Jay, this story has sooooooo much potential.  Your characters are well placed and you've done an excellent job establishing your setting and ambiance; however, punctuation and stilted dialogue are weighing down a great story. Your style seems to write in clipped sentences, rather than long paragraphs;. This is okay, but if that's your style make every sentence deliver a punch or display your wit.  I caught a few of the word omissions, but I notice a previous viewer had pointed them out to you. 

I have a terrific writer's model that I will send to you via another email. I believe you will find it useful as you certainly have the imagination to become  a good writer, potentially a great one.  Your imagery and cadence are excellent. I look forward to reading the ongoing chapters.  Good luck to you - shilohx7

 Jay, I believe you want to check your word choice in the first paragraph "barque," doen't seem to fit there. Why not write something like "some semblence of normalcy." 

You have a great story line here, but you are handling it in a rather lackluster manner. You should rev it up a bit and get the energy moving. You got this hugh orange ball moving slowly across the sky and folks are standing around acting normal. Shouldn't there be lots of terror and suspense, with dogs and cats running amok? LOL.  There's a page in the making simply discribing how the town will flood and where folks will go. How isolated is this town?  Are there any levees around that are subject to break, causing even more havoc ?   Should Jemina be worried about her mother and brother before fleeing Clayville? I like the quiet confidence and assurance of the tavern keeper, but there needs to be more action and conflict. I look forward to reading future chapters.

This has the making of a great story and you are still on target.

Jay,

I cheated a little and glanced at Chapter 2, just so I knew where this was going. I'm not a sci-fi reader, so you'll have to take my notes with a grain of salt. You've got an interesting title and story description. Your writing is also clear. But I feel this chapter will benefit from improved pacing and structure.

The chapter opens with Jemima working at a store. It's competently done, but I feel it lacks a hook. I'm interested in the thing falling from the sky, so I'm just waiting for it, tempted to ignore the other stuff leading up to it.

Out came the ledger, quill, and ink pot. The money earned for the day was counted and scrupulously noted. She then swept the floor, making sure to pay extra attention to the corners. Cobwebs tended to accumulate in more remote areas, causing Miss Marble, the store's proprietor, consternation to no end. And we wouldn't want that. The last time cobwebs had infringed upon the store's chastity, Jemima had been threatened with the loss of her job as well as a black mark in the annals of the green grocer's guild. Miss Marble would have made sure that she would never be able to work a respectable job in the market district of Clasbury again.

This paragraph is well written, but in terms of story it wasn't until page two that I realized the setting was not contemporary America. You've got hints in here, but I think a specific setting should be clearly established. Where is Clasbury? And more importantly, what year/time-period is this? No need to insert "England, 1912" or anything, but it can be suggested through descriptions of the buildings, attitudes of characters, dialogue, and a number of other methods.

Jemima had not been meant for this lot in life. Rather than a shopgirl, birth and breeding had ordained her for aristocracy. She should have been treading across a lush ballroom floor this evening rather than the rough boards of this dry goods grocery. The family had suffered hard times, though. This job was one of necessity. She had to earn money to keep herself and her mother out of the gutter. Jemima was glad that this was her lot, though. Her brother had met a much worse fate. His condition, as their mother referred to his abilities, was considered a blight to any individual of the upper class.

"had not been" makes this paragraph passive. In effect, I felt the story stop-- the theater lights came up and a narrator stepped out to explain something to me. Much of the paragraph's text is backstory. I don't think it's unimportant, I just think it's not needed here, so early in the novel.

At the very least, you could activate the first sentence to blend it into the narrative, simply by switching "had not been" to "knew she had not been..." or better yet "spotted her reflection on the window glass. She looked at her (pale) complexion, thinking of how she had not been..."

At instances throughout, I encountered prose which I felt was not badly written, but was unnecessary, and consequently slowed the plot.

Once completed, the clerical supplies went into their cubby under the counter.

Jemima dimmed the lights, slipped on her coat and gloves, and then slipped out the front door.

repetition.

It was the type of evening that she found most fetching. A bite of chill lent an additional edge of fierceness to the salted wind blowing off the bay. Snatches of music and laughter provided welcome companions to these. Jemima walked into the wind, idly bumping her hand against the blazing lamp posts as she went. The unwavering glow of the light provided her with a sense of security. What cutpurse would attempt to rob a young woman in such brilliance? But the lights also pained her because obscured the stars of the sky. The thought of the dynamos, toiling endlessly in the subterranean power plants, also struck home. I wonder if Jonas is lighting my way home tonight, she thought.

Here we're at the tip of the iceberg of establishing setting.  Stuff I liked include:

"the salted wind blowing off the bay"

"the blazing lamp posts" - describe them. I wanted more.

Stuff that didn't work as well for me include:

"It was the type of evening that she found most fetching." - telly

"The unwavering glow of the light provided her with a sense of security." - telly

"The thought of the dynamos, toiling endlessly in the subterranean power plants, also struck home." - not sure what a dynamo is. Regardless, "thought" is your subject and "struck" is your verb, and they're quite far apart in the sentence.

"I wonder if Jonas is lighting my way home tonight, she thought." - if you want to mention Jonas here, we should discover who he is fairly close to the mention of his name.

The walk ended quickly, though. The tavern she frequented was only a few buildings away from Miss Marble's establishment. She pushed open the rough door and went in.

Tavern is the new setting. I think it needs another beat to establish it, so the reader feels the change in location.

This made her smile. He was one of the few who called her by her family name. It was a courtesy that never tired her.

Are these details necessary?

He ladled her order out for her and traded the bowl and mug for the change she proffered. Jemima then wended her way through the tables to a corner near the fire place. Her favorite chair sat empty, but the table was occupied with the young women Jemima had come to count as friends.

The action here felt overly-detailed to me. All we're describing here is picking up food and walking to a table. 

"Good evening, ladies," she said as she approached. "There you are," said Olivia. "We were wondering if you were ever going to turn up." "Miss Marble left early again," said Jemima. "And the other girl never came in today. I was the only one to close." "That floozie chose not to come in again," said Margaret. "She won't have that position much longer if she keeps this up." "Aye, she won't, but I don't want to talk of this tonight," said Jemima.

The women don't seem to develop after this. Does the dialogue contribute to the plot?

The many shortcomings of her coworkers were a topic of conversation that was threadbare and worried as a terrier's favorite slipper.

This is good. As a matter of fact, it negates any necessity to actually hear the dialogue.

With that, the conversation was shunted into more enjoyable channels. The trio of young ladies talked for a long time, as was their nightly custom. Jemima let the day's worries slip away in a barque of normalcy.

I felt this was unnecessary.

Until there was a boom.

Here, I thought to myself, "finally, something happens." But it arrived much later than I'd hoped.

The sound was unlike the thunder that was normal during the stormy seasons.

Unnecessary, unless you put it through Jemima's sensory experience.

Jemima caught herself against the table's edge, or the shock would have knocked her face-first into her dinner.

"nearly knocking her face-first into her dinner."

Apparently her words were not as quiet as she thought because her companion replied.

The object's size was immense. From the way it was moving, it seemed to be slow, barely inching along. But it was enormous. Jemima held up her hand and was only able to blot out only a fraction of the flame.

The prose feels slow in its context. When the action is tense, short sentences seem to work better.

"It could be a meteor," he said. "I've heard of these rocks that fall from the sky and burn up as they get closer to earth."

Since I don't know the exact time period, I'm not sure whether or not this scientific knowledge would be commonplace. Meteors weren't widely acknowledged as they are now until at earliest the late 1800s, and even then, did a common shop clerk know what it was? I just hope the time period matches the science.

Also, what made the first boom sound? I thought it was impact. Because when a meteor breaks through the atmosphere, it doesn't necessarily boom.

She tried to imagine the splash that a falling rock would create. Surely it would be enough to cover the town. The import of this thought hit her. She whirled around to face the speaker.

Again, since this is written in 3POV, I'm not sure if a common shop clerk would be this cognizant of physics and the repercussions of an object of considerable mass colliding and displacing water. Maybe it'd be better as background dialogue from the local scientist or something, since we have so much background dialogue going on already.

His face was sallow. "My girl, if you're right, it shan't exist tomorrow."

This dialogue felt a little stilted as period dialogue.

"Oh, yes." Jemima said. She thought for a moment. "These people have to know what's going to happen." She cupped her hands around her mouth and he batted them down.

I'd like to feel more tension in your prose.

"You're right, of course. But if we just shout it to them all, there'll be a panic," he said. "Have you any friends in the crowd?" "Yes, two." "All right, then. You find them both, and tell them that they need to get out of the city. Then have them find two people to tell, and let the word spread easily. I'll do the same." "I can do that," said Jemima. "Good girl," said the man. "May luck smile on us both." With that, he was gone.

Some of this dialogue is unnecessary and slows the pacing. Also, the plan to spread the word by paying it forward two-at-a-time doesn't seem like a very sensible one to me.

Jemima turned around rapidly, looking for Margaret and Olivia. She could not see them easily, so she began to work her way through the crowd, calling their names. She found them standing near the green grocer's where she worked.

I think the setting here needs to be reset. Let us wander through the crowd a little, feel the confusion. Maybe focus more on the sensory experience. What does it sound like, smell like? Is it cold? What does that tension in the air feel like? What are some odd things that she sees that make us go, yeah, that'd be weird to see that. Something must be going on.

"Look at it, Jemima," said Olivia, pointing to the falling object. "Those colors are incredible!" "Those colors mean that this town is doomed," said Jemima. "Once that meteor or rock or whatever that thing is hits the water, it will flood Clayville." The other two girls looked at the rock, fear plainly written on their faces.

This might work if it were a film, but since it's prose the intensity must be even greater. Looking at the colors isn't necessary, and while it does convey these women's total ignorance to their perilous situation, it doesn't contribute to Jemima's tension so I don't think it's necessary.

"You don't mean that honestly, do you," asked Margaret. "I mean, you're joking with us." "I wish I were," said Jemima. "But if we don't get out of town right now, we're all going to drown." "Where are you going, Jemima," said Olivia. That was something Jemima had yet to consider. She thought rapidly for several seconds. "For right now, the mountains to the north. Hopefully the high ground will be enough to keep me and my mum safe from the waves." The other girls both nodded at the logic of this. "Oh, I nearly forgot, said Jemima. "You both need to tell two people to get out of town. Tell them to each tell two people. We've got to spread the word without causing a panic. And now I really should go." "Will you write us to let us know where you end up," said Margaret." The request struck Jemima as both sweet and a little funny at the same time. She laughed a little as her eyes began to fill with tears. "Silly girl, I won't be able to," she said. "I won't know where you are." Margaret looked shocked. "Oh, dear. I'd not thought of that. So this is goodbye." "I suppose so," said Jemima. She quickly embraced both of her friends. "I'll try to come back when Clayville is rebuilt, but I doubt it'll be any time soon." "We best go," said Olivia. Jemima nodded, turned, and walked away. It broke her heart, but time was not moving any more slowly. She had to get back to her flat and get her mother.

Again, it's slowing the action for me.

She kept battling her way toward the crowd's fringe, but it seemed that more and more people were aggregating to watch the firey satellite. They were none too happy about letting her through either. She got several dirty looks and heard more than one invective hurled at her as she squirmed through the people. The crowd had spread through several streets, impeding her for more than an hour. By the time she was finally out, Jemima was panicking. The...whatever was dangerously near the water. She could not see it when she passed down streets lined with taller buildings.

This is a dense paragraph. Given what's going on, I'm not sure if it's appropriate. Words like "They were none too happy about letting her through either. She got several dirty looks and heard more than one invective hurled at her as she squirmed through the people." are probably accurate descriptions, but I think there is a more concise way to phrase it.

"The...whatever" is author-intrusive, because we aren't told it through Jemima's POV-- instead, it sounds like the author's opinion.

She gathered her skirts up, and began to run. On a regular evening, it took her a good half hour of walking to reach the flat she shared with her mother. She had already been delayed more than she had ever been before. A cab clattered past on the cobblestones, its dynamo driver had energy sparking from his hands at an incredible rate, driving the steam engine at a dangerous rate.

The mention of "cab" confused me in understanding time period.

Also, "dynamo" driver confuses me too. Maybe I just don't know this word. Was it used in this time period?

Perfect! I can get home much faster now. It would eat up some of her hard-earned money, but that was the least of her worries. What good is money if you don't posess a life?

It's a thought that isn't bad, but doesn't add to rising tension. At this point, I think the most important thing is the story's pacing.

By the time she reached her flat, she was quite out of breath. She paused for a moment and looked back at the ocean. The flames were reaching out toward the water greedily. No time, no time. She ran up the stairs and burst into the small suite that she shared with her mother. The once proud matron, a woman who had never known hard times before the death of her husband, sat in a rickety rocking chair, darning stockings.

Here, you're describing the character's tension in prose that, for me, isn't tense.

"There you are," said her mother. "It's high time you got home, young lady." "Mother--" "Honestly, if I were a girl in your position, up early in the morning and working late into the evening, I'd be home much earlier. You never know what kinds of ne'er-do-wells are skulking through those streets."

Unnecessary, I think, for fiction.

This particular vein of complaint was a favorite of the matron of the Cuthberts. Typically Jemima would listen to the diatribes with long suffering. Her mother and father had been well suited for each other. They were lovers of excess and luxury whose appetites were only limited by their means. Unfortunately, when those resources dwindled, Mr. Cuthbert had found it easier to take his life rather than take responsibility for their tremendous debt. His wife, lacking a strong constitution, was plunged into despondancy by his act. Several nervous break-downs led to a series of visits to physicians, which had strained the family's tenuous fortune past the breaking point. Mrs. Cuthbert now spent her time berating her daughter and worrying about her health.

This is another example of backstory inserted into the narrative. It's not bad information-- I just feel it's wrong to stop the story, turn the theater lights on, and explain something to us at the climax of the chapter.

Her mother dropped her work, startled. Jemima flushed and put her hand to her forehead. After a slow count to three, she began speaking again.

These sound like stage directions. I don't think there's a need to be so specific about action.

"I haven't heard any rain," said Mrs. Cuthbert. "No, not rain. It's...well, I don't know quite what it is, but it's big, and it's on fire," said Jemima. "Preposterous. Fire doesn't fall from heaven," said Mrs. Cuthbert. Jemima was running out of patience despite her best efforts. "Just look." She crossed over to the window facing the harbour and pulled open the drapes. The flaming object was just visible on the horizon.

 

This feels more like screenwriting to me-- staging elements of a scene that don't necessarily contribute to the plot. For plot, we need to know Jemima is frantically trying to get her mother and run. But the banter between them, while appropriate to create confusion and tension in a film scene, doesn't have the same effect in a book.

"What shall we do?" asked Mrs. Cuthbert. Fear saturated her voice. She got up and moved behind her daughter.

To me, this is telling. I'd like it if you made us feel it. Make us feel the emotion and the sensory experience.

"The only way I see it, the only thing we can do is make it to the mountains to the north," said Jemima. "If the town washes away, we should be safe up there. If not, well, the hike shan't kill us. Help me get together some things."

This is already implied.

She moved quickly through the apartment, loading a second basket with changes of clothes for both of them. She also picked up the lantern that Jonas kept fully charged in case they needed portable lighting. If now's not at an emergency, I don't know what is. All of the money she had horded away also went into the basket. No precaution was too great. She quickly assessed her collected inventory. It was enough for at least a few days. We can get food from farms if need arise.

I don't think this is necessary either. It's not creating a sense of urgency in the moment.

Also, I'm not sure if it's good to mention Jonas again without telling us who he is.

As they reached the landing, a second tremor shook the earth. Jemima looked out the window at the harbor and saw nothing. The ocean had swallowed the fire.

This is a good hook to end the story.

I've probably given you more than enough to chew on. I hope it helps, and of course it's just my opinion. A lot of this, I feel, lies in translating the movie-in-your-head not just onto the page but into the reader's mind. It's a good concept so far, but I think maintaining tension is going to be the key to your success.

Good luck!

 There is so much untapped emotion in this story. There is the potential for the town to be submerged under water and a hugh red satellite is headed toward earth , yet everyone is simply standing around looking up and waiting to meet their doom. Only Jamina is hauling ass trying to get out of there in order to save her ungrateful mother. Instead of being hysterial, her co-horts have enough wits about them to ask her where they would write to keep in contact with her. Really? I don't think so, we are talking about panic here in a big way.

Page three is more on target; it's pages one and two that are begging for more of a plot and intriguing conflict. Jamina is simply too calm and placid. Imagine the average woman or man looking up and seeing a huge red ball headed slowly toward the earth with deadly precision. Don't you think  they'd not only think of themselves but would race to save family, pets and  their valuables; however, your characters seemed resigned to wait,  like zoombies, for the inevitable. You should also work on your pacing and structure; there is no exciting build up that's  needed to rev up the action. Everything sort of happen in a vacuum . Judging from the dialogue, the tavern keeper has seen this sort of phenomen before as he is calm and deliberate, even knowing in a just a little while, his city will be inundated with water and suffer possible destruction. Where's the action????

Re-read and flush out the action in this potentially excellent story.  Shilohx7

 The fourth page is your best yet.  One can feel Jemina's fear and her exasperation with her mule-headed mother. As she races about trying to decide what to take and what not to take, one can imagine how her mind is working as she tries simultaneously to convince her mother something perilous is about to happen.  When Jemina finally succeeds in getting enough supplies and provisions together to keep them going for awhile, ,her mother becomes, seemingly, comatose - nice touch.  You revved up the action in the last paragraph and for the first time made this reader want sto turn the page to see what happens next.  The ball of fire or satellite has disappeared, where did it go.? is the ocean headed for Clayville? I think you could have gotten a bit more action out of the disappearance of the satellite. Maybe the US army has fighter jets chasing the ball and all of a sudden everything disappear and the night is stilled; tthen they hear the whoosing of the ocean's water snaking ever so slowly toward Clayville.... Shilohx7

 Brilliant start. You immediately introduced the character to a degree where we knew enough about her to like her, but not enough for the reader to believe that there isn't anything else to learn about her. It keeps the interest fresh. The flow is just the right pace and steady.

On the second page, you said there was something like an earthquake, but this happens BEFORE the meteor hits the ground. What causes it then? Also, Jemima has a whole conversation with this mystery man before the meteor hits the ground. It sure takes a while for it to fall, don't you think? If its as big as you say it looks like, then it would be seconds before it hits the ground. Otherwise, it would be big enough to do more than drown a city. I don't think they would have time for all the talking, let alone spread the word so slowly. With the meteor coming in that quickly, i think panic would be your only option. Either that or make the thing must smaller and further away.

Great story. Nice flow and the characters are well played out. I look forward to reading the next chapter.

Pardon me if I repeat comments that others have already stated, but I don’t feel like reading critiques of other people’s work.

The only piece of your writing that I had read was Chapter Four. I had no idea what was going on, but I was very impressed with it nonetheless. Of all the writers that I have read at this site thus far, you are by far the smoothest. You always add just the right amount of description. I never feel like its being forced on me and I never feel like I need more.

Something that I noticed at the end of the chapter was that I had no idea what Jemima looked like. I couldn’t recall any physical description of her. I don’t usually prefer lots of detail about a character’s appearance, but it is nice to have something to work with.

I read the second draft of this chapter and it feels very refined. I really can’t find much to critique constructively.

“Jemima dimmed the lights, slipped on her coat and gloves, and then slipped out the front door.”

Use of the word ‘slipped’ twice in one sentence?

“Jemima walked into the wind, idly bumping her hand against the blazing lamp posts as she went.”

I really like this sentence. It’s completely unnecessary, yet a great way to describe the character indirectly.

“Jemima held up her hand and was only able to blot out only a fraction of the flame.”

Another double usage of a word, ‘only’.

“A cab clattered past on the cobblestones, its dynamo driver had energy sparking from his hands at an incredible rate, driving the steam engine at a dangerous rate.”

'rate' x 2

One other comment that is completely a personal preference on my part; the name ‘Jemima’ instantly reminds me of the ‘Aunt Jemima’ pancake mix and it actually detracts from the story for me. I’m probably the only one that has this problem, but I thought I’d just throw that in there.