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What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 3: Reassignment

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novel, fantasy, science fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

June 17, 3:03am

Word Count:

2554

Work Description

Chapter Description

Jonas Cuthbert learns what his new assignment will be.

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Jonas put down the hairbrush and checked the part running down the middle of his hair. He typically did not worry much about his toiletries.  After all, no one in the power plant was that concerned with appearances, just results. Today was different, though. He was appearing before the Assignment Board to find out what his next assignment would be.

He rather expected that he would be sent away from Haggeston. Ever since the disaster that wiped away Clayville, the Assignment Board had been sending dynamos there to assist with the reconstruction. The thought really did not appeal to him. His sister and mother had only just barely escaped the flooding. With no where else to go, they had come to stay with him in the hustle and bustle of the capital of the Loop'd Empire. The small two room apartment was cramped with the three of them. But at least they were together for the first time since their father's...passing.

The part seemed fine to him. Jemima would tell him if it was unworthy. Sisters were always good for that. He straightened his cravat and coat. The suit was terribly out of fashion, but Jonas had always made sure that they were well-kept. It was the only tangible legacy that he had from his father. He preferred to ignore the overwhelming debt that had been the other, more substantial, part of his inheritance. If only I could wear bills as well as I wear this suit.

With his appearance in order, Jonas walked over to the metal bar that ran from floor to ceiling in the corner opposite from his bed. He placed his fingertips against the dull, stained metal. The energy stored within his body struggled to escape all at once. The small light bulb in the wall sconce flared brightly for a full half minute before resuming its normal luminescence. The expenditure left Jonas feeling spent despite its brevity. He sagged, only supported by the pole. He stayed there for several minutes until he felt capable of standing. I wish I'd never been born like this, he thought.

But fate was an impartial card dealer, and he would make do with what he had. So he stood up and picked up his hat. It was time to face his fate.

He walked out of the small bedroom into the small living room. Jemima was sitting at the table, with text books borrowed from one of his friends spread out before her. She was studying to be a signal girl. He smiled as he closed the door.

"How is the studying progressing?" he asked.

She looked up and rolled her eyes.

"These books are at least ten years old, Jonas. I'm afraid I shall miss any important recent rules."

"You're learning the code at least. That's an important first step," he said.

She leaned forward. "Test me."

He hesitated for a moment. "I really shouldn't, I don't want to be late to the meeting with the Assignment Board."

"Just a quick phrase," she said. "I just want to try."

He gave in and held his hands out in front of him so that the palms faced each other. A beam of electricity strobed between his hands, appearing and disappearing at different intervals. When he finished, Jemima read the letters she had scribbled in the margin of her book. She looked up at him, horrified, and threw the book at him. He laughed and caught the book easily.

"How dare you say such things about me?"

"In jest, my dear, in jest," he said, put on his hat, and then kissed her on the forehead. "I'll return in a while. Please let me in when I get back."

"Good luck with that," she said as he closed the door.

 

#

 

Fortunately for Jonas, he was not late to the meeting. But the Assignment Board itself was not as prompt as he. Jonas sat in the dynamo waiting room for several hours, watching his fellow human power plants as they waited for their own turns. Some dozed, others caught up with old friends. Few read, lacking the education to do so. One old lady was rather ingenious; she held her hands in front of her and caused tiny bolts of lighting zigzag from one finger to the other,

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Discussion

 You've got a lot of potential in this story. It appears to be well thought out and is delivered well.

Dialogue flows naturally, and does not detract from the story, but enhances it. This is something that often eludes many people.

Before you get too much farther, however, you may want to consider at least doing a write-up on the history and happenings of your story. While working in the present-tense is obviously what you are going for, you will want to back that up with a solid background. Not only will this help you to propel your story, but it may even give you new ideas for future use. It also gives readers a greater understanding of what is going on within the story world.

Such a background will help to eliminate confusion in the smaller nuances that many people get caught in. Little things like "What is a Dynamo?" and "How do they manipulate elecricity?" and "Who and What are the aggressor alien race and why did they attack?" (to name a few)

While personally I understand what the concept of the Dynamo is, some people will not and it is these thing that will turn people away from the reading, not understanding things about main characters and major events makes understanding the book as a whole difficut and hard to follow.

Such a write up can be done on the side, such as with the "Honorverse" of ....... David Weber, I believe. Or you can include these things within the story. Adding a little background with the introduction of a new concept or plotline is perfectly acceptable. Unless of course a mystery is what you are aiming for.

Another thing that you do well is your imagery, such as describing the falling object and the details of the black-hole. These thing were well done and did not pull attention away from the story.

However, there does not seem to be enough of it. There are several instances where you could have put some more imagery in to help enhance both the story and the mood. One such time is in the beginning when Jemima is going to the bar. All that is pointed out is that she is in a city. You (the reader) don't find out until later that the streets are made of cobblestone, or that the city is possibly on the waterfront.

Such a point in the book is a good place to introduce the city as an entity. Is it sleepy or busy, smelly or clean, bright or dark, old or new. These sorts of imagery related items help place the mood of the story as well as enhance the reader's experience and increase understanding. Another such place would be in describing the Assignment Board's room. Is it like a courthouse, or is it more comfortable?

Sorry for writing your "ears off". Hopefully I gave you some food-for-thought and helped you out in some way. If I caused any offense in this writing I apologize, none was intended.

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