What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 3: Reassignment
novel, fantasy, science fiction
Published on:
June 17, 3:03amWord Count:
2554Work Description
Chapter Description
Jonas Cuthbert learns what his new assignment will be.
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need tools were always useful, as well as the standard power
providing services. Also, he could perform freelance work for
architectural firms in large-scale construction projects. But
why think big? He could always join a cab firm as a driver. He
could save money and eventually purchase his own hackney. Maybe he
could become the manager of his own firm.
His reverie was broken as he ran into someone out on the street. The fellow was carrying a large stack of flyers that scattered all over the cobblestones.
"Oy! Watch where you're going!" said the man. His eyes narrowed. "Are you a buster?" Sparks began to fly from the man's fingers.
"I did not mean to run into you, sir. I apologize," said Jonas. He stooped to being pick up the loose leaf.
"Don't you touch them," said the man. He shot several bolts out of his hands. Jonas caught the energy easily. The blasts were not strong, just enough to stun a person who was not a dynamo. The provocation nearly made Jonas lose his temper.
"I said I was sorry, what more do you want," he asked. He raised his hands in a defensive posture.
A well-dressed man interjected himself in between the two dynamos. "I'm sorry, my good sir--it seems my compatriot here has been a bit forward in his suspicions."
Jonas lowered his hands. "This man is with you?"
"Indeed he is," said the well-dressed man. "We are here today to protest the plight that you and your compatriots find yourself in. I am Lucian DeYarrick."
Jonas was surprised by the name. Lucian DeYarrick had been an upperclassman at the same primary school that Jonas attended. The young man had been known for his impetuosity and his fervent belief in justice. It seems he's finally found a cause.
"Mr. DeYarrick, thank you for your intervention," said Jonas. "I would have hated to tangle with a friend of yours."
"Not a trouble at all," said DeYarrick. "Would you like to participate in our little protest?"
"No," said Jonas. It would not do to be seen protesting against the Assignment Board. He was not willing to take the chance of endangering his upcoming freedom. "I've quite a bit to do today, but maybe some other time."
"Fair enough," said Lucian. "Until next time."
Jonas smiled and touched the brim of his hat before walking away.
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You've got a lot of potential in this story. It appears to be well thought out and is delivered well.
Dialogue flows naturally, and does not detract from the story, but enhances it. This is something that often eludes many people.
Before you get too much farther, however, you may want to consider at least doing a write-up on the history and happenings of your story. While working in the present-tense is obviously what you are going for, you will want to back that up with a solid background. Not only will this help you to propel your story, but it may even give you new ideas for future use. It also gives readers a greater understanding of what is going on within the story world.
Such a background will help to eliminate confusion in the smaller nuances that many people get caught in. Little things like "What is a Dynamo?" and "How do they manipulate elecricity?" and "Who and What are the aggressor alien race and why did they attack?" (to name a few)
While personally I understand what the concept of the Dynamo is, some people will not and it is these thing that will turn people away from the reading, not understanding things about main characters and major events makes understanding the book as a whole difficut and hard to follow.
Such a write up can be done on the side, such as with the "Honorverse" of ....... David Weber, I believe. Or you can include these things within the story. Adding a little background with the introduction of a new concept or plotline is perfectly acceptable. Unless of course a mystery is what you are aiming for.
Another thing that you do well is your imagery, such as describing the falling object and the details of the black-hole. These thing were well done and did not pull attention away from the story.
However, there does not seem to be enough of it. There are several instances where you could have put some more imagery in to help enhance both the story and the mood. One such time is in the beginning when Jemima is going to the bar. All that is pointed out is that she is in a city. You (the reader) don't find out until later that the streets are made of cobblestone, or that the city is possibly on the waterfront.
Such a point in the book is a good place to introduce the city as an entity. Is it sleepy or busy, smelly or clean, bright or dark, old or new. These sorts of imagery related items help place the mood of the story as well as enhance the reader's experience and increase understanding. Another such place would be in describing the Assignment Board's room. Is it like a courthouse, or is it more comfortable?
Sorry for writing your "ears off". Hopefully I gave you some food-for-thought and helped you out in some way. If I caused any offense in this writing I apologize, none was intended.