What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 4: Protesting Inequity
novel, fantasy, science fiction
Published on:
Jun. 19, 2008, 6:19amWord Count:
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Lucian watched the dynamo leave, a smile on his face. When the young man rounded the corner, Lucian wheeled around on his aggressive companion.
"Morris, dash it all, you've got to learn to show at least a touch of self-control," he said. "I won't let you ruin this before we've had a chance to even begin."
Morris immediately became defensive. "I'm sure he was a buster! He walked into me on purpose, trying to break up the demonstration."
Lucian threw his hands into the air. The idiots I suffer. "He was only walking out of the building. The chap didn't even see you as far as I could tell--you rushed the door like it was between you and a table full of free beer. I don't even know you'd want to go in there."
"I thought I'd hand them out in the dynamo room," said Morris sullenly.
Lucian gave him a withering glance. "Most of them can't even read, you dunce." He waved his hand around at the flyers strewn on the street. "Pick these up, and then at least try to act like anything but a savage."
He turned from Morris and quickly surveyed the scene outside of the Assignment Board's office building. It was a busy day in this section of Haggeston. There was a steady stream of people entering and leaving the shops and restaurants that were situated on Royal Avenue. They were people of the upper and middle class -- people who would not be particularly pleased to see a whole troupe of dirty, impoverished people obstructing their way.
He looked beyond the crowds to a circular median that was in front the Assignment Board. The protesters he had recruited were just beginning to arrive. As Lucian had suggested, they were all arrayed in tattered glory. He was sure that he could smell them from across the street. They were congregating around the fountain in the center of the circus there. A fair number of people had come so far, which pleased Lucian. We might actually get some attention today.
The previous protests that Lucian had organized had been laughable. The weather had conspired against him on several occasions. One time, he had been the only person to arrive at the preordained location. Despite these ordeals, Lucian was determined to continue with his campaign to turn public opinion against the terrible conditions that dynamos faced.
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It happened during his second month of sitting in the High House. Politics were a bit more difficult to understand than he had expected, but he had been growing accustomed to it. He was perhaps a bit too earnest, that was true. He had been on the edge of a nervous breakdown by trying to read all of the legislation and attending the conclaves for his committees as well as the session meetings. Additionally, he was in charge of the family's corporate and private holdings.
"I feel like I haven't slept ever since I took the seat," he said one day to Mr. Lavender, a senior party member who had taken him under wing.
Mr. Lavender chuckled. "My boy, you need to delegate. You'll run yourself into an early grave before your career begins if you don't."
"What do you mean, delegate?" Lucian was confused by the idea.
"Look at it this way," said Mr. Lavender, "your time's a precious commodity. You don't have time to take care all of the little things. So what you do is hire a staff of about three or four to read the boring things and go to the meetings you find insufferably dull. Then you find three or so things that interests you beyond all reason. And aside from the things you absolutely cannot avoid, that's what you pour yourself into."
The aesthetic appeal of the plan was easily apparent to Lucian. "But how do I find out what really interests me?"
"Well, you go on fact-finding trips," said Mr. Lavender. "Just tag along with different people until you find something that interests you. In fact, I'm going to visit the dynamo plant tomorrow. Have you ever seen that?"
"No, what's
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This is my first critique, so be sure to take my words with a grain of salt.
I was wary of reading your work, having not read any of the first three chapters, but I was surprised at how quickly, and easily, I was pulled into the story. By missing the earlier parts of the story I’m sure I’ve already missed the physical descriptions of your main characters, but you write your dialog such that it feels very specific to each character. It’s obvious that you put a lot thought into what your characters say, unlike many writers who have all of their characters speak with the same diction. This helps to build upon the initial characteristics which I’m sure were already stated earlier. An added bonus that comes with this is a decrease in the amount of narrative description that has to be done. Personally, I become easily bored with writing that constantly forces visceral character descriptions down my eyes, and that was one of the reasons I could jump into the story so quickly, despite having no clue as to what was going on.
To me the most pivotal part of the chapter was the following line:
"Thank you Mr. Lavender, I've found what interests me beyond all reason."
My only problem with this line was that if he is going to use his entire political power to fight for this cause, he should at least learn as much about it as possible. If there was more that could be seen and learned as the ‘rest of the tour’ suggested, he should have stayed and suffered through it, no matter how despicable he found it.
One other minor point that bothered me was this line:
"Pick these up, and then at least try to act like anything but a savage."
It seemed like an awkward statement to me. Something along the lines of:
“Pick these up and please try to act like something other than a savage.”
I don’t know, that’s not very good either, but maybe you see my point. I only picked this line in particular because this is the type of critiques I like to get. I often write something that makes perfect sense to me, no matter how many times I re-read it, only to have the reader say, “What the hell?”
I think overall this is very good and I will definitely be looking at the previous chapters to this story.



I have read your four chapters from start to finish. I can't say I've read with any great depth, but I can say that in all my years on the internet, I have never read any extended online fiction with such enjoyment. That's not to say I think these pieces are perfected, but it is to say that you have very nearly excellent poise: the characters, plot and scenario are sufficient to keep me reading. You would not believe how rare that is -- well done on achieving this for yourself!
Perhaps the core of my interest lies in the plotting -- but this springs so naturally from your characters that it's hard to think of them without it, or it without them. The characters' motivations are clear and come across very nicely.
I do think you could deepen the characters, though. Right now they feel generally... well, general. The down-on-their-luck nobility; the noble savage (dynamo); the alien in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the best drawn is the politician because you chronicle his conversion, but there's still great scope for adding more finesse. They all feel a bit rough-hewn for the moment -- but definitely rough-hewn from good wood.
There is some awkwardness in your use of language sometimes. More than once I feel as if you are reaching for more words rather than less. A good hard edit will probably sort all this out. Turf out the cliches and common phrases.
Oh, and could I please have a capital D for dynamo? (I know: they're an underclass, but you could sell the capital by saying that they're frightening and powerful and that no matter how people tried to treat them with contempt (slaves) it would be a rare and courageous holy man who did not capitalise "Satan".) (I love the idea of there being children's stories about dynamos... go on!)
Also, in your scene selection, I think when you come to rewrite you should have a very hard think about making your scenes both necessary and as vivid as possible. To be harsh at my utmost: I didn't feel that your first chapter was necessary (also that the dialogue was really rather laboured in the face of panic); I felt in your second chapter that you were too concerned with the science and computer dialogue as compared to how Mr Alien felt about hurtling towards a planet that he really wasn't expecting. By the third and fourth chapters however I was just thoroughly enjoying your beautifully complex world -- though, in 'make a scene of it' terms, I think you missed a trick with really showing what happens when an exhausted dynamo is released from the machines? I really wanted you to turn my stomach to turn with pity, but I don't feel you really took me there in your description.
If you'd like to talk more about this piece, please don't hesitate to email me.
Have I mentioned enough how much I enjoyed this? I love the world, love the plotlines, love the characters (so much that I only want more and more of them!).
Thank you for this!