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What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 4: Protesting Inequity

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novel, fantasy, science fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

June 19, 6:19am

Word Count:

2899

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"It's really most fascinating," said Mr. Lavender. "Did you know that it's almost completely run by debtors? The others are paupers."

"Debtors?" Lucian had never really thought of where the power had come from when he turned on the lights. It was fine enough that it was there.

"Yes, it really is a quite ingenious system. When the other choices are the poorhouse or jail, a dynamo finds working for the Crown an attractive alternative," said Mr. Lavender. "Come with me and see how the plants work, it's quite the experience."

"All right, I think I will," said Jonas. What could it hurt explore different experiences? In fact, broadening his personal knowledge would only work out for the best. I can't really pass laws that people will have to live by unless I know how they live.

And so Lucian found himself descending down into the ground to visit the Haggeston Municipal power plant.

When he and Mr. Lavender reached the bottom of the lift shaft, Jonas was surprised at how poorly lit the room was. He mentioned it to his companion.

"These people don't need to see that much," said Mr. Lavender. "They just need to be able to provide the energy for us to see."

The logic of the statement did not make sense to Lucian. He was going to question Mr. Lavender more, but an obsequious little man rushed up.

"Mr. Lavender," he said, "how good to see you again."

"Quimby," said Mr. Lavender, "I'd like to introduce you to a young friend of mine. Mr. DeYarrick has recently taken his family's seat in the High House."

Quimby extended a hand. "Baron DeYarrick, it is always a pleasure to meet a young man of your stature."

"Mr. DeYarrick, if you please," said Lucian. He was still uncomfortable with the formalized terms of politics.

"Ah, yes, of course," said Quimby. Wrinkles creased around his eyes as he smiled. "Now, if you two don't mind, let's begin the tour."

He turned around and began walking down the wooden catwalk that ran up to the lift with Quimby yammering away about the intricacies of power production. They moved down a cramped corridor for a few moments that opened up into an enormous chamber.  Lucian craned his neck back so far that his hat nearly fell off. As he looked around, he saw that the planks of the wooden walkway continued out into the room, but were a supported by pylons stretching down into the darkness.

"Impressive, isn't it?" asked Mr. Lavender.

"It's enormous," said Lucian. Mr. Lavender laughed at his reaction.

"I had the same reaction when I first was here," he said. "Just wait until you actually see the dynamos."

"The shifts are just now about to shift," said Quimby. "Let's go over to the observation platform so you can watch."

The trio walked down the bridge and continued out into the middle of the chamber. They climbed up a small set of spiral stairs to the observation platform.  Huge chains, accompanied by cables as thick as Lucian's arm, stretched from the top of the room down past the bridge. Lucian looked over the edge of the platform's rail, trying to see what was at the end of the chains. As he was looking, a bell at the top of the cavern began tolling. There was a terrific grinding noise, so loud that he clapped his hands to his ears. The chains began ascending slowly. What's at the end of those things?

Out of the darkness, hundreds of metal spheres began to ascend. They were made of large curving beams of iron, covered in cobwebs of what appeared to be copper. The reddish lattice was gathered at the top of the sphere, intertwining to become the huge cable that accompanied the chains. Stray bolts of electricity sparked out of the spheres, arcing across vast expanses to lick at other spheres randomly.

The spheres kept climbing until they were level with the causeway just below the Lucian and his companions. In one accord all of the spheres split open

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Discussion

Opening Comments

I have read  your four chapters from start to finish.  I can't say I've read with any great depth, but I can say that in all my years on the internet, I have never read any extended online fiction with such enjoyment.  That's not to say I think these pieces are perfected, but it is to say that you have very nearly excellent poise: the characters, plot and scenario are sufficient to keep me reading.  You would not believe how rare that is -- well done on achieving this for yourself!

Plot

Perhaps the core of my interest lies in the plotting -- but this springs so naturally from your characters that it's hard to  think of them without it, or it without them.  The characters' motivations are  clear and come across very nicely.

I do think you could deepen the characters, though.  Right now they feel generally... well, general.  The down-on-their-luck nobility; the noble savage (dynamo); the alien in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the best drawn is the politician because you chronicle his conversion, but there's still great scope  for adding more finesse.  They  all feel a bit rough-hewn for the moment -- but definitely rough-hewn from good wood.

There is some awkwardness in your use of language sometimes.  More than once I feel as if you are reaching for more words rather than less.  A good hard edit will probably sort all this out.  Turf out the cliches and common phrases. 

Oh, and could I please have a capital D for dynamo? (I know: they're an underclass, but you could sell the capital by saying that they're frightening and powerful and that no matter how people tried to treat them with contempt (slaves) it would be a rare and courageous holy man who did not capitalise "Satan".) (I love the idea of there being children's stories about dynamos... go on!)

Also, in your scene selection, I think when you come to rewrite you should have a very hard think about making your scenes both necessary and as vivid as possible.  To be harsh at my utmost: I didn't feel that your first chapter was necessary (also that the dialogue was really rather laboured in the face of panic); I felt in your second chapter that you were too concerned with the science and computer dialogue as compared to how Mr  Alien felt about hurtling towards a planet that he really wasn't expecting. By the third and fourth chapters however I was just thoroughly enjoying your beautifully complex world -- though, in 'make a scene of it' terms, I think you missed a trick with really showing what happens when an exhausted dynamo is released from the machines?  I really wanted you to turn my stomach to turn with pity, but I don't feel you really took me there in your description.

If you'd like to talk more about this piece, please don't hesitate to email me. 

Have I mentioned enough how much I enjoyed this? I love the world, love the plotlines, love the characters (so much that I only want more and more of them!).

Thank you for this!

 This is my first critique, so be sure to take my words with a grain of salt.

 

I was wary of reading your work, having not read any of the first three chapters, but I was surprised at how quickly, and easily, I was pulled into the story. By missing the earlier parts of the story I’m sure I’ve already missed the physical descriptions of your main characters, but you write your dialog such that it feels very specific to each character. It’s obvious that you put a lot thought into what your characters say, unlike many writers who have all of their characters speak with the same diction. This helps to build upon the initial characteristics which I’m sure were already stated earlier. An added bonus that comes with this is a decrease in the amount of narrative description that has to be done. Personally, I become easily bored with writing that constantly forces visceral character descriptions down my eyes, and that was one of the reasons I could jump into the story so quickly, despite having no clue as to what was going on.

 

To me the most pivotal part of the chapter was the following line:

"Thank you Mr. Lavender, I've found what interests me beyond all reason."

               

My only problem with this line was that if he is going to use his entire political power to fight for this cause, he should at least learn as much about it as possible. If there was more that could be seen and learned as the ‘rest of the tour’ suggested, he should have stayed and suffered through it, no matter how despicable he found it.

 

One other minor point that bothered me was this line:

"Pick these up, and then at least try to act like anything but a savage."

 

It seemed like an awkward statement to me. Something along the lines of:

“Pick these up and please try to act like something other than a savage.”

I don’t know, that’s not very good either, but maybe you see my point. I only picked this line in particular because this is the type of critiques I like to get. I often write something that makes perfect sense to me, no matter how many times I re-read it, only to have the reader say, “What the hell?”

 

I think overall this is very good and I will definitely be looking at the previous chapters to this story.

 

 

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