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What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 4: Protesting Inequity

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novel, fantasy, science fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

June 19, 6:19am

Word Count:

2899

Work Description

This work is archived. This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments.  Why?
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Print WorkPrint as a hatchway swung open. Men, women, and children began shuffling out of the baskets, and lined up on the wooden causeway. They were tired looking, barely able to hold up their heads. Lucian looked hard, but could not find one person among them who looked even remotely healthy. To a one, they were all emaciated and about to fall over.

Mr. Quimby stepped forward and yelled to the workers. "Today we have two visitors from the High House of Parliament. They come to say congratulations on a job well done! Show your appreciation for these gentlemen."

The group clapped half-heartedly. They then shuffled out single file through the corridor to the lift. Another group of workers entered the same way. The two groups passed each other in a slow shamble. The new shift walked to the spheres and climbed in. The grabbed onto handles on the wall and waited as the hatches closed behind them.

"Now, if you'll follow me, sirs," Mr. Quimby turned to go back down the stairs.

"What was that?" Lucian was aghast at what he had just witnessed.

"That, Mr. DeYarrick, is how you are able to make the lights work in your house," said Mr. Lavender.  He obviously sensed his junior colleague's dismay. "That's how the trains run. That's how the navy propels its ships across the oceans. How we move goods, people...civilization all over the globe. That is the backbone of the Loop'd Empire."

"But, children, women..." Lucian struggled to get his words out. "How long do they keep that up?"

"Every shift is twelve hours long," said Mr. Quimby.

"And they're in their for the whole time?"

"No," said Mr. Quimby, "They've a ten minute break to eat and recharge midway through their shifts."

Ten minutes.

"Quimby, Lavender, thank you for this experience," said Lucian. He pushed past the two men and went down the staircase. "I'm afraid I've got to go now."

"The tour's just started," said Mr. Quimby. "Where are you going?"

Lucian turned around, one foot on the bottommost stair. "Why, I am going out to hire some secretaries," he said. "Thank you Mr. Lavender, I've found what interests me beyond all reason."

#

Lucian shook himself from his reverie. Morris was standing next to him, papers in hand.

"What do I do now, sir?" he asked.

"Do what I told you to do before you collided with that fellow, pass them out to the people walking around," said Lucian. He stalked off, leaving Morris standing there.

He approached the group near the fountain. A few more stragglers had joined the group, bringing the number of people up to ten. This isn't a bad turnout, overall. Lucian was not looking to start a revolution today -- he was trying to deliver a message.

"I want to thank you all for coming to help with this demonration today," he said. "It's hard to make a stand against a way of life that is all you've ever known. As dynamos, you have always been downtrodden by the masses. They keep you and your brethren destitute as a means to their own ignoble ends. If we're able to sway the hearts and minds of the populous today, even just a little bit, it would be a small step down the long pathway of true equity."

He jabbed a finger at two of his volunteers. "You and you, come with me."

They went over to his carriage. It was an old-fashioned arrangement, drawn by horses rather than propelled by the modern steam engine that was manipulated by a dynamo driver. Lucian opened up the passenger section and pulled out three overloaded gunny sacks. Metal chinked together as he gave a bag to each of the others. He hefted the last bag over his own shoulder.

They headed back over to the rest of the group. Lucian dumped his bag onto the cobblestones. They were filled with manacles. The insides of the manacles were lined with cork, so as to prevent any unwanted conduction of electricity. The collected dynamos began to

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Discussion

Opening Comments

I have read  your four chapters from start to finish.  I can't say I've read with any great depth, but I can say that in all my years on the internet, I have never read any extended online fiction with such enjoyment.  That's not to say I think these pieces are perfected, but it is to say that you have very nearly excellent poise: the characters, plot and scenario are sufficient to keep me reading.  You would not believe how rare that is -- well done on achieving this for yourself!

Plot

Perhaps the core of my interest lies in the plotting -- but this springs so naturally from your characters that it's hard to  think of them without it, or it without them.  The characters' motivations are  clear and come across very nicely.

I do think you could deepen the characters, though.  Right now they feel generally... well, general.  The down-on-their-luck nobility; the noble savage (dynamo); the alien in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the best drawn is the politician because you chronicle his conversion, but there's still great scope  for adding more finesse.  They  all feel a bit rough-hewn for the moment -- but definitely rough-hewn from good wood.

There is some awkwardness in your use of language sometimes.  More than once I feel as if you are reaching for more words rather than less.  A good hard edit will probably sort all this out.  Turf out the cliches and common phrases. 

Oh, and could I please have a capital D for dynamo? (I know: they're an underclass, but you could sell the capital by saying that they're frightening and powerful and that no matter how people tried to treat them with contempt (slaves) it would be a rare and courageous holy man who did not capitalise "Satan".) (I love the idea of there being children's stories about dynamos... go on!)

Also, in your scene selection, I think when you come to rewrite you should have a very hard think about making your scenes both necessary and as vivid as possible.  To be harsh at my utmost: I didn't feel that your first chapter was necessary (also that the dialogue was really rather laboured in the face of panic); I felt in your second chapter that you were too concerned with the science and computer dialogue as compared to how Mr  Alien felt about hurtling towards a planet that he really wasn't expecting. By the third and fourth chapters however I was just thoroughly enjoying your beautifully complex world -- though, in 'make a scene of it' terms, I think you missed a trick with really showing what happens when an exhausted dynamo is released from the machines?  I really wanted you to turn my stomach to turn with pity, but I don't feel you really took me there in your description.

If you'd like to talk more about this piece, please don't hesitate to email me. 

Have I mentioned enough how much I enjoyed this? I love the world, love the plotlines, love the characters (so much that I only want more and more of them!).

Thank you for this!

 This is my first critique, so be sure to take my words with a grain of salt.

 

I was wary of reading your work, having not read any of the first three chapters, but I was surprised at how quickly, and easily, I was pulled into the story. By missing the earlier parts of the story I’m sure I’ve already missed the physical descriptions of your main characters, but you write your dialog such that it feels very specific to each character. It’s obvious that you put a lot thought into what your characters say, unlike many writers who have all of their characters speak with the same diction. This helps to build upon the initial characteristics which I’m sure were already stated earlier. An added bonus that comes with this is a decrease in the amount of narrative description that has to be done. Personally, I become easily bored with writing that constantly forces visceral character descriptions down my eyes, and that was one of the reasons I could jump into the story so quickly, despite having no clue as to what was going on.

 

To me the most pivotal part of the chapter was the following line:

"Thank you Mr. Lavender, I've found what interests me beyond all reason."

               

My only problem with this line was that if he is going to use his entire political power to fight for this cause, he should at least learn as much about it as possible. If there was more that could be seen and learned as the ‘rest of the tour’ suggested, he should have stayed and suffered through it, no matter how despicable he found it.

 

One other minor point that bothered me was this line:

"Pick these up, and then at least try to act like anything but a savage."

 

It seemed like an awkward statement to me. Something along the lines of:

“Pick these up and please try to act like something other than a savage.”

I don’t know, that’s not very good either, but maybe you see my point. I only picked this line in particular because this is the type of critiques I like to get. I often write something that makes perfect sense to me, no matter how many times I re-read it, only to have the reader say, “What the hell?”

 

I think overall this is very good and I will definitely be looking at the previous chapters to this story.

 

 

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