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What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 4: Protesting Inequity

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novel, fantasy, science fiction
1st
Draft

Published on:

June 19, 6:19am

Word Count:

2899

Work Description

This work is archived. This work is archived and isn't accepting critiques or comments.  Why?
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Print WorkPrint mutter angrily.

"Now I know this looks less than appealing," said Jonas, "but we need to leave an indelible impression in the minds of the people."

"I ain't putting those things on my wrists," said one particularly dirty man.

Lucian picked up a pair. "Look, I'll put them on myself," he said. He quickly snapped the bracelets over both wrists. "I've had a friend specially make these. Just one quick outward twist of the wrists, and you're free." He quickly demonstrated. "If you feel uncomfortable, you're welcome to remove them at any time." He tossed the set over to the dissenter. The man looked them over and then copied Lucian's performance.

"All right, this time I'll do it," he said. "But you better damn well tell us about any jack-foolery before we work for you again."

"You have my word," said Lucian. "Now can we get on with this?"

The protesters put on the shackles, and Lucian threaded a long chain through the center link of each of the manacles. He then slung  it over his shoulder. He looked back at the line of people behind him. "And we're off."

He gave the chain a yank and began walking into the street, snaking through the passers by. 

"Come one, come all," he shouted as they walked, "for I've a truly fascinating wonder for you to see here today. Look closely at these specimens, for they are each and every one precious to us. These are the building blocks of the great empire that we enjoy.

Without each one of these, the likes of you could not enjoy the luxuries of life. Your warm homes, your playhouses and social clubs -- even the light by which you read by late into night -- these amenities are provided by these you see here. And this is how we treat them, as prisoners who are forced to labor for us with little respite for their efforts. See them as they are -- men and women just as you and I, not as tools to be used and discarded like a boot that has a hole in the toe."

Lucian repeated the speech several times as they walked through the crowds. The response to his entreaties was as hostile as ever. He heard jeering and catcalls from several quarters. One man even spat at him. Lucian bore these insults as best he could. No one likes being confronted with their secret guilt, he thought. Give it time.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw two constables approach. One of them reached out and grabbed his shoulder.

"Look here, sir," said the constable, "we've gotten a lot of complaints from people who say you're being a public disturbance. Time you all got yourselves home."

Lucian saw the jig was up. Members of the constabulary had publicly chastised him for his efforts in the past. He had always complied, too, not wanting to push his luck.

Morris, the lout, had seen the constable touch Lucian. He had approached from behind, obviously angry that the police had touched Lucian.

"Take your hands off him," he shouted. Before Lucian could try to stop him, Morris had rushed the officers. He landed a sparking fist on the one who had spoken. The other constable quickly brought his club down on the dynamo's head. When the line of dynamos saw one of theirs being assaulted, they jumped to defend him. The constables realized the gravity of the situation and blew their whistles to summon aid of their own.

 

#

Lucian sat in a fetid cell that matched his mood. All his work for the dynamos' cause was wasted. All because one hothead couldn't keep his head in check. It had been a mistake to bring Morris along, an error he would avoid in the future.

To add insult to injury, the constables' sergeant had not believed that he was a baron of the High House. He had to send a message to his secretaries to get someone who could vouch for him.

The door to

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Discussion

Opening Comments

I have read  your four chapters from start to finish.  I can't say I've read with any great depth, but I can say that in all my years on the internet, I have never read any extended online fiction with such enjoyment.  That's not to say I think these pieces are perfected, but it is to say that you have very nearly excellent poise: the characters, plot and scenario are sufficient to keep me reading.  You would not believe how rare that is -- well done on achieving this for yourself!

Plot

Perhaps the core of my interest lies in the plotting -- but this springs so naturally from your characters that it's hard to  think of them without it, or it without them.  The characters' motivations are  clear and come across very nicely.

I do think you could deepen the characters, though.  Right now they feel generally... well, general.  The down-on-their-luck nobility; the noble savage (dynamo); the alien in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the best drawn is the politician because you chronicle his conversion, but there's still great scope  for adding more finesse.  They  all feel a bit rough-hewn for the moment -- but definitely rough-hewn from good wood.

There is some awkwardness in your use of language sometimes.  More than once I feel as if you are reaching for more words rather than less.  A good hard edit will probably sort all this out.  Turf out the cliches and common phrases. 

Oh, and could I please have a capital D for dynamo? (I know: they're an underclass, but you could sell the capital by saying that they're frightening and powerful and that no matter how people tried to treat them with contempt (slaves) it would be a rare and courageous holy man who did not capitalise "Satan".) (I love the idea of there being children's stories about dynamos... go on!)

Also, in your scene selection, I think when you come to rewrite you should have a very hard think about making your scenes both necessary and as vivid as possible.  To be harsh at my utmost: I didn't feel that your first chapter was necessary (also that the dialogue was really rather laboured in the face of panic); I felt in your second chapter that you were too concerned with the science and computer dialogue as compared to how Mr  Alien felt about hurtling towards a planet that he really wasn't expecting. By the third and fourth chapters however I was just thoroughly enjoying your beautifully complex world -- though, in 'make a scene of it' terms, I think you missed a trick with really showing what happens when an exhausted dynamo is released from the machines?  I really wanted you to turn my stomach to turn with pity, but I don't feel you really took me there in your description.

If you'd like to talk more about this piece, please don't hesitate to email me. 

Have I mentioned enough how much I enjoyed this? I love the world, love the plotlines, love the characters (so much that I only want more and more of them!).

Thank you for this!

 This is my first critique, so be sure to take my words with a grain of salt.

 

I was wary of reading your work, having not read any of the first three chapters, but I was surprised at how quickly, and easily, I was pulled into the story. By missing the earlier parts of the story I’m sure I’ve already missed the physical descriptions of your main characters, but you write your dialog such that it feels very specific to each character. It’s obvious that you put a lot thought into what your characters say, unlike many writers who have all of their characters speak with the same diction. This helps to build upon the initial characteristics which I’m sure were already stated earlier. An added bonus that comes with this is a decrease in the amount of narrative description that has to be done. Personally, I become easily bored with writing that constantly forces visceral character descriptions down my eyes, and that was one of the reasons I could jump into the story so quickly, despite having no clue as to what was going on.

 

To me the most pivotal part of the chapter was the following line:

"Thank you Mr. Lavender, I've found what interests me beyond all reason."

               

My only problem with this line was that if he is going to use his entire political power to fight for this cause, he should at least learn as much about it as possible. If there was more that could be seen and learned as the ‘rest of the tour’ suggested, he should have stayed and suffered through it, no matter how despicable he found it.

 

One other minor point that bothered me was this line:

"Pick these up, and then at least try to act like anything but a savage."

 

It seemed like an awkward statement to me. Something along the lines of:

“Pick these up and please try to act like something other than a savage.”

I don’t know, that’s not very good either, but maybe you see my point. I only picked this line in particular because this is the type of critiques I like to get. I often write something that makes perfect sense to me, no matter how many times I re-read it, only to have the reader say, “What the hell?”

 

I think overall this is very good and I will definitely be looking at the previous chapters to this story.

 

 

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