What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 4: Protesting Inequity
novel, fantasy, science fiction
Published on:
June 19, 6:19amWord Count:
2899Work Description
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the cell's hallway opened, and the jailor came to his cell.
"Time for you to leave," he said. "Someone's vouched for you."
Lucian got his feet and brushed straw off his trousers. About time. "I hope you won't be insulted that I hope never to experience your hospitality again."
The guard snorted. "Not at all. But I must say, jail seems like a good place for some of you politicians."
Lucian nodded as he followed the man down the hallway. "I agree. We seem to do more harm than good most of the time." He was only half joking.
They came out into the foyer of the jail. Lucian balked when he saw Mr. Lavender standing at the desk.
"Got yourself in quite the mess, didn't you?" the older man asked. He had been a vocal opponent to Lucian's attempts at reform, both in the public and political arenas.
"Don't start," Lucian said.
"You two mustn't on the best of terms," observed the guard.
"You could say that," said Jonas. He gathered up his belongings and stalked out.
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This is my first critique, so be sure to take my words with a grain of salt.
I was wary of reading your work, having not read any of the first three chapters, but I was surprised at how quickly, and easily, I was pulled into the story. By missing the earlier parts of the story I’m sure I’ve already missed the physical descriptions of your main characters, but you write your dialog such that it feels very specific to each character. It’s obvious that you put a lot thought into what your characters say, unlike many writers who have all of their characters speak with the same diction. This helps to build upon the initial characteristics which I’m sure were already stated earlier. An added bonus that comes with this is a decrease in the amount of narrative description that has to be done. Personally, I become easily bored with writing that constantly forces visceral character descriptions down my eyes, and that was one of the reasons I could jump into the story so quickly, despite having no clue as to what was going on.
To me the most pivotal part of the chapter was the following line:
"Thank you Mr. Lavender, I've found what interests me beyond all reason."
My only problem with this line was that if he is going to use his entire political power to fight for this cause, he should at least learn as much about it as possible. If there was more that could be seen and learned as the ‘rest of the tour’ suggested, he should have stayed and suffered through it, no matter how despicable he found it.
One other minor point that bothered me was this line:
"Pick these up, and then at least try to act like anything but a savage."
It seemed like an awkward statement to me. Something along the lines of:
“Pick these up and please try to act like something other than a savage.”
I don’t know, that’s not very good either, but maybe you see my point. I only picked this line in particular because this is the type of critiques I like to get. I often write something that makes perfect sense to me, no matter how many times I re-read it, only to have the reader say, “What the hell?”
I think overall this is very good and I will definitely be looking at the previous chapters to this story.
I have read your four chapters from start to finish. I can't say I've read with any great depth, but I can say that in all my years on the internet, I have never read any extended online fiction with such enjoyment. That's not to say I think these pieces are perfected, but it is to say that you have very nearly excellent poise: the characters, plot and scenario are sufficient to keep me reading. You would not believe how rare that is -- well done on achieving this for yourself!
Perhaps the core of my interest lies in the plotting -- but this springs so naturally from your characters that it's hard to think of them without it, or it without them. The characters' motivations are clear and come across very nicely.
I do think you could deepen the characters, though. Right now they feel generally... well, general. The down-on-their-luck nobility; the noble savage (dynamo); the alien in the wrong place at the wrong time. I think the best drawn is the politician because you chronicle his conversion, but there's still great scope for adding more finesse. They all feel a bit rough-hewn for the moment -- but definitely rough-hewn from good wood.
There is some awkwardness in your use of language sometimes. More than once I feel as if you are reaching for more words rather than less. A good hard edit will probably sort all this out. Turf out the cliches and common phrases.
Oh, and could I please have a capital D for dynamo? (I know: they're an underclass, but you could sell the capital by saying that they're frightening and powerful and that no matter how people tried to treat them with contempt (slaves) it would be a rare and courageous holy man who did not capitalise "Satan".) (I love the idea of there being children's stories about dynamos... go on!)
Also, in your scene selection, I think when you come to rewrite you should have a very hard think about making your scenes both necessary and as vivid as possible. To be harsh at my utmost: I didn't feel that your first chapter was necessary (also that the dialogue was really rather laboured in the face of panic); I felt in your second chapter that you were too concerned with the science and computer dialogue as compared to how Mr Alien felt about hurtling towards a planet that he really wasn't expecting. By the third and fourth chapters however I was just thoroughly enjoying your beautifully complex world -- though, in 'make a scene of it' terms, I think you missed a trick with really showing what happens when an exhausted dynamo is released from the machines? I really wanted you to turn my stomach to turn with pity, but I don't feel you really took me there in your description.
If you'd like to talk more about this piece, please don't hesitate to email me.
Have I mentioned enough how much I enjoyed this? I love the world, love the plotlines, love the characters (so much that I only want more and more of them!).
Thank you for this!