What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 5: The Gloriana
fantasy, science fiction, novel
Published on:
August 11, 8:27amWord Count:
2854Work Description
Chapter Description
Jonas travels to Garrison and finds the Gloriana.
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Jonas climbed the stairs to his flat as the sun was setting and tried to open the door. The knob turned but the door would not swing open. Jemima must have wedged one of the chairs under the door knob. She had taken him too seriously earlier. He rapped on the door.
"All right, Jemima you win," he said. "Let me in."
"Say it!"
He sighed. "I'm sorry for saying that you were bony."
"Are you really?"
"Yes, I am. It was in poor taste," he said. "Now let me in. I've got important news to tell you."
There was a scraping sound, and then she opened the door.
"What is it?" she said.
"Is mother awake? I want to tell you at the same time," he said, entering.
"I'm awake," said Mrs. Cuthbert. She was sitting at the table, a bottle of cheap wine in front of her. She must not have been awake to long though, since the bottle was still mostly full.
"I've incredibly good news," he said. "After this assignment, the debt will be paid."
"Oh, Jonas! That's wonderful," said Jemima. "What'll you be doing?"
"I go to Garrison tomorrow to crew a submersible," he said. "They're sending out a group to try and find the thing that caused the flooding, and they want me to power the ship."
Mrs. Cuthbert leaned forward with worry written across her face. "Are we going to have to leave here?" The prospect of another move so quickly was an obvious worry to her.
"No, actually I was able to work out a deal with the Assignment Board," he said. "You two can stay here in the flat until I get back. After that, we can find a place to stay together. And then we won't have to worry about moving again."
"It's about time," said Jemima. "You've done this long enough."
Jonas shook his head. "Not really, I'm afraid--twelve years is nothing compared to what some of the other dynamos have done. I know some men and women who've been stuck in the power plants since they were children and now they're older than me."
"But you've pushed harder than most," said Jemima. "I thought that you'd be done sooner."
"Remember though, we couldn't raise enough joules to cover the debt even by selling the estates," said Jonas. "If I'd gone at a standard output rate, you'd be an old maid before it was all paid off."
"Stop!" Mrs. Cuthbert slammed her cup down on the table. "I can't bear to hear you two talking like this. It's just, it's just..." She trailed off, emotion overwhelming her.
Jonas moved to his mother's side and kissed her on the top of the head. "I'm sorry, mother. I thought this news would excite you."
"Just, go pack, or whatever..." their mother put her head down on the table. Jonas stood beside her for a moment more. I wish this could be different. He then moved through the door, Jemima following him and closing it. She crossed over to the bed and sat down.
"Are you two going to be all right while I'm gone?" Jonas bent over and pulled out a small traveling satchel.
Jemima waved a hand vaguely, a look of irritation crossing her face. "Of course we will. We were doing just fine by ourselves in Haggeston when you were working here. I don't really see how this will be any different."
Jonas nodded toward the door to the other room. "Well, she's not at her best at the moment."
"She's never at her 'best,' Jonas. You just haven't spent much time around her."
"I guess that's true," he said.
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I'm editing this as I read, so I'll save the praise for the end.
Try a period or a comma at the end of Jemima.
Out of where? From under the bed?
i think you mean she squeezed his hand.
something about this sentence doesn;t sound right. If a street dead-ends, then it has nowhere else to go. It can't dead-end into another street. I see what you're saying, but you might want to pick a different way to describe it.
Too many -ness words. It makes it seem too repetative. Maybe replace abruptness with abrubt nature. Having two sound-alike words close together isn't bad, but I personally try to stay away from three-of-a-kinds. I don't know, maybe it's just my own personal preference.
It seems like you changed your mind about what you were going to say when you wrote "made distinguished it". Maybe you forgot to delete "made"
The military in your world may be different from ours. If so, then ignore my proffesional advice. You will never find marines standing watch on docks. While the Corp and the Navy are close-knit, the marines only embark ships when they go out to see, and never stay onboard while in home port. They also don't stand watches while onboard. They actually don't do much of ANYTHING while onboard. I don't know if you're looking to make this military-correct, so if you aren't, just discard my advice.
okay, is the Gloriana a civvy vessel, or a military vessel. If its military, there is no way any navy captian would give command of thier ship to civilians. But embarking on civilian-oriented missions is not unheard of. If its a military ship, the crew will stay onboard and allow the civilians to embark using seperate quarters. Again, just some professional advice.
just a minor spelling error.
Now there's a something a little closer to home. This man is known as the Chief of Engineers, commonly referred to as the Cheng. You will usually find him hanging out in his stateroom underway, or running things in the Log Room (basically, the engineering office, nowhere near the actual engines). You will NEVER find him in the actual engine rooms unless there is a good reason. If you have any questions regarding the lives and jobs of naval engineers, give me a holler, and I'll be happy to provide some reference.
Oh my God. That sounds just like my boss. "I don't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done!" Hit the nail on the head with that one.
Great story. It has an excellent flow and is well worded. It keeps a low pace, but isn't slow enough to discourage the reader from reading. I'm a little confused on the concept of a dynamo. Perhaps I missed a description in on of the earlier chapters...Anyways, the character is certianly likable. He's got a bit of a clumsy quality to him that makes him endearing. Keep up the excellent work.