What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 5: The Gloriana
fantasy, science fiction, novel
Published on:
Aug. 11, 2008, 8:27amWord Count:
2854Work Description
Chapter Description
Jonas travels to Garrison and finds the Gloriana.
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He stood up and crossed over to the bed. He sat down next to her
and put her arms around her shoulder. "I promise to be around more
after this last job."
She punched him lightly in the ribs. "Keep saying that, and we'll actually hold you to it."
He grimaced a little, just to keep up the playfulness. "Who knows? It actually might be fun. Now, if you could give a fellow some privacy so he could change out of his nice clothes? I've got to catch the train to Garrison tonight."
She stood up and squeezed his home. "Really though, Jonas, it'll be nice to have you home." With that, she left him to change and pack in solitude.
#
Sleep had not been a faithful companion the night before. Jonas had never slept well in trains before, and this latest journey had been particularly unpleasant. The nights were starting to feel the chill of autumn, and the open-air dynamo car had let the cold in unobstructed. Of course, the wind generated by the train's movement only added to the misery of the experience.
Jonas was glad to clamber out of the car onto the platform. There was a fire pit in the middle of the terminal, smoking and sputtering invitingly. He walked over and held his hands out to the lush warmth. They should put one of these in the middle of the train car. It exhausted a great deal of willpower, but he was able to pull himself away from the fire pit and exit the train station.
The byways of Garrison were unfamiliar to him. He had spent much of his childhood in the capital. His family had never holidayed at the beaches which drew most of the town's tourists. His father, despite his numerous foibles, had been a vociferous opponent of the expansion of the military. Jonas remembered dimly hearing his father arguing with many of his peers in the government. The idea that he should spend any time in a town built around the navy must have been anathema to the elder Mr. Cuthbert. That had been before the gambling and alcoholism had consumed him. As he stood in the streets of the small town, Jonas was hit with a sudden thought. Maybe father turned to his vices because he lost his battles.
The concept was a new one to Jonas. He had always struggled to understand why his father had been so lackadaisical. The idea that it his actions were perhaps out of defeat cast the man's life in a different light. I'll have to ask mother about that when I return.
As he stood, a well appointed steam-driven carriage stopped at the curb just feet from Jonas. A sleek aristocratic couple stepped out of the vehicle, engaged in a stream of self-absorbed tittle-tattle. Jonas saw his chance. He quickly walked to the front of the carriage. The dynamo driver sat slumped in his seat, drinking from a bottle. He still wore the driver's glove on his left hand, so it was likely that he would be leaving quickly. Best ask him quickly. Jonas rapped on the carriage's side to attract his attention. The driver sat up guiltily and then saw who had disturbed him. He slumped back again and glared at Jonas.
"Oy, what do you want?"
"I need to get to the Navy's dockyards," said Jonas. He dug in his pocket and found a coin. "Half a joule if you can point me in the right way."
The driver motioned for the money, and Jonas flicked it up to him. The driver squinted in the morning sunlight. Apparently satisfied with the minting and metal, he sniffed and pointed off to his right. The road descended steeply.
"Go down that street till it dead ends into another. Turn left and follow that road till you get to the gates. Can't miss it."
Jonas touched the brim of his floppy cap. "Thanks to you sir."
The driver harrumphed and shot electricity from the right hand into the glove on
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I'm editing this as I read, so I'll save the praise for the end.
Try a period or a comma at the end of Jemima.
Out of where? From under the bed?
i think you mean she squeezed his hand.
something about this sentence doesn;t sound right. If a street dead-ends, then it has nowhere else to go. It can't dead-end into another street. I see what you're saying, but you might want to pick a different way to describe it.
Too many -ness words. It makes it seem too repetative. Maybe replace abruptness with abrubt nature. Having two sound-alike words close together isn't bad, but I personally try to stay away from three-of-a-kinds. I don't know, maybe it's just my own personal preference.
It seems like you changed your mind about what you were going to say when you wrote "made distinguished it". Maybe you forgot to delete "made"
The military in your world may be different from ours. If so, then ignore my proffesional advice. You will never find marines standing watch on docks. While the Corp and the Navy are close-knit, the marines only embark ships when they go out to see, and never stay onboard while in home port. They also don't stand watches while onboard. They actually don't do much of ANYTHING while onboard. I don't know if you're looking to make this military-correct, so if you aren't, just discard my advice.
okay, is the Gloriana a civvy vessel, or a military vessel. If its military, there is no way any navy captian would give command of thier ship to civilians. But embarking on civilian-oriented missions is not unheard of. If its a military ship, the crew will stay onboard and allow the civilians to embark using seperate quarters. Again, just some professional advice.
just a minor spelling error.
Now there's a something a little closer to home. This man is known as the Chief of Engineers, commonly referred to as the Cheng. You will usually find him hanging out in his stateroom underway, or running things in the Log Room (basically, the engineering office, nowhere near the actual engines). You will NEVER find him in the actual engine rooms unless there is a good reason. If you have any questions regarding the lives and jobs of naval engineers, give me a holler, and I'll be happy to provide some reference.
Oh my God. That sounds just like my boss. "I don't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done!" Hit the nail on the head with that one.
Great story. It has an excellent flow and is well worded. It keeps a low pace, but isn't slow enough to discourage the reader from reading. I'm a little confused on the concept of a dynamo. Perhaps I missed a description in on of the earlier chapters...Anyways, the character is certianly likable. He's got a bit of a clumsy quality to him that makes him endearing. Keep up the excellent work.