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What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 5: The Gloriana

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fantasy, science fiction, novel
1st
Draft

Published on:

Aug. 11, 2008, 8:27am

Word Count:

2854

Work Description

Chapter Description

Jonas travels to Garrison and finds the Gloriana.

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Print WorkPrint the left. He disengaged the brake and rattled away from Jonas. Jonas was at first irked by the man's abruptness, but shrugged it off as early morning grumpiness.

Despite the man's moodiness, Jonas could find no fault with his directions. He walked down the steep road, taking in the structures of the city. Architecturally, Garrison was typical throughout the Loop'd Empire. Proximity to both the ocean and to Haggeston made distinguished it as an ideal home for the navy.

Just as the man had said, the first road met a second running perpendicular. Jonas followed this road all the way to the gates of the Imperial Shipyards. Two marines stood on duty, one on each side of the large wrought-iron gate. Jonas walked up to the one nearer to him.

"Excuse me, sir, but I have orders to go to the Gloriana."

The guard squinted at him, his suspicion obvious. "Let me see your papers." Jonas pulled them out and held them out to the marine. He opened them and read the orders from the assignment board quickly. "These aren't from any navy captain."

Jonas nodded. "Yes, sir, they're not. From what I understand, the Gloriana is going on an expedition run by civilians and they want a civilian dynamo aboard.

The soldier rubbed his chin. "This is highly irregular. Wait here." He went into a guardhouse that stood nearby. Jonas stood in front of the gate for several minutes, fidgeting by shooting electricity in the ladder motif. It had not occurred to him that the navy would be uncooperative. He had heard rumors about their need for clear channels of command, but hand thought his orders would be sufficient for them. He was so preoccupied with this worries that he did not notice the returning guard until the man spoke.

"It seems everything is in order, but you'll have to wait for an escort from the vessel to arrive."

"Why's that?"

The guard shot him a withering look. "Civilians aren't just allowed to wander about willy-nilly." Jonas saw that the guard would not tolerate any more questions, so he leaned against the bars to wait. Fortunately the intermediate period did not drag on too long. A tall uniformed man approached the gate from the opposite side. He had a slightly plain, but still agreeable, face. His hair was cut close to the head, but was just long enough for gray to appear around his temples. The marine saluted crisply, and the man returned the gesture with a no-nonsense professionalism.

"I'm here to take Jonas Cuthbert to the Gloriana."

Jonas straightened up and waved his hand. "That's me..." He trailed off awkwardly. "I'm sorry, I've no idea what your rank is."

The other man chuckled. "I'm a lieutenant. Lieutenant Briarson, to be precise. I'm in charge of the engineering section, so you'll see a lot of me." He motioned impatiently to the marine. "Get the door open, we don't have all day!"

The guard complied and Jonas hurried through. As they walked away, Briarson swore under his breath. "The ass."

Jonas looked over at the lieutenant. "I'm sorry?"

"Oh, nothing to worry yourself about," said Briarson. "The marine knew to let you through. It's been posted in his guardhouse since yesterday. He just called me to be difficult."

"Why's that?" Jonas was confused.

"They don't like the fact that we're having a bunch of civilians on this fleet. I couldn't care less, honestly. If you're the man for the job, you're the man for the job. But some military men think that only those in uniform are really worth their salt. But me, I don't care. Just as long as someone gets the job done, the outfit doesn't really matter."

Jonas was quiet as they walked. He had experienced that kind of negativity before, so it was not a terrible surprise. The aristocracy treated their servants, both dynamos and regular humans, with diffidence. The remark stung him, though.

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Discussion

 I'm editing this as I read, so I'll save the praise for the end.

"All right, Jemima you win,"

Try a period or a comma at the end of Jemima.

Jonas bent over and pulled out a small traveling satchel.

Out of where? From under the bed?

She stood up and squeezed his home

i think you mean she squeezed his hand.

Go down that street till it dead ends into another.

something about this sentence doesn;t sound right. If a street dead-ends, then it has nowhere else to go. It can't dead-end into another street. I see what you're saying, but you might want to pick a different way to describe it.

Jonas was at first irked by the man's abruptness, but shrugged it off as early morning grumpiness. Despite the man's moodiness,

Too many -ness words. It makes it seem too repetative. Maybe replace abruptness with abrubt nature. Having two sound-alike words close together isn't bad, but I personally try to stay away from three-of-a-kinds. I don't know, maybe it's just my own personal preference.

Proximity to both the ocean and to Haggeston made distinguished it as an ideal home for the navy.

It seems like you changed your mind about what you were going to say when you wrote "made distinguished it". Maybe you forgot to delete "made"

Two marines stood on duty

The military in your world may be different from ours. If so, then ignore my proffesional advice. You will never find marines standing watch on docks. While the Corp and the Navy are close-knit, the marines only embark ships when they go out to see, and never stay onboard while in home port. They also don't stand watches while onboard. They actually don't do much of ANYTHING while onboard. I don't know if you're looking to make this military-correct, so if you aren't, just discard my advice.

From what I understand, the Gloriana is going on an expedition run by civilians and they want a civilian dynamo aboard.

okay, is the Gloriana a civvy vessel, or a military vessel. If its military, there is no way any navy captian would give command of thier ship to civilians. But embarking on civilian-oriented missions is not unheard of. If its a military ship, the crew will stay onboard and allow the civilians to embark using seperate quarters. Again, just some professional advice.

channels of command, but hand thought

just a minor spelling error.

"I'm a lieutenant. Lieutenant Briarson, to be precise. I'm in charge of the engineering section, so you'll see a lot of me."

Now there's a something a little closer to home. This man is known as the Chief of Engineers, commonly referred to as the Cheng. You will usually find him hanging out in his stateroom underway, or running things in the Log Room (basically, the engineering office, nowhere near the actual engines). You will NEVER find him in the actual engine rooms unless there is a good reason. If you have any questions regarding the lives and jobs of naval engineers, give me a holler, and I'll be happy to provide some reference.

But me, I don't care. Just as long as someone gets the job done, the outfit doesn't really matter.

Oh my God. That sounds just like my boss. "I don't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done!" Hit the nail on the head with that one.

Great story. It has an excellent flow and is well worded. It keeps a low pace, but isn't slow enough to discourage the reader from reading. I'm a little confused on the concept of a dynamo. Perhaps I missed a description in on of the earlier chapters...Anyways, the character is certianly likable. He's got a bit of a clumsy quality to him that makes him endearing. Keep up the excellent work.

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