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What Fell From Heaven, Chapter 5: The Gloriana

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fantasy, science fiction, novel
1st
Draft

Published on:

Aug. 11, 2008, 8:27am

Word Count:

2854

Work Description

Chapter Description

Jonas travels to Garrison and finds the Gloriana.

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Print WorkPrint They passed several ships of varying size and design. Jonas pushed back his bitterness and allowed awe to roll over him. He grabbed Briarson's arm to get his attention. "What are these different kinds of boats?"

The lieutenant chuckled. "Ships, my boy, they're called ships." He began pointing them out. "Those big ones are dreadnoughts. They're primarily used for troop transport and for major expeditions."

"Why aren't we using one of those for our expedition instead of the Gloriana?"

Briarson sighed. "Well, the navy sent out one already to see what they could find at the object's crash site. Unfortunately, it seems to be completely under water. The only way to access it is with a submersible. The scientists will use diving suits to go out and conduct their research." He pointed. "See that vessel sitting low in the water? She's the Gloriana: the crown jewel of Her Majesty's submersible fleet."

Jonas followed the line created by Briarson's finger and terminated in a ship just slightly ahead of them and to their left. It was a long, thin vessel that appeared to be nothing more than a glorified metal tube. Two towers jutted from the dorsal region of the ship. The first was small, only large enough for a man to stand in. The second dwarfed the first, and Jonas could see several men climbing around the top of it. One man was actually climbing down a ladder built into the side of the tower. In front of these two towers was a huge section that was plated with enormously thick glass. Jonas could not see how large this enclosure was, but he assumed it was rather large because he could see light shining out from underneath the water as they drew closer to the vessel.

The Gloriana was not at all what Jonas had expected, and his dismay must have shown on his face. Briarson chuckled deep in his throat.

"What, were you expecting something pretty to look at?"

Jonas glanced at him and shrugged. "I suppose so. The only boats I've ever really seen have been pleasure yachts and river barges. I guess I was thinking this crown jewel would have a bit more luster about it."

Briarson stepped in front of Jonas and affected an offended look. "Mr. Cuthbert, you cut me to the quick! The Gloriana may lack for aesthetics, but she has many fine qualities that any submariner can admire. She's fast, quiet, and can dive to a depth of five hundred feet! She can sneak up on any enemy without them even knowing that she's lurking down below. Come on, let's get you below."

They walked toward the ship briskly and crossed over a narrow bridge. Jonas felt a knot of fear constrict in his throat as he stepped onto the hull. It sloped sharply and there was nothing to prevent a person from falling into the frigid water. The lieutenant took him gently by the arm.

"It's only a few steps, and then we'll be going inside." Jonas nodded, pushing his fear as far as he could into the recesses of his mind. They crossed the short distance at a hesitant, careful pace and then descended into the bowels of the ship.

If the ship had seemed narrow as they stood on the pier, Jonas was shocked to find how constricting the inside of the Gloriana actually was. The sailors constantly were contorting out of each other's way as they walked down the corridors. Jonas, who was far from tall, had to stoop every time they came to a doorway to keep from banging his head into the iron lintel. He also had to lift his feet like a heron to keep from tripping. There was also a smell to the confined space. It was the ripe odor of too many perspiring bodies close together. Jonas, used to the open spaces of the electrical plants, found the environment overwhelmingly dismal.

Briarson led him down several halls and into a room that contained cots stacked from floor to ceiling. He leaned up against the left wall and placed a hand on

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Discussion

 I'm editing this as I read, so I'll save the praise for the end.

"All right, Jemima you win,"

Try a period or a comma at the end of Jemima.

Jonas bent over and pulled out a small traveling satchel.

Out of where? From under the bed?

She stood up and squeezed his home

i think you mean she squeezed his hand.

Go down that street till it dead ends into another.

something about this sentence doesn;t sound right. If a street dead-ends, then it has nowhere else to go. It can't dead-end into another street. I see what you're saying, but you might want to pick a different way to describe it.

Jonas was at first irked by the man's abruptness, but shrugged it off as early morning grumpiness. Despite the man's moodiness,

Too many -ness words. It makes it seem too repetative. Maybe replace abruptness with abrubt nature. Having two sound-alike words close together isn't bad, but I personally try to stay away from three-of-a-kinds. I don't know, maybe it's just my own personal preference.

Proximity to both the ocean and to Haggeston made distinguished it as an ideal home for the navy.

It seems like you changed your mind about what you were going to say when you wrote "made distinguished it". Maybe you forgot to delete "made"

Two marines stood on duty

The military in your world may be different from ours. If so, then ignore my proffesional advice. You will never find marines standing watch on docks. While the Corp and the Navy are close-knit, the marines only embark ships when they go out to see, and never stay onboard while in home port. They also don't stand watches while onboard. They actually don't do much of ANYTHING while onboard. I don't know if you're looking to make this military-correct, so if you aren't, just discard my advice.

From what I understand, the Gloriana is going on an expedition run by civilians and they want a civilian dynamo aboard.

okay, is the Gloriana a civvy vessel, or a military vessel. If its military, there is no way any navy captian would give command of thier ship to civilians. But embarking on civilian-oriented missions is not unheard of. If its a military ship, the crew will stay onboard and allow the civilians to embark using seperate quarters. Again, just some professional advice.

channels of command, but hand thought

just a minor spelling error.

"I'm a lieutenant. Lieutenant Briarson, to be precise. I'm in charge of the engineering section, so you'll see a lot of me."

Now there's a something a little closer to home. This man is known as the Chief of Engineers, commonly referred to as the Cheng. You will usually find him hanging out in his stateroom underway, or running things in the Log Room (basically, the engineering office, nowhere near the actual engines). You will NEVER find him in the actual engine rooms unless there is a good reason. If you have any questions regarding the lives and jobs of naval engineers, give me a holler, and I'll be happy to provide some reference.

But me, I don't care. Just as long as someone gets the job done, the outfit doesn't really matter.

Oh my God. That sounds just like my boss. "I don't care how it gets done, as long as it gets done!" Hit the nail on the head with that one.

Great story. It has an excellent flow and is well worded. It keeps a low pace, but isn't slow enough to discourage the reader from reading. I'm a little confused on the concept of a dynamo. Perhaps I missed a description in on of the earlier chapters...Anyways, the character is certianly likable. He's got a bit of a clumsy quality to him that makes him endearing. Keep up the excellent work.

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