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Clarity

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hiaku., poem
1st
Draft

Published on:

May 19, 11:21pm

Word Count:

37

Work Description

A Hiaku form of poem.

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Clarity

A purposeful life
with a lucid perspective
entails clear vision.

Obstacles that stop
meeting the goals, can get past
by mighty insight.

To gain clarity
in thoughts, choices and approach
takes lot of efforts.

Jaya H.

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Discussion

 I don't know much about poetry and even less about haiku, but I liked reading the work you did here.

And I don't think it's easy to write in the Haiku 5/7/5 rhythm so I applaud your effort.

I would like to suggest, however, that you look at the last line one more time.  While the rhythm is good the English is off.

                                                      takes lot of efforts.
 

you could try         takes a lot of effort. 

                                             but it messes up the rhythm.

You're an excellent poet, so I'm sure you'll come up with something!

A purposeful life
with a lucid perspective
entails clear vision. 

I felt the first stanza was by far your strongest. Its succinct, and it flows well. I especially liked the use of the phrase 'lucid perspective' to illustrate the point that clear vision requires the ability to shift one's focus smootly from one thing to another.

Obstacles that stop
meeting the goals, can get past
by mighty insight.
 

 

The second stanza is much weaker, especially the second line. The comma splice reads haltingly and sounds clumsy, as if you were more concerned with reaching seven syllables than with maintaining rythym. However, I did enjoy the imagery of the 'mighty insight' being used to force obstacles out of the way.

As an alternative:

Obstacles impede
barring the way; avoided

 with mighty insight.

 

The first two lines of the third stanza flow nicely but, as pointed out above, the last line interrupts the flow in addition to being an example of bad grammar.

As an alternative:

To gain clarity
in thoughts, choices and approach

takes great discipline

All in all I enjoyed your work and I think it can be very good poem with a little tweaking of words to maintain a consistent rythym within each stanza.

 I liked it. Short and sweet.

but for the "effort" bit, instead of

take lot of efforts

try takes lots of effort.

 

:]

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