In a few verses you have described some of the worst embarrassment possible.  Also the dreariness of trying to pick up strangers.

Ha, I really liked it. Such a short poem with a great plot.

 OK, this was the very first critique I wrote, before I knew how the site worked and the rules. I'm glad we can edit our critiques, because I reallliked this and want to spend a bit more time on it.

Have you studied poetry or music? I ask because it seems to me that people who have studied either tend to fall into a breezy, natural rhythm that makes you want to read the poem again and again - even when not consciously trying to use blank verse, every line falls perfectly in sync. That is a wonderful talent.

I adore irony when used in the subtle way you have employed it here. Irony is tougher to pull off than most people realize and you have handled it deftly in this short piece. Great job!

 He had to find out just
Of the feelings she had implored

Is there a word missing? It just doesn't make sense to me. I known intuitively what you are saying, but it is not clearly expressed. That is the only technical issue with the whole thing.

Your use of the word "sexist" in the last stanza made me completely unsympathetic to the guy's embarrassment. If that was your intent, then he got what he deserved.

If you would permit me to offer a couple of suggestions? Remember this may just be a personal preference, but I think you could tighten it up a bit and make it even better. That's just my opinion though, so take it as you wish.

In the second stanza, second line, if you replace 'find out more' with discern, it would improve the tempo. Also, IMO, 'somehow' sounds better to my own ear than 'some way'. I'm not sure why.

Although 'implored' sounds like a good word (it is, just not here), I'm not sure that's what you want to say. Because it means to beg urgently or piteously, as for aid or mercy, coupled with her response at the end, I just don't see her doing that from across the room. Did you mean some synonym for the word 'arroused'? Such as incited, impelled, induced, stirred, quickened, (more suggestions here: http://thesaurus.reference.com/search?r=20&q=arouse)

Sometimes I will spend several minutes trying to pick out the precise word to convey my meaning in exactly the way I intend. I think it's worth the extra time, but that's just me.

Another great tool I use is http://rhyme.poetry.com/

I hope this helps. 

 Wow i love it! its so true w. us girls, we never get the guy we want, but good work!

           This has been the terror that every  boy, guy and man has felt atleast once if not more in their life. That's one of the biggest reason I feel they don't like to aproach us women..the fear of rejection.    This is GOOD...

Very nice. I love the sudden change of tone in the last verse; it really gives an edge to the final line.

The first verse looks slightly odd, with one less line than the other two, but I don't think it makes any impact on the content, and it's probably just me being fussy.

At any rate, it's a great poem, and it does a fantastic job of conveying one of the most embarassing scenes for young people. Congratulations! Keep up the good work.

This has promise. The idea is there and is solid and comes across well, but your wording and meter is lacking.

Two strangers lock their gaze, / Their lust for one another / Instantaneously blaze

"Instantaneously blaze" is grammatically incorrect. To fix that, it's easy to say "Two strangers lock their gazes, / Their lust for one another / Instantaneously blazes".

No knowledge of her name / Some way he had to find out more, / He had to find out just / Of the feelings she had implored

"Some way he had to find out more" throws off the rhythmic pattern that you have been building entirely. Ending a line with "just" is very weak and abrupt, even if it is meant to wrap down to the next line. Try to find a way to word this differently, so that the break is smooth and easily read.

Fearlessly he strolls over / In his sexiest voice he says "hi" / She begins to talk and says / "I was looking at that other guy"

Again, rhythm. Also, the way you word this is weak and feels a little childish. "Sexiest voice" is a bit of a cliche, even if that is what you were aiming for. "She begins to talk and says" is redundant and just filler for the line until the punchline. You have to make every word count.

So, yeah. It definitely isn't terrible, because the idea has promise. Just try to find the best words for the situation you are addressing.

I agree for the most part with Circus. The poem has promise, but could use some cleaning up meter wise. There are some phrases that trip the tongue and could be better said by not saying anything at all.

Two strangers lock their gaze,
Their lust for one another
Instantaneously blaze

Not entirely bad, though it feels as if the second line is doing twice as much work as the other two. Say it aloud. Saying “Their lust for one another” as a lot of hard dental (tongue on teeth) action compared to the other two lines.

Since you already imply that they are the two in question in the first line, why not just drop “for one another” and bring up instantaneously as a modifier for lust, and not blaze: I.e

Two Strangers lock their gaze,

Their lust Instantaneous,

Blaze

No knowledge of her name
Some way he had to find out more,
He had to find out just
Of the feelings she had implored

I think this is the weakest phrase of the poem and you could have the same strength of imagery if you lost it all together. It serves nothing but to reaffirm things that we already have come to the conclusion on,

Fearlessly he strolls over
In his sexiest voice he says "hi"
She begins to talk and says
"I was looking at that other guy"

This last phrase, it starts great, and it ends great. The middle.. Doesn’t seem to fit the poem. The words “in his sexiest voice he says” and “she begins to talk and says” both ruin the mood. Much like how you cant get away saying that in prose fiction, you cant with poetry unless you have a great reason to. Why not describe what exactly makes a voice sexy, and explain her reaction the same way.

 hello jenny-

i really liked this poem because in a few short verses, you captured a majorly embarrassing moment for a lot of people!! a couple things though--

in the third stanza:

He had to find out just

Of the feelings she had implored

is very confusing- i think it is missing a word or two!  we the reader, get the general jist of it, but for clarity's sake, that section should be revised

also-- if the woman was looking at some other guy, why would

their lust for one another

instantaneously blaze

??????? because her lust would not be for him, but for the other guy.

the meter bothered me a little- it is uneven between stanzas (some have a different rhythym than others) and i think that for flow and readability and natural sound that you should edit this.  try this: read the poem slowly out loud to your self, focusing on the syllables in each line. try and pick out the spots where it sounds choppy, and round them out a little

one last thing-- and this is just me being detailed and picky  -- the first stanza should have 3 lines if the other stanzas do but maybe im crazy

~Fainne

ps: read and critique my poem: Lost Sister  and my other works: Chronicles of Odralon (prologue only) and Island Conspiracy (porlogue, chapters 1+2 with #3 coming soon)  !!! and let me know what you think!

 I was going to write a critique on this poem, because poetry is what I have done since I was ten and believe me that's a few decades ago. However, nothing I have to say ...says it any better than the other critiques already posted. So instead I decided to write a comment.

The concept so simple and concise next to such a complex and seemingly steep mountain to cross. Strengthen that meter and vocabulary choices and the teenagers will be passing this one around in highschool. (C'mon, we all know that's the highest compliment of all when the highschoolers are writing and rewriting your poetry in their "notes" book and passing it to each other between classes). Maybe not something we admit in public, but definitely makes us smile inside.

Loved it! LOL

 Hi,

You have written a short , realistic poem.

A good read,

Jaya H.

This was a good plot, short and sweet. The pacing was good, the first stanza was my favorite.  The second and third I felt lost the flow a little bit and maybe the wording was a little confusing. But it was funny and made me smile