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L.N.S.A, Chapter 1: So It Begins

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alma, sin, los nino, military, thriller, fiction, jesse, lnsa
1st
Draft

Published on:

Mar. 30, 2008, 6:14am

Word Count:

3889

Last Edited:

Mar. 30, 2008, 6:29am

Work Description

They were believe to be dead, but how wrong they were. Now the group known as the Los Nino’s Sin Alma ( The Children Without Souls) have one thing in mind, the total demise of every living thing.

Chapter Description

They were believe to be dead, but how wrong they were.

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Chapter: 1
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Print WorkPrint they proudly relish) were on the case to solve the problem.

 

"The system isn’t allowing me to connect with the server," the voice of a middle- aged Tech Rat called out. "It keeps throwing me back out."

 

"I’m having the same problem. It’s like it doesn’t even recognize us anymore." Another answered back.

 

"Just relax, people, stay calm. If we can’t get in the front door, then we’ll have to try the back." Patrick Ripley, The man trying to rally his troops, was the leader of this rat pack. For a man in his mid-forties, Ripley didn’t seem to show it, he had the spirit of young man, and the face to go with it.

 

Nina had developed a strong friendship with Ripley. For the past year they’ve been together on the base. Like it or not, she had to admit that Ripley made her life more enjoyable and less stressful living in the cage they called home. There was something about his attitude towards life and his witty charm that attracted her. He was someone she could picture herself with, spending the rest of their lives together, abandoning the dark life she had before. But, for someone like her, settling down was hard to see, it was like the old saying, " Once a killer, always a killer."

 

"If that doesn’t work," Ripley prepared to motivate his crew, " then we'll just storm the castle by brute force. "

 

" That’s what I’m talking about, hell yeah!." Each Tech Rat had a smile on their face, after hearing the leader call for brute force, as the last resort to this issues. And couldn’t help keep their emotions inside.

 

Nina couldn’t stop staring at Ripley. She was in love with him, no matter how much she tried to fight those feelings. Sadly, her daydream of a perfect life would be cut short, as her radio crackled to life.

 

"Nina, pick up."

 

Nina: I’m here.

 

Ruzo: Nina, where are you?

 

Nina: I’m in the commanded center, monitoring the situation of the sudden alarms.

 

Ruzo: Well, you better haul ass to the Situation Room, right away.

 

Nina: The Situation Room?

 

Ruzo: Yup, the General pulled everyone here out of the blue.

 

Nina: What for?

 

Ruzo: Beats me.

 

Nina: I’m heading over there now.

 

"A girl’s day is never done," Nina muttered as she left the room.

 

Situation Room

4:05 A.M

 

The Situation Room, was the most neutral and highly protected part of the facility. It was cut off electronically from the rest of the base, meaning whatever was plaguing the computers outside this room had no effect whatsoever on them. The only person who could grant access to this room was the same man who was ordering Nina here. His name was General John M. Winters, an old war vet, that was in charge of running this entire facility.

 

The door leading to the Situation room was guarded by six well armed men who had the capabilities to fight of a small army. The men stood in a straight line with their backs

against the wall, as they had been instructed to do when a trip to the Situation room should occur; such an occurrence took place once in a blue moon.

"You took your sweet time," Sergeant Ruzo Petrelli said as he walked out of formation.

 

"Fuck you, Ruzo," Nina playfully said. " How dare you walk out of your position, someone needs to have their back against that wall."

 

"You’re a cold- hearted bitch, you know that?" Ruzo pulled a cigarette from his pocket. "But still I love you." He winked at her.

 

"Is that right?"

 

"I swear, Nina, every time I look at you, you just keep getting sexier." Ruzo had the look a hungry wolf as he eyed her from head to toe, looking at her slim waist, gorgeous green eyes, and that hazel brown that drove men wild.

 

"Is that any way to address you’re commanding officer?" She gave him a cold stare." What kind of example are you setting for your men?"

 

"I’m sorry, ma’am." He put down his head in shame, looked at his men, and said, "Listen up, gentleman. I want all of you to look at commanding officer, Nina, no longer as a woman. She is to be looked at like one of the guys, a

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Chapter: 1
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Discussion

 To be honest with you, this is very hard to read, line by line dialogue, with no sense of setting or character, just straight dialogue.  I think it would all be enhanced if written in a traditional style, giving the readers a sense of what's going on, it'd be much easier to read. Just my opinion.  Hope it helps.

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