This was a very morbid piece, but based on an idea not foreign to my thoughts. Many times, I've thought of such things, even contemplated killing myself, but I never had the guts to go through with it, much like some of the things your character did, but I wonder, is it your character or you speaking your own life through a story?

I have a friend who means a great deal to me who is suicidal and understandably so, but all he really needs is someone on his side, and that's me. A lot of people have turned on him, but I make it a point to remind him all the time that there is someone who cares about him, someone who will cry for him if anything ever happens to him. I had to get off the computer one night, not by choice, when he was really on the edge and I was so relieved the next day when he logged on to AIM. He said he couldn't do it, that he wasn't strong enough to go through with it. I told him that it takes a stronger person not to do it.

I enjoyed your story. It's one that makes you think. You just need to polish it up a bit. Some of the sentences are a bit awkward and you need to watch your punctuation.

My days are a series of almosts.

good tries

nearly theres

I think you should keep your list all on the same line, but separate them with semi-colons and don't forget the period at the end. '... of almosts; good tries; nearly theres.'

... one malnutrition-ed child’s hands.

You don't need the heiphen there [and yes, I'm thoroughly aware that I most likely misspelled 'heiphen'].

This is definately a piece worth thinking about and make you re-evaluate your take on the human race, especially that church part. I always tell people that I believe in God, I just don't believe in church.

You know, for being a really depressing first person description, this is an irritating piece of work. Not bad irritating, but irritating because it has too many levels and requires a great deal of thought to analyze it. Here we have a person who has performed some kind of internal balance sheet and came up seriously lacking—do I feel empathy? I'm conflicted, but no. He's shifted his personally esteem-less paradigm outward and balanced everyone else as lacking too. Then on the other hand one feels they should empathize as this is a seemingly accurate characterization of someone who in real life commits suicide. I like the idea of injecting the black humor of utter incompetence as a contrasting view of the protagonist. He is whiny and laments the plight of others which is none of his business, is not helping his personal situation, and in real life this invariably annoys me to no end; yet, his attempts, their lackluster absurdity give an impression that this cynicism coupled with incompetence will insure him a long, miserable life. I'd like to say I arrived at some definitive assessment of this work, but I didn't. I also noted no awkward sentences, poor construction, etc. to nag about. All told a well written piece. (Couple small nits)  Patricide is murdering your father, I don;t know if that is the word you wished. Good line: My life’s first success will breed my ultimate demise, my existence is fundamentally ironic.) Schools clothes for Timmy, the preacher’s oldest. Should be school—singular?

 a young gentleman kneeled at my side and my tired form. 

This is a bit weird here, mostly the phrase "my tired form".  It's more words than necessary.

Proudly my white knight beams down at me, groggy with deep, medicated sleep, his damsel in distress. 

Proudly (coma) my white knight...And I think I would give "His damsel in distress" it's own line or cut back on the descriptions of "me". 

The way he eyes me, looking me up and down suspiciously, carefully, eyes pausing momentarily around my waist area, his heroism begins to make sense. 

There are so many descriptive words in this sentence that the point gets lost.  Try the sentence without.  "The way he eyes me, looking me up and down, his eyes pausing on my waist, and his heroism begins to make sense."

I push my way through the multitudes disgusted

"through the multitudes (coma) disgusted with everyone...

The people who are too stupid to realize how poor of an existence they suffer, perpetual smile plastered on their faces, repulse me. 

Try cutting some more words here.  "People too stupid to realize their poor existance with a perpetual smile on their face, repulse me". 

As a general rule, that's the main problem with this story.  Too many unnecessary words with sentences that need organization makes it difficult to get to the bones of the story, which is the importance.  

 but damn it all, I couldn’t breathe.

This cracked me up. Every suicide attempt after was the same.  Also, note, the simplicity of the sentences.  That was great writing that was easy for the reader.

good tries

nearly theres

I like these lines, but capitolization and perhaps italicing them would add.  Also, "there(apostrophe)s."

1 bottle Nyquil plus 1 human being times 1 subway train equals infallible suicide, success, completion.

This was a really hard read, and considering your story and writing style, I don't think that a mathematic equation would be completely out of line.

Let me explain my rationale in omitting this variable from my suicide equation

This was another ackward line, like you knew you had to explain this, so you threw this line in, but it doesn't read naturally, in my opinion.

Colored pencils to solve the world’s problems.

All apathetic, narcissistic bullshit.

Love the first line, but the second line is unnecessary.  Let your audience come to this conclusion through the use of the previous paragraphs, that, by the way, you lay out nicely.

The story is interesting, and I definatetly like it.  A little housekeeping and clarifying sentences will help tremendously, though it got better later in the story.  Trust your audience and don't give them everything.  This is a piece that makes them think, so force them into it. 

Thanks for the read...Amber

 All the critiquing has been done so I can but offer my opinion. This was a good piece, both dark and (I thought) humorous at times. Black humor yes, but all the different ways the protagonist tried to kill themself but failed miserably was funny to me. Like getting in the bath tub to kill yourself by electrocution, but not realizing the fact that you had to light candles to see because the power was out. At the same time, along side the subtle humor, was good introspection and comments on todays society that I agree with wholeheartedly. I often say we are the apathetical generation, but that is more a view central to my peers, while at the same time the fact that it is not just my age group seemed to elude me. Your work made me think, and while grammatically unsound and edgy at places, that is all I really care about. Good work.