The first, very first, like nothing else before it, you know, the one and only thing that comes before everything else and then all that follows it is laid to waste behind it, just because they are not first, and the top of the list of a triage of first things that I want most dearly and sincerly to mention, blurt! out and converse about is the first thing, the VERY first thing that struck my eyes first, I mean like I could not but see pop, leap, and hop, jump in my face--and I just want you to know that I don't, most definetly not, like that very much, that is it's probably at the bottom, very, very bottom of my list of favorite things--was the very word--you guessed it, right?--'sunset'!

Come on now; right after the introductory buil up, send up, fuck up of 10 'oh's and 10 'fuck's'--oh, yes, I counted them; how many of you out there didin't? Oooh, that many? Geeesh. the best that you could come up (punno) with is this honker? I always hate doing this, but just once won't kill me will it? Uhh, I quote you here (oh, yuck), no not that! Here: "They witness the sunset together". Let me ask you what you really think of when someone says that. I mean, come on (onnup), pleeese.

I would like to now take a few moments to that my parents. Than you for fucking. Serious enough for you; serious enough for me and actually who wouldn't want to tell there parents but are afraid to come right out and say it, but hey, I'm not one to go on and beat around the bush with a dead horse.

"They witness the sunset together". They together witness the sunset. Sunset together they witness. Witness together the sunset. I'm still not too sure about that one.

But let's move on shall we? All Albatrosses aside--and there are a few of them here--I would appraise your talent like I might scratch my left nipple, and you know how serious that might be, and who knows where we go from there and what longings we might digress onto and tresspass against. Don't let me do that; how many times do I have to tell you?

I probably like the fuck parts the least. Yikes! I can't believe I said that. I probably like the fuck parts the least. Yikes! And double yikes, maybe even triple yikes. No, not triple yikes; I take that back. Actually why don't you take those back. I've had enough of my own. I can't believe I said that again. I should take my temperature.

In the second paragraph--after the second stream of 'oh's' and, well, you know what--you are hot on the trail of something, and I think you know what I mean, you lil' devil. But you don't build on it and rush right into jealousy (did I spell that right? Hold on a sec. ... ... ... ... ... ...yup, well, that is if yours is right, 'cause I just checked on your spelling and I assume you used a spellchecker before you submitted your story, right? Hmm. I hope so. Anyway, to get back to Planet Scribophile, and Prego-Nancy. I think it's a whirlwind, blind love romance and woopie okay fuckaroo away and blast into boredom with a lust thrust. But I want something in between her besides hearing about things between their legs and then bingo they suck as lovers and friends.

And then they die happily ever after.

Uh-hum. Hmm.

Oh, fuckme, gee, I had to stop and sweep away the tears with a broom, I was weeping that much, no really; I mean not really, just, you know, a gigure of speech.

A few things I like to see--that you apparently don't give a (to use your best phrase) fuck about--or read in a story--it is a 'story', right?--I mean, you've sort of labeled it that way with '<a href= "../../../tags/flash%20fiction">flash fiction</a>, <a href= "../../../tags/short%20story">short story</a>, <a href= "../../../tags/fiction">fiction</a>'--and after all, who doesn't? I would finally suggest cutting out one or two or three of the 'fuck's' and and something pertaing to: conflict, plot, character, narration, and resolution, and well you know, right?

And once you've done that, then well, you've got a masterpiece that you could submit to Lulu and with a few bucks that you've earned by maybe delivering pizzas on weekends you could possibly get it published. No, I'm not fuckin' kiddin'.

Just so you know, I will rate this 4 STARS because I do like alot of what you've done. And if you've read this far you deserve to know why--plus, it goes without saying, so I won't say iy, I'll jot it down. You've been a good sport and fuck whatever--so, here is what I liked:

You have written with wonderful style and coherant thought process and sentence structure. What I mean to say is that this is written very smoooth and it flowws so easy (if the f wirds were not in this, I really believe you would have a wonderful stream of conscious story od two happy sad lovers, but that's probably just me.

You diction, word choices are excellent (not withstanding the start, with, well, let's not go into that again or I might be here for another 1000 words, I'm late for going to Burger King for dinner as it is and Barack Obamam is on TV, so that's why I'm finally cutting this short) and well stacked together.

Another thing I enjoyed was the FLASHiness of the story. It's almost like a little script, isn't it? I mean, she's here and she thinks this and he's there and he thinks this. Well.

Caps and puntuation could use a leg up and some massaging. A kiss kiss here and there and maybe a glance towards Shrick & Wite.

Overall, though it was great fun to read. It is sooo different and unique.

Don't listen to anyone too strongly unless it is your heart.

You've got a little Jack Kerouac steam-of-consciousness going on here -- interesting work! That said, this seems to be kind of a one-take-wonder kind of piece (meaning it was written without much editing), and, with an exception made for Kerouac himself, I often reiterate the following point about writing: Writing is editing. This piece could use some judicious cutting to pare it down to its core.

The bits about their "bits" are interesting, and while I'm not exactly opposed to gratuitous sex in writing, the first main section of the poem/flash story is a bit too gratuitous without any additional meaning to the description of the couple doing the naughty.

Furthermore, the story as a whole is a bit of a retelling of a commonly held, slightly vague notion about the progression of a male-female relationship, and I'd rather see you present a new or alternative view on the nature of relationships over time rather than write creatively about one that so many people already have. Boy does girl, girl gets pregnant, boy and girl have a lifelong, troubled relationship because of the fact that they got involved without thinking it through, etc. Perhaps there's a specific element of the psychology of the characters that you could focus on, which would make it a bit easier for you to express a new idea about the nature of relationships.

The ending is interesting -- reminds me of T.S. Eliot's "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock" (i.e. "We have lingered in the chambers of the sea/ By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown/ Till human voices wake us, and we drown.") I like that there's nearly an implication that he's murdering her, and also an implication of the opposite case. Maybe that's an element you could hone in on, as well.

As for writing style, I'm really not a fan of intentional missuse of improper grammar, such as not using capital letters at the beginnings of sentences, etc. I know why you did it, and to some degree this is the kind of work where you can get away with it, but I tend to think of it as cliche. Just because e e cummings did it, and did it well, doesn't mean everyone can, nor does it make you more "artistic" just because you did it. If you're familiar with playing guitar, it's kind of like using too many effects pedals to control the sound of your solos. If the notes are good to begin with, then the effects you put over them is just polishing. But if you focus on the effects before you focus on the notes, then it doesn't matter how cool your effects are, because you'll still suck. Beyond that, I won't go in to much of an analysis of your grammar or anything like that, because it doesn't make much sense to do that when you're intentionally missuing it. Just some food for thought.

All in all, this is the kind of writing I like to see, as opposed to more conventional, flowery takes on love that infect modern writing like cancer. Reel it in a bit, focus on the most important and novel concepts, and you might be on to something.

 I must say, this story wasn't too bad, but I dont see much of a story line going on except sex. It is not a bad thing, but if that is all your going to use then it seems kind of smutty. I do believe that you could go somewhere with this, I just dont think that you have gotten there yet. I think it needs quite a few revisions and editing. Fort one thing, as I'm sure you know, your apparent love of the F word. Also it seems quite depressing. I realize that it was possible that it was meant to be. But stories like that just make me never want to read them again. Like I said, I believe you could make something out of this. I do think you do a good job of capturing the character's emotions. Maybe if you concentrated more on emotion and less on physical, it wouldn't turn people off too much. Just a few suggestions to brighten it up, but for the most part well done!!

Taking a deep breath and focusing on the concept that my cup of tea is not everybody's cup of tea.

This narrative seems to spend all of its fury on a cacophony of words by telling us exactly what is happening at every moment in both heads, with very little discovery, and even fewer periods. I think that a healthy edit that distills the base concept into a single clear, concise, foundational idea that is then built upon would better serve the story.

I see the cascading countdown of Oh Fuck's to be gimmicky. Also, the point of view for me is confusing as we are forced to jump from inside one head to another without rhyme or reason -- sometimes within the same sentence.

All of that being said. I think that with an edit that pares down the gimmickry, a good story is in the making. The ideas of divergent motivations and discoveries from two sides of a single act is a solid one. Eliminating the concourses of run on sentences would also help immensely.

I am hardly one to talk about grammar. It is my worst fault in my own writing, but there seems to be a complete disregard for it here and I am not sure why?

I have reread and re written this critique twice now. I want to be supportive and constructive. I don't wish or want to be mean spirited. I just think that maybe this piece was not as thought out as it could have been. 

Oo, I like this! 

The most powerful parts were the beginning, where I thought this was a simple erotica story, and the end, where I saw the turn of events.  That ending completely blindsided me, and I loved it!  I really enjoyed how you led up to that moment, and how I kept thinking he would choose to change his overbearing mindset.  Instead, he didn't change at all, and yeah, I still can't get over that ending.  Very impressive!

I noticed all your paragraphs didn't start with a capitolized letter.  I really liked that actually.  It's different, and it kinda symbolizes that everything flows into the next part.  There might've been other grammar issues, but I was too caught up in the story to notice.

I think you have a great talent.  This was a joy to read.  I love surprise endings!