Well, it's a good start.  I get a strong sense of "yet another fantasy story" with not a lot to set it apart.  It reminds me strongly of Tamora Peirce's writing, especially the quartet about Alana, what with the twins, the way the school works, the reference to "wild" magic.  Not to suggest that you're copying, just that  there are similar elements.   I am intrigued by Draco's obvious inferiority complex towards his brother, and I'll be interested to see how that plays out, especially given the apparent likelihood of Bahaumut behaving in a less than ethical, or even downright evil way later on.  I'd love to see what you could do with this, to make it stand out a little more. And then there are little specific things that I've addressed below. 

My name is Draco; Draco Cyriius. 

You know that both his names are constellations right? Even if one of them isn't spelled in anything close to a traditional way.  It sounds kind of pretentious. 

I was gonna let this go with the names, but it's getting painful, pick a tense and stick.  Just because something is still true doesn't mean you have to put it in present tense. 

They had met during one of my father’s expeditions.

You don't need "had" in this sentence. 

Our room was small and simple; two small beds with a chest at the foot of them.

Try "at the foot of each one", unless there's really only one chest at the foot of two beds. And if there is, you may want to change that, 'cause that just seem weird, especially in light of what you say next. 

I rolled out of bed and lifted the chest lid with my foot. Inside were all my belongings.

You make it sound as though he discovered them there, like he didn't know what was in it, or didn't know where his stuff was. 

I changed out of my night clothes and put on my school clothes.

Really boring, repetitive sentence.  Try "I changed out of my night clothes and dressed for school." 

Mother was cleaning while Bahaumut was finishing his breakfast. “You missed breakfast,” he said.

Just say he's "eating", it makes your later use of "breakfast" not sound repetitive. 

He was right. If I had breakfast, I would be late for class. This happened often. It always annoyed me when he was right. I made a face at him.

There's really nothing interesting here, and it flows badly.  I suggest a different way of saying it.  "He was right, I couldn't eat and still make it to class on time.  I made a face at him, it was so annoying when he was right."  Even that's not great, but It condenses 5 short, choppy, boring sentences into two longer, smoother boring sentences. 

She handed me something folded in a cloth. I looked inside and saw an egg sandwich inside.

Doesn't need to be two sentences.  Just  "she handed me an egg salad sandwich folded in a cloth" would work better. 

“Thanks mom!” I bit into it. It was delicious.

At least use a comma or semicolon rather than a period, please? I find it really hard to care that he bit into it, or that it was delicious, maybe you should just leave it at him thanking her...

But my hair was not silver, but gray; and my eyes were a darker tint of purple.

The two "but"s here sounds odd.  "But my hair was gray rather than silver" might work better.  Also, darker "tint" of purple? Tint and shade are not synonymous, and what you mean here is shade. 

She shooed us out the door and Bahaumut and I started to walk to the temple.

Where else would they be going.  We know where they're going, because you've already said it, it's implied in her shooing them out the door that they've started walking, so that's all you need to say. 

The day was beautiful. The sky was clear and a light, refreshing breeze blew through the village. Morning dew still covered the grass and shimmered like a million jewels. The day looked promising.

Leave out that it was beautiful, or leave out that it was promising, it just doesn't sound right saying both.  Also, you can condense the first three sentences into one, it'll work better. 

It wasn’t uncommon for my appetite to dictated most of my thoughts and actions.

"dictate" not "dictated" in this case. 

It was ill lit and was always chilly, the stone walls failing to insulate the place. It was freezing during the winter.

To much "was"...let me suggest a rephrase.  "It was ill lit and always chilly, the stone failed to insulate the place, and in winter it got below freezing".  Or something like that. 

“White, red, black, and wild,” she said.

Why not white, black, red and green, for the sake of internal consistency. 

Father would be upset too, but he tended not to overreact as much as mom.

You can leave it at "tended not to overreact as much", we know as whom from the previous sentence. 

He said, “Thanks.”

This would sound better the other way around.  Usually putting "he said" or whatever first messes with the flow. 

It was ill-lit and smelled of old and musty books.

Maybe "dim", or "shadowy" instead of "ill-lit" since you used that phrase before...

If you plan to publish you need to work at your material.  You say that the first chapter is overlong; the chances are that a potential publisher will think so too.  If you cannot shape the beginning chapter to your satisfaction then it does not bode well for the rest of the book. 

Do not overlook the importance of spelling.  In your work description you spell the word 'their' wrongly -- twice.  If you do this in your synopsis it will not engender confidence in the rest of your work.

I think it a mistake to begin by describing life so mundanely.  Better to say that life was as if enclosed in a spell that, once shattered, changed everything for ever.  The loss to the protagonists is thus the greater.

This is a first draft that shows some imagination.  It needs some sharpening up.  Good luck.

Joseph -

Not bad, a pretty solid chunk of writing; overall, everything aside, this chapter doesn't make me want to shout, "Get this to a publisher right now!" but it doesn't make me want to shout, "There's no way this will ever be ready to go to a publisher!" That means you're in a good place. You have work to do, but it seems that you have a pretty good story in your head on which to do that work.

On that note, I am intrigued by the story that you hint at in the first chapter and in your description. With the material available, it's not really clear how the two time periods will work together, but it sounds interesting and sets this piece apart from other "swords and magic" works. One hypothetical warning: if you have a character in two very distinct time periods, make sure his motivations, attitude, speech, and behavior stay consistent between the two. You don't want him talking like King Arthur in one segment and then talking like Jack Nicholson in the next, unless there is something to explain the change that has come over him.

You've split the time, and as I said that's going to make your story somewhat unique, but you have to be careful with that device. It can make your piece very interesting if you use it in interesting ways. It would be great if you could make the cuts and transitions between the times meaningful, rather than just flipping the channel on the story. Enough hypotheticals, let's get to the text you posted.

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You're writing within a genre, and that can be helpful and also potentially harmful. One on hand, you have pre-accepted conventions in the genre that you don't have to sell to your readers. You don't have to hold their hands as much when talking about magic and swordplay and all that good fantasy stuff, because they have already accepted that fictional world, where ever it may be. But, on the other hand, writing in a genre can make an author mighty lazy. You might make assumptions about what the reader knows about the world in which your story is taking place, and these can lead to headscratching moments. An example of this may be something like:

It was just the simple fact that she was a demon that made others wary of her. If you do the math, you can probably deduce that this would make me a demon.

How do we know the math on demon/human babies? Maybe a human father and a demon mother makes for a half-demon, or a human, or a full blooded demon. Or maybe it makes a bullfrog. I don't know. Some of your readers might, but not all of them.

Another fantasy genre danger: watch out for the fetishization of weapons and other assorted gear:

It was there as a finger grip and allowed you to spin the blades. The sheaths were made of some kind of light stone.

You do want to give detailed descriptions of a lot of things, especially if it is an object your readers are not used to, but you don't want to sound like a 12 year old looking at the Medieval Weapons Catalog saying, "Wow, look at the awesome sword shaped like a dragon that's got spikes on the handle and you could totally kick ass with that....etc. etc."

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I suggest loosening up the dialog. These kids are adolescents, right? Let them get a little mumbly and slangy. Use contractions when you can:

“You have got to teach me how to do that some day. I would have much more use out of it than you.”

            “You and I both know you are terrible at black magic.”

            “Yeah, I know.”

It doesn't sound like young folks, no matter what time they're from. Have them say things like, "You gotta teach me how to do that," "You and I both know you're terrible at black magic."

Also, with dialog, use it to show things about the scene and about the characters. Watch out for sequences where your characters just go back and forth:

"Blah blah," said.

He replied, "Blah blah blah."

I said, "Blah blah."

Instead:

"Blah blah," I said, looking him right in the face."

He lowered his clouded eyes and replied, "Blah blah blah."

Kicking open the door, I shouted over my shoulder, "Blah blah."

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Story structure-wise, I was hoping for more to happen before the end of the chapter. You say at the beginning something like, "that was a day that changed me forever," but the only thing that happens is that the brother disappears. We don't see the effects and repercussions in this chapter, and that sort of means that Draco has not changed, yet.

That's kind of a lot of critique for now. I hope it gives you something to think about. One last thing; are you totally committed to the first person point of view? I think it creates pitfalls between the reader and author. Try rewriting a page in third person and see how you like it.

Keep it up. I wouldn't be commenting unless I thought the story was interesting. I'll keep an eye out for the next chapter!

Good job with the second draft, it reads a lot better.  I've found two little things that you might want to tweak, both of which I think I missed the first time around. 

Both Bahaumut and I knew the risks of practicing our magic. We were willing to risk it.

I'd recommend making this one sentence, along the lines of "Both Bahaumut and I knew the risks of practicing our magic, we were willing to take those risks.  I dunno, too me it sounds better...

Only Bahaumut was able to lift it off the ground, and even then he had to rest it on his shoulders to support it.

Since it belongs to their father, it seems a little unlikely that only Bahaumut was able to lift it.  So maybe you could change it to "Bahaumut was able to lift it off the ground, but even he has to rest it on his shoulders to support it." Or something to that effect.  

 Hello Joseph -- I'm sorry I haven't followed up on reviewing any of your work yet. It's been a much more hectic time than I was expecting recently.

My name is Draco; Draco Cyriius.

]I made a mocking face at him.

 Bahaumut shook his head in disapproval. “If we are late for magic lessons again, mother will scold us.”

In the distance, the bells at the temple began to toll. 

Oh, yawn. I could already feel myself slowly slipping away to sleep.

The blades were a little over a foot long, double edged, and made of a black metal that was unknown to me. 

Try to avoid really long run on sentences, such as,

But there will always be that one day where that one thing happens that just shakes your quiet, repetitive life so hard that you're left in shock as you stare at the shattered remains of your life left behind by that devastating hurricane.

This could be broken into several sentences, each having its own subject. No need to pile everything into one long sentence. If often makes the reader feel as though they've missed something. Smaller sentences allows a reader to quickly know what's going on for that specific event.

Try to avoid reusing the same sort of descriptive words in the same sentence, such as,

His reputation was known throughout the lands as one of the bravest in the eastern lands.

This can easily be changed into something less wordy, but with greater substance, like,

"He was known as one of the bravest throughout the eastern lands."

Also, unless they have different last names than Draco, I suggest not to put Walker's and Fiona's last names in a descriptive fashion. If you're using them in dialogue context, yes, if they're being discussed or talked to. In this fashion, though, it just adds to much.

If you do the math, you can probably deduce that this would make me a demon.

This sentence distracts from the rest of the paragraph. It doesn't fit in with the general message conveyed. Perhaps adding a different paragraph for this specific message might work.

Don't use But at the beginning of a sentence if you can help it. Aside from proper grammar, it also gives the impression of negating the previous sentence. Some instances are acceptable, but not most of the time. Try using a similar word, such as However, or change the wording around so But is not at the beginning.

This sentence pairing is confusing:

But although he appeared to follow all the rules and be obedient, I knew otherwise. I would know.

No need to repeat that he knew something different. You can do away with the second sentence altogether.

Mother forbids it. Mother also forbids me to play with her twin daggers; the dai-blades; and keeps them locked away in a box with an enchanted lock on it.

Several things need to be changed. First, don't use present tense and past tense in the same story. Use "forbade" instead. there are some instances where you HAVE to use present tense, but they're unavoidable. Second, the second sentence is too long. Stop with daggers, and have the dai-blades a separate sentence, and then the last part a third sentence. Lastly, take away "locked away" if you're going to use enchanted lock at the end.

Many demons had the ability to take on human form.

Change that to "have the ability" and you'll be fine.  Had gives the impression that they no longer do.

Keep the same words capitalized for the same instances. For example, you earlier used Mother, but later on, you use lower case mother. Lower case is fine so long as you're not addressing the person directly, or talking about her in a non-descriptive fashion. Same can be said about not capitalizing descriptive uses, such as the use of Master instead of master.

After that came Journeyman, Master, and finally Elder, which was the highest standing one can reach.

These should all be lowercased. They describe the title/rank, but is not a direct interaction. Also, the last bit is too much. You could reword it to something like, "and finally Elder, the highest possible standing."

I notice that a lot of places you use the word to instead of at, for example,

I looked to the bed beside me and saw that Bahaumut was not there.

At is a better usage in these cases.

Everything else is just variations of my aforementioned observations. It seems to be an interesting story, though there doesn't seem to be much interaction. Most of it is character development, aside from the bit at the beginning. I got hooked with that, but haven't seen anything that really stands out since. It has promise, and I look forward to reading chapters 3 and on.