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Dark Legacy, Chapter 3: Awakening

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futuristic, fantasy, dual-era, action
1st
Draft

Published on:

August 13, 7:55am

Word Count:

3769

Last Edited:

August 13, 7:58am

Work Description

Two brother live a normal life, until thier parents are brutally murdered. Now, seperated by centuries from a freak magic accident, one seeks thier parent's killer, while the other simply seeks to survive in an age of steel and concrete.

Chapter Description

Draco realizes that he may not be home anymore, and his problems just became exponentially more complex.

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<img height="291" alt="" width="519" src= "http://i517.photobucket.com/albums/u340/draco-joe/Dark%20Legacy/Draco_scrapz_by_mkb_fusion.jpg">

(Adult Draco in human and demon form. Art by Mike Baldwin) (If this image doesn't work for you, could someone please school me on how to make it visible?)

 

I couldn’t see anything, and at first I thought I had gone blind. I quickly realized that it was because my eyes were closed. I opened them and quickly closed them again against the bright light.

I smelled flowers. I shook my head to clear it and stood up, squinting my eyes until they had adapted to the light.

I was surprised to find myself standing in a seemingly endless field of the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen. The sky was blindingly bright, but there was no sun in the sky. For some strange reason, I felt unusually at peace, almost euphoric.

            I turned slowly in a circle, looking around for a change in scenery. Only flowers as far as the eye could see; flowers of all imaginable shapes and sizes. In the distance, two shadowy figures stood side by side. It took me a while to realize that I knew those people. They were Mother and Father. But it made no sense. They were dead. I saw them die.

            “What’s his status?” a voice boomed in my head, sending drums of pain pounding through my head. I felt a flash of annoyance that this voice would interrupt my peace.

            “Dead sir. But there is still some brain activity. It might be possible to jumpstart his heart.” Another voice, a woman, stated. My head started to pound harder. I smelled cold steel and felt nauseas. There were more voices in the background, indistinct but noticeably urgent.

            “Okay. Do it. Start artificial blood flow, and start him off slow or else he might go into shock. And give him a dose of epinephrine.”

            “Clear!”

            My chest suddenly felt like it exploded from the inside and I fell to the ground, gasping for breath that wouldn’t come. It hit again, and I convulsed. My head was swimming in pain, and my chest was on fire. Once more it hit, and I could feel myself start to pass out. The flowers no longer had smell and the sky was dimming. In the distance, Mother and Father were getting further away.

            The impact hit again and I blacked out. The last thing I heard was the voice of the female.

            “We have a pulse. Let’s get him into the tank.”

 

-           -           -

 

            I didn’t know how long I slept, but when I awoke, it was certain that I wasn’t home anymore. The world slid slowly into comprehension and everything tasted purple, if that made any sense. My head throbbed painfully, and I felt very and sluggish.

I felt like I had dreamt about something, but I couldn’t remember. I tried to grab for the dream, but it only slipped through my grasp like a thin mist.

            I suddenly realized that I was underwater. There was something attached to my face, protecting my mouth and nose from the water. A cool draft emanated from it, supplying me with fresh air. The air was cold and tasted metallic.

I couldn’t see too well through the water, but I could see shapes that looked like people walking around. Walking underwater? That didn’t make any sense.

            I reached forward and felt something tug at my skin. I looked at my arm and through the watery haze saw what looked like ropes attached to the flesh. The ropes tugged painfully at my flesh and I realized with horror that they went under my skin.

I reached out further and my fingers touched smooth glass. It completely surrounded me. I was trapped in a glass prison.

            I started to panic. I wanted out. I needed out. Claustrophobia began to seep into my mind.

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Discussion

Many of the same things I said in the previous two chapters are present, so I won't waste your time by repeating them in detail. Basically, though, the run-on sentences and the detail overload are still present. There are a few more grammatical errors than the last two chapters, but that's a common factor for every writer.

The story itself progresses better than the first chapter, but there are still some stumps that you need to work on. It's getting better, though.

 

What I really liked about this chapter is the switching back-and-forth. It's a bit of a hook that got me interested. Although, I am confused about the third installment, I'm not sure I understand if it's a dream, a memory, or what.

 

One specific issue I have is that you have Draco using Jesus as a swear. To me this isn't in keeping with his personality as a magic user. Maybe if they were referred to as Clerics, such as in classic D&D form, it may be believable, but to me the current way is not.

 

I'm liking the story so far, it's captivating me. I look forward to chapter 4.

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