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Dark Legacy, Chapter 3: Awakening

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futuristic, fantasy, dual-era, action
1st
Draft

Published on:

Aug. 13, 2008, 7:55am

Word Count:

3769

Last Edited:

Aug. 13, 2008, 7:58am

Work Description

Two brother live a normal life, until thier parents are brutally murdered. Now, seperated by centuries from a freak magic accident, one seeks thier parent's killer, while the other simply seeks to survive in an age of steel and concrete.

Chapter Description

Draco realizes that he may not be home anymore, and his problems just became exponentially more complex.

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Print WorkPrint drive yourself crazy, I told myself. I shook the thoughts from my head. I had to worry about all that later. My first priority was getting the hell out of here.

            I had no weapons. My mother’s dai-blades were not with me. They better not have taken them. If I did not get them back, so help me, I will tear this place apart to get them.

            Without any weapon, I would have to rely on my magic to escape. This liquid I was in just might be enough to do the trick, assuming it was actually water. I focused on it and tested to see if I could control it.

I felt a faint current sweep through it, manipulated by my magic. I was pleased.

            The next part was tricky. I concentrated on the water and drew it around me, pressing it against my body. I felt the pressure increase as the water seemed to crush me, and my ears popped. I released the spell and pushed the water against the glass. The force sent webs of cracks across the surface of the glass. In numerous places, I could hear water trickling out of the container.

The ease of the spell came as a surprise to me. All magic users possessed an energy called ‘mana’. The greater amount of mana you possessed, the greater the spells you could cast. Normally, I could use up my entire mana supply to manipulate wind and water to suspend a gallon of water in the air for half a minute. A trained mage could accomplish this feat for hours, perhaps even a full day.

The spell I had just accomplished would usually deplete my mana supply greatly, leaving me weak and tired. But I didn’t feel that way at all. In fact, it felt like a mere drop of my magical energy was spent.

I looked deeper into my mana reserves and found an astounding amount present. I was shocked and baffled to find that I now possessed more than a hundred times more mana than before.

As confused as I was as to how I had acquired such an astounding mana supply, but I had to be grateful for it. I tried the spell again and applied twice the amount of energy to the water. I felt my ears pop again from the pressure, and a thin cloud of blood rose in the water from my nose. I released and hit the glass with the water again.

            The container shattered and the water spilled out, washing away the shards of glass. I fell to the bottom of the container and cried out in pain as the cables tore out from under my skin. I curled into a ball and tried to push the pain into the back of my head. It stung terribly, but it didn’t seem serious. I should have thought that through better.

I was bleeding, and I could smell it. Natural instincts sent flags of danger up in my mind. It added to my fear.

            As I lay there, fighting with pain and fear, I became aware of how lonely the room was. The only sounds were the faint trickle of water and my own heavy breathing. The silence was smothering. Slowly, I sat up and looked at my arms. The area where the cables had been was already starting to bruise. The bleeding was starting to slow, and I knew it would eventually stop on its own. The wounds were superficial.

            I grabbed one of the cables and looked at it. It was a hollow tube and ended in a wicked needle. I felt a wave of nausea at the thought of those needles inside me. I tossed the tube away in disgust.

            I surveyed the room and realized I was mistaken when I thought that the room was lightless. A small window near the ceiling poured a small amount of moonlight into the room. I was certain that if I was going to escape, that would be the quickest way.

            There

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Discussion

Many of the same things I said in the previous two chapters are present, so I won't waste your time by repeating them in detail. Basically, though, the run-on sentences and the detail overload are still present. There are a few more grammatical errors than the last two chapters, but that's a common factor for every writer.

The story itself progresses better than the first chapter, but there are still some stumps that you need to work on. It's getting better, though.

 

What I really liked about this chapter is the switching back-and-forth. It's a bit of a hook that got me interested. Although, I am confused about the third installment, I'm not sure I understand if it's a dream, a memory, or what.

 

One specific issue I have is that you have Draco using Jesus as a swear. To me this isn't in keeping with his personality as a magic user. Maybe if they were referred to as Clerics, such as in classic D&D form, it may be believable, but to me the current way is not.

 

I'm liking the story so far, it's captivating me. I look forward to chapter 4.

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