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Dark Legacy, Chapter 3: Awakening

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futuristic, fantasy, dual-era, action
1st
Draft

Published on:

Aug. 13, 2008, 7:55am

Word Count:

3769

Last Edited:

Aug. 13, 2008, 7:58am

Work Description

Two brother live a normal life, until thier parents are brutally murdered. Now, seperated by centuries from a freak magic accident, one seeks thier parent's killer, while the other simply seeks to survive in an age of steel and concrete.

Chapter Description

Draco realizes that he may not be home anymore, and his problems just became exponentially more complex.

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Print WorkPrint idea what these two were rambling about. I sat up on my elbows and hit my head on the bottom of the carriage. I rubbed the spot gingerly, feeling a small bump start to rise. That didn’t feel like wood should. I looked up and saw a mess of metallic contraptions. What the hell?

“Oh Jesus, you don’t think…” they continued.

“I don’t know. I’m just making a guess.”

“Aw man, that’s scary stuff.”

“No kidding. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            “Alright. Tell the missus I said hello.”

The man turned toward me and I hugged the ground. He got in the wagon and the other man walked away. I was about to climb out when the wagon suddenly roared to like. I cried out in surprise and covered my ears against the sound. It roared and moved away on its own power, leaving me laying there in the open.

I jumped and ran towards the woods, thoroughly startled by the strange device. What the hell was that thing? What was going on here! I ran, and would not stop. Whatever that thing was, what if it saw me and started to chase me? Trees and bushes whipped past me. There wasn’t a person in the village that could catch me. I was going to give this thing a run for its money. I kept running until it hurt to breath and my legs felt like lead. But I could swear I could hear the thing growling behind me, the metallic beast closing in, so I kept running.

I slowed down eventually and turned back. There was nothing chasing me. It was just my wild imagination playing tricks on me, influenced by fear and stress.

I took a few steps forward and suddenly, every muscle in my being locked up. I fell to the ground and whimpered. Agony wracked every nerve in my body. What was happening? What had they done to me?

After what felt like forever, the tide of pain subsided. Slowly, I sat up. I was exhausted. Everything ached. I crawled through the leaves and dirt and leaned myself against the tree.

So much had happened all at once. I felt overwhelmed, lonely, scared. I was hungry and cold, and still bleeding a little, but I was too tired to do anything about it.

I felt tears well up in my eye and I tried to blink them away. I wasn’t going to cry. I was tougher than that.

But I cried anyways. And when I was done, I slept.

 

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Discussion

Many of the same things I said in the previous two chapters are present, so I won't waste your time by repeating them in detail. Basically, though, the run-on sentences and the detail overload are still present. There are a few more grammatical errors than the last two chapters, but that's a common factor for every writer.

The story itself progresses better than the first chapter, but there are still some stumps that you need to work on. It's getting better, though.

 

What I really liked about this chapter is the switching back-and-forth. It's a bit of a hook that got me interested. Although, I am confused about the third installment, I'm not sure I understand if it's a dream, a memory, or what.

 

One specific issue I have is that you have Draco using Jesus as a swear. To me this isn't in keeping with his personality as a magic user. Maybe if they were referred to as Clerics, such as in classic D&D form, it may be believable, but to me the current way is not.

 

I'm liking the story so far, it's captivating me. I look forward to chapter 4.

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