Obsessions, Chapter 1
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I don’t know why you people chose to judge me. You are not perfect. You have no right to criticize. All I did was love her. Is that such a wrong thing? Were the steps I took to secure our love really so horrible? They were necessary. They had to be done. Everything was for her.
When I saw Rebecca, I felt thunder roar through my heart, shaking my soul. I saw her on the freeway, driving a blue SUV. The chances were astronomical that I would have met her like this, stuck in traffic during afternoon rush hour. Surely the cosmos had conspired this fateful reunion in my favor. There she was, the love of my life, only three cars away.
Traffic was not at a complete stop. It was only when the driver blared his horn at me did I realize that I had stopped moving and the car ahead of me had gone twenty feet ahead of me. I pressed the accelerator and lurched forward. The moment I fell in pace with the car ahead of me, I turned my attention to Rebecca. I was afraid that it might not have been her, only a woman that resembled her.
But it was her, the Venus of my dreams. Her hair had grown a foot longer since I last saw her a year and a half ago. It glowed in the afternoon sunshine, outshining even the sun. Strands quivered in the wind through her rolled down window. She looked absolutely stunning.
Had the traffic been at a standstill, I would have left my car and ran to her. Surely she would be ecstatic to see me. Ever since we lost touch, she must have yearned for me as much as I had yearned for her.
When we lost touch, my days were filled with torment. Every waking thought was of her. When I ate, I thought of her; my nights were plagued with images of her face. Sometimes I awoke, thinking she was there sleeping beside me, only to find the bed cold and empty.
Even when I made love to other women, I found myself imagining it was her. When I was done, and realized it was not, I became infuriated. Sometimes I became so angry, I would strike the woman. Sometimes until they stopped screaming. Sometimes until they stopped altogether. Her absence from my life was torturous. It only seemed right that others should share my pain. Why should they be happy when my soul writhes in agony? Does that seem fair to you? No, it doesn’t.
But now here she was. Everything would be fine now. I decided I would surprise her. Perhaps follow her to her destination. Maybe she was heading home! There, she would allow me inside. We would talk, catch up on lost time. I would tell her how ever since she left me, everyone seemed to conspire to make my life more of a hell than it already was. She would understand. Unlike everyone else, she understood me, and she would never conspire against me. She wouldn’t do things like give me ridiculous parking tickets, or fire me from my job to attacking another worker because they were insulting me by being too happy. And then we could go to the bedroom and make love.
Rebecca started to move further ahead. I struggled to push through the traffic to catch up to her, praying that she would not take an exit before I reached her and leave me behind in the traffic.
Twenty minutes later, I had merged my way behind her. My hands were shaking, and I gripped the steering wheel tighter to steady them. My heart was hammering, and I shook my foot in anticipation. I could not wait to see her, to hear her golden voice, to hold her in my arms. I loved her like no one else could love another person, and I knew she felt the same. Our love was the purest. Nothing would stand between us.
We’ve had our quarrels before. I lost my temper a few times, but it was because I loved her so much. But in
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Okay, you had me at "I don't know why you people chose to judge me." I'm already intrigued--who are the people? Are they the readers? A jury? Witnesses? Doctors? Fascinating.
You do an incredible job of taking us inside the mind of someone who is clearly mentally ill. He speaks so rationally about stalking his lost love, and even of the violence he enacts upon those women who are unfortunate enough to spend time alone with him. His belief that she has been somehow waiting for him to show up, as when he is praising her for working out to look good for him, reinforce his delusion that she shares his twisted obsession.
I did find myself hoping for some little fragment more when it ended, although I think it was probably your intention to leave the reader an abrupt ending that would, in retrospect, connect back with his narration at the beginning. You leave the aftermath of his following her to the imagination, and in his state of mind, that's probably an insignificant detail--all that matters is finding her, and then seeing her with another man.
Just a few small wording errors here and there:
It was only when the driver blared his horn at me did I realize that I had stopped moving and the car ahead of me had gone twenty feet ahead of me.
I think I'd reword it to say, "It was only when the driver blared his horn at me that I realized I had stopped moving..."
On page 2, where she is getting out of the car, I think you meant to say, "What a good girl," instead of "Want."
Overall, exceptionally well written, and very, very gripping. I really look forward to reading more of your work!
Peace!
Lee
Before I say anything else - I thought this was fantastic. You hooked the reader perfectly in the first paragraph.
On to the critique. There weren't too many things I noticed, but here are a couple:
I followed her for a few more minute on the freeway until she took an exit. I followed her up the ramp and into a suburban neighborhood.
You start both sentences with "I followed." I like to repeat phrases when I write, so if this was just repetition, then by all means. It does sound a bit choppy, though - maybe if you combined the sentences or switched the second one around.
And then there was one thing with the tense:
I can’t wait to be with her again.
"I can't" is in the present. The rest of it is in past - so if you said "I couldn't wait" everything would be good.
Otherwise, terrific job. It was fascinating, to say the least, listening to him muse so confidently about his intentions, about his past. Reading from the point of view of a madman really hooks you. Because most of us don't know what it's like to be one. It seems really hard to do - and you pulled it off. Very nice work.
About a previous critique on this page - I think fragments are okay. They can be used effectively to create style. They also make the pace of the writing increase, as opposed to long, complete sentences, which tend to slow it down a lot. So I think you can leave the fragments you've written if you think they're effective.
Keep going with this, I was blown away.
Katie
Wow, just, wow. This is an unusual perspective to write from, and you did it wonderfully (I know, I've been there). I could understand why he felt what he felt, and do what he did. That said, I think that you might be able to take it up to another level, and get to the place where the reader catches himself feeling what your main character feels. It was there sometimes, but not as consistently as might have liked. Some of what he thinks like "insulting me by being too happy", still sound unreasonable, and I while I knew why he felt that way, I also felt that he'd have to be crazy to feel that way. See if you can't rephrase that stuff in a way that makes it seem rational. I'll be doing critiques on the next 2 chapters either tonight or tomorrow evening.
When we lost touch, my days were filled with torment.
You said "lost touch" in the previous sentence too, so I'd recommend that you find some way to alter this.
I followed her for a few more minute on the freeway until she took an exit. I followed her up the ramp and into a suburban neighborhood.
You've got two sentences starting with "I followed", change the beginning of one, and/or merge them into one sentence.
Want a good girl, keeping in good shape.
Do you mean "what a good girl"? 'Cause that would make more sense.
I can’t wait to be with her again.
The rest of it's in past tense. Stay consistent.
A black Saturn, either brand new or well kept.
If it looks brand new, it's more than well kept, so I'd add a modifier like "very" or even "extremely".
Before I praise this work, let me begin the critique. That way I end on a positive note. There are a few places where the sentences are not complete or the wrong tense of a word is used. You've got to be real careful with things of that sort.
The first paragraph needs to be indented.
"longer since I last saw her a year and a half ago" I suggest a comma after the word "her". It just, in my opinion, reads better. "Sometimes until they stopped screaming. Sometimes until they stopped altogether." Both of these "sentences" are actually fragments.
"Maybe after cleaning up." Fragement. "Maybe later." Fragement. "So beautiful." Fragment.
"Bills. Bills. Bank statement." Instead of periods which makes it a fragment I would suggest commas to create, "There must have been bills, bills, and a bank statement." That would make it one complete sentence.
The mistakes in this story are not that big of a deal really. Just simple mistakes and what not. Now onto the part that every author loves...
THE PRAISING! haha
Okay, so I thought the story was fantastic. Right from the beginning you got the point across that this man is crazy. The was his mind is working and the way you let us get a feel for what he is thinking. It's fantastic! The way you describe things, the way the actions come about. It all came together so well!! It was truely an amazing piece of work!