Obsessions, Chapter 1
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the end, my temper drove her away. She said she needed time. So she
moved back into her place. But the pain of her being gone was too
great. I tried to keep in touch. I called all the time. I even
tried to visit her. She eventually moved away, because she didn’t
like the neighborhood. She had forgotten to give me her address,
and must have lost mine in the move. Because of that, we were
separated. My soul was torn.
I followed her for a few more minute on the freeway until she took an exit. I followed her up the ramp and into a suburban neighborhood. Never once did she look back and take any notice of me. Good. I wanted this to be a surprise.
Ten minutes later, she started to slow down. I pulled my car to the opposite side of the street as she parked in front of a two story, white house with a stucco roof and a garage. Strange, why would she park in front of the house, and not in the driveway or the garage? Perhaps she planned on leaving again soon. Maybe after cleaning up.
How fun it would be to catch her in the shower, already nude and ready. I fancied the idea, but now was not the time to be forward. Maybe later.
She got out of the car, and I decided to wait until she had entered the house before emerging and knocking on the door. She stepped out from behind the car where she had emerged from the drive’s seat and came into view. My God she was beautiful. She wore a pink exercise tank top and blue gym shorts with a white stripe that ran down the side. A white towel was hanging over her right shoulder.
She must have just gotten back from working out at the gym. Want a good girl, keeping in good shape. Maybe she did it for me. She must know that I would come looking for her, and kept fit so that she would look her best when they finally reunited.
I suddenly felt ashamed for having lost her. I should have torn the city apart looking for her. She would admire me for that, for my commitment. But I hadn’t, and I hoped that she would not hold that against me. She must have been in just as much anguish as me for loosing track of me.
She carried herself gracefully, and wore a bright smile on her face. She was hiding her pain behind a smile. She was always such a strong girl. So beautiful. I loved her more than any being could love another. I would never hurt her again.
She walked over to the blue mailbox posted at the corner of the driveway, opened it, and bent over to look inside. Her golden hair parted and fell off her back over he shoulders. The arch of her back was perfect, her breast round and supple. I can’t wait to be with her again.
She withdrew a few white envelopes from the mail box and shuffled through them.
Bills. Bills. Bank statement. Oh, a pause. Perhaps a letter from a friend. She straightened up the stack and carried them up the walkway to the front door.
I reached for the handle of my door, intending to exit the secrecy of my vehicle and rush up to her. Hold her in my arms; take her inside to catch up on lost time. Be together again.
But a car pulling up made me stop. At first, I thought that it would continue down the street, passing by the house, just an insignificant entity in this universe continuing on with its day, oblivious of the grand reunion about to take place.
But it didn’t continue. It should have, but it didn’t. Instead, it pulled into the driveway. A black Saturn, either brand new or well kept.
I froze, and my angel seemed to stop what she
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Okay, you had me at "I don't know why you people chose to judge me." I'm already intrigued--who are the people? Are they the readers? A jury? Witnesses? Doctors? Fascinating.
You do an incredible job of taking us inside the mind of someone who is clearly mentally ill. He speaks so rationally about stalking his lost love, and even of the violence he enacts upon those women who are unfortunate enough to spend time alone with him. His belief that she has been somehow waiting for him to show up, as when he is praising her for working out to look good for him, reinforce his delusion that she shares his twisted obsession.
I did find myself hoping for some little fragment more when it ended, although I think it was probably your intention to leave the reader an abrupt ending that would, in retrospect, connect back with his narration at the beginning. You leave the aftermath of his following her to the imagination, and in his state of mind, that's probably an insignificant detail--all that matters is finding her, and then seeing her with another man.
Just a few small wording errors here and there:
It was only when the driver blared his horn at me did I realize that I had stopped moving and the car ahead of me had gone twenty feet ahead of me.
I think I'd reword it to say, "It was only when the driver blared his horn at me that I realized I had stopped moving..."
On page 2, where she is getting out of the car, I think you meant to say, "What a good girl," instead of "Want."
Overall, exceptionally well written, and very, very gripping. I really look forward to reading more of your work!
Peace!
Lee
Before I say anything else - I thought this was fantastic. You hooked the reader perfectly in the first paragraph.
On to the critique. There weren't too many things I noticed, but here are a couple:
I followed her for a few more minute on the freeway until she took an exit. I followed her up the ramp and into a suburban neighborhood.
You start both sentences with "I followed." I like to repeat phrases when I write, so if this was just repetition, then by all means. It does sound a bit choppy, though - maybe if you combined the sentences or switched the second one around.
And then there was one thing with the tense:
I can’t wait to be with her again.
"I can't" is in the present. The rest of it is in past - so if you said "I couldn't wait" everything would be good.
Otherwise, terrific job. It was fascinating, to say the least, listening to him muse so confidently about his intentions, about his past. Reading from the point of view of a madman really hooks you. Because most of us don't know what it's like to be one. It seems really hard to do - and you pulled it off. Very nice work.
About a previous critique on this page - I think fragments are okay. They can be used effectively to create style. They also make the pace of the writing increase, as opposed to long, complete sentences, which tend to slow it down a lot. So I think you can leave the fragments you've written if you think they're effective.
Keep going with this, I was blown away.
Katie
Wow, just, wow. This is an unusual perspective to write from, and you did it wonderfully (I know, I've been there). I could understand why he felt what he felt, and do what he did. That said, I think that you might be able to take it up to another level, and get to the place where the reader catches himself feeling what your main character feels. It was there sometimes, but not as consistently as might have liked. Some of what he thinks like "insulting me by being too happy", still sound unreasonable, and I while I knew why he felt that way, I also felt that he'd have to be crazy to feel that way. See if you can't rephrase that stuff in a way that makes it seem rational. I'll be doing critiques on the next 2 chapters either tonight or tomorrow evening.
When we lost touch, my days were filled with torment.
You said "lost touch" in the previous sentence too, so I'd recommend that you find some way to alter this.
I followed her for a few more minute on the freeway until she took an exit. I followed her up the ramp and into a suburban neighborhood.
You've got two sentences starting with "I followed", change the beginning of one, and/or merge them into one sentence.
Want a good girl, keeping in good shape.
Do you mean "what a good girl"? 'Cause that would make more sense.
I can’t wait to be with her again.
The rest of it's in past tense. Stay consistent.
A black Saturn, either brand new or well kept.
If it looks brand new, it's more than well kept, so I'd add a modifier like "very" or even "extremely".
Before I praise this work, let me begin the critique. That way I end on a positive note. There are a few places where the sentences are not complete or the wrong tense of a word is used. You've got to be real careful with things of that sort.
The first paragraph needs to be indented.
"longer since I last saw her a year and a half ago" I suggest a comma after the word "her". It just, in my opinion, reads better. "Sometimes until they stopped screaming. Sometimes until they stopped altogether." Both of these "sentences" are actually fragments.
"Maybe after cleaning up." Fragement. "Maybe later." Fragement. "So beautiful." Fragment.
"Bills. Bills. Bank statement." Instead of periods which makes it a fragment I would suggest commas to create, "There must have been bills, bills, and a bank statement." That would make it one complete sentence.
The mistakes in this story are not that big of a deal really. Just simple mistakes and what not. Now onto the part that every author loves...
THE PRAISING! haha
Okay, so I thought the story was fantastic. Right from the beginning you got the point across that this man is crazy. The was his mind is working and the way you let us get a feel for what he is thinking. It's fantastic! The way you describe things, the way the actions come about. It all came together so well!! It was truely an amazing piece of work!