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Obsessions, Chapter 3

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short story, thriller
1st
Draft

Published on:

Jul. 6, 2008, 9:10am

Word Count:

2071

Work Description

Ever wonder what things looked like from the eyes of the crazy guy?

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Print WorkPrint beneath the building and I followed him down. He drove around for a while until he found a parking spot. I parked an isle away from him, being careful not to let him out of my sight.

            I got out of the truck, taking the gun with me, and followed him, walking parallel to him with a double column of parked vehicles separating us. He suspected nothing.

            I could do him here, right now. It wouldn’t be hard. Walk between the cars so that we shared the same isle and empty the magazine into his spine before he knew what was going on. But the shots would surely echo throughout the parking complex, where even footsteps were amplified five-fold. The police would be on me before I could escape, and they of course were under the employment of the companies. They would win. No, this had to be done subtly. I willed myself to wait. The opportunity would arise; I just had to wait for it to show itself.

            The man opened a door to a stairwell and disappeared behind it. I quickened up my pace, hurrying not to lose him. I opened the door and looked up. I couldn’t see him through the gap that ran down the center of the stairwell, but I could hear his footsteps. He was no more than a floor above me, walking in at a casual speed. I matched this speed and followed him up.

            The man left through a door two floors up and I waited a few seconds before following out into a wide lobby on the building’s ground floor. It was extravagant, with a fountain in the center. No doubt all this was funded with money stolen from the oppressed people under the company’s control or other illegal means.

            I had to be careful. I was in the lion’s den now. Any one of these people could be agents. I spotted the man walking towards the elevators, and I quickly followed. He was stopped by a pretty little blonde. I turned away but stayed close enough to listen to what they were saying.

            They talked casually to each other, obviously friends. No doubt the dirt bag was fucking her on the side. Didn’t even have the decency to stay loyal to Rachael. Why should he? He didn’t love her. Not like I did.

            She mentioned his name. Mr. Dawson. She asked if he would be working late again tonight. He said he was. And with that they parted and he disappeared inside the elevator. I did not follow. I had what I wanted. The opportunity had arisen, and I was no fool to not see it. Beside the elevators was a bulletin board with a directory of employees and what offices they worked at. I walked over to it and confirmed that Dawson’s name was on the list. Office 1302, the thirteenth floor. How fitting. His bad luck will be my blessing.

            I left the building and returned to my truck. Now to go see Rachael. I drove out of the building and followed the route I had taken here back to the house. Rachael’s van was still there. Perhaps she didn’t work. Dawson must draw from the corporate pockets to keep her happy and oblivious of the wickedness around her and to keep her mind off me, with who she was the most happy with.

            I pulled in front of the house this time. Heart in my throat, I got out of the car and walked up to the door. This was it, the moment of truth. For a moment, I hesitated knocking on the door. My heart was drumming so hard I could hear it in my ears. Finally, I rapped my knuckles against the door.

            There was a moment of silence, stillness, before the angel that was Rachael opened the door. I smiled at her, but she did not smile back. Instead, her face drained of color, as if she was looking at a ghost. Maybe she thought she was. Who knew what they told her about me. Maybe they told her I was dead. I was expecting joy of seeing me alive to replace her shock,

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Discussion

 Great job, again.  The way the plot line progresses is addicting.  Just a couple sentences that you may want to change - these things jump out at me...

1. The man, the pawn of the corporations, a rotten mole infiltrating the beautiful life of Rachael stepped out of the house.

I think this sentence would flow better if you put in some more punctuation - maybe if it was written with some dashes:  The man - the pawn of the corporations, a rotten mole infiltrating the beautiful life of Rachael - stepped out of the house.  This may not be proper grammar (I'm definitely no expert) so feel free to stick with what you've got.

2. She mentioned his name. Mr. Dawson. She asked if he would be working late again tonight. He said he was. And with that they parted and he disappeared inside the elevator. I did not follow. I had what I wanted. The opportunity had arisen, and I was no fool to not see it. Beside the elevators...

It feels like this one is a little unnecessary.  You set it up well with him overhearing the name Dawson - but when you mention the "opportunity" it threw me off.  It made me think for a minute or two that he was going to kill him in that same scene.  After a while I realized that by "opportunity" you meant the opportunity to find out which office.  Maybe if you said "I had the information I needed" or something along those lines...

3.  Sometimes, some of the girls I slept with in hopes that one of them would be like Rachael liked to be tied up.

This bit's a little choppy.  I think what you're trying to say is that he sleeps with some girls because he hopes they also like to be tied up.  I would reword, though.

And one minor thing, too - the narrator said he needed to tell Rachael/Rebecca why he was going to kill Dawson before he actually did any killing.  Right now it seems like that plan went out the window, what with knocking her out cold and all.  If the explanation's going to transpire in the next chapter, I apologize.  Or maybe it's just another lapse in his rational thinking.

Thanks for writing another great chapter; I look forward to reading the next.

This story is amazing. I love how you picked the man's point of view, where other authors would probably pick the girl's point of view to write in. You describe his thoughts so well, to the point where you can understand how he thinks he's being logical, when he is really insane. Very nice job, I can't wait to read the next chapter!

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