Heh -- what a cool little beastie!
This is a neat story, and though I would have to say that it does feel a little first draft, you could have a very great deal of fun with it and it will repay a rewrite, adding some structural, character and emotional elements very handsomely.  I love the way it twists.

I've got mixed feelings on the 'traditional' story elements and phrasing --"cold December night" "old haunted house on top of the hill". I can see on the one hand that you're setting the reader up for the misdirection at the end, but on the other hand I'm a worried that you might lose the reader on the way. It's a tough decision. My instinct would be to work to maximise the reader interest by dramatising the decisions and actions of Frank, Jake and Mike to draw the reader in, rather than risk losing them. I understand if you want to keep the story short; in this case I think you could get away with reporting the drama and injecting a little complexity into the relationship between the three. ("Breaking in to the [X] place was Mike's idea, and Frank always supported Mike no matter what, so Jake had to go along or they'd call him chicken.")

It would be good to have some clarity of the characters' ages. Out of a dirty readerly habit, I assumed they were about your age, but on reflection at the end of the story I guess they might be kids. Again, you don't have to go into detail; you could just give them things-that-kids-that-age-have.

Together, the three approached the house by means of the front walkway, which had long ago been conquered by untamed grass and brown-tinted leaves that once belonged to one of the two barren trees in the yard.

Instead of "together", you might choose to differentiate the characters' characters here.  I'd suggest making the moves towards the house more immediate; aural imagery can work well here -- how did the kids' feet sound as they broke through the invading undergrowth?  There's also a slight contradiction: if the walkway has been 'conquered' -- chewed up like only wild vegetation knows how -- then is it in any real sense still a 'walkway'?

(Idea strikes: if the stones and concrete had been beaten up really badly by the overgrowth, then it would make quite ankle-twisty impassable ground; the boys could start off trying to navigate the remains of the walkway but be forced off into the 'natural' undergrowth.  The idea would be to set up the notion that the place really is dangerous and physically challenging/forbidding.)

The three joked with each other over the howl of the wind. Somewhere in the distance, an owl hooted. The light of the full moon above illuminated the derelict face of the two-story house. The windows stared at the three like empty eye sockets. The front porch yawn like gaping, waiting jaws.

A little bit of a clanger here, but at the same time something that underscores how important it is to get as much weather description out of the way as soon as possible.  Once you've set the scene, be very wary of changing it or adding new significant items.  The problem is the sudden emergence of the 'howling wind'.  It's had no effect on  the characters before.  Likewise, with the moonlight -- ideally, you'd describe the effect of the moonlight and the wind on the characters because it alters the way they interact with their environment.  Walking in moonlight over rough ground is different to walking in borrowed streetlighting.  Equally, walking through howling wind is different.  Coats blow open.  Hats get lost.  Things get snagged on bushes and little fingers and faces get cut retrieving items.

You just know what I'm going to say next.  If there's all this howling wind, how come the owl can be heard?  Indeed, how is the poof f**ker keeping himself clinging to a tree when by rights he should be sucked up into a hurricane?  Toowit-towooooooooooooomph!  'Tis illogical, cap'n.

Hm.  Can't say I'm crazy about the "house like a skull" imagery.  I think I see where you're going -- and it's a fair pastiche -- but this is a wee bit Tim Burton for my taste.  Personal thing, admittedly.

The three continued to joke as they approached the door with false bravery, each scared silly to be entering the house, but neither of them wanting to be called a chicken by the others.

I'd like some dialogue showing the joking; you can get all the elements you describe into that.

It was Mike who opened the door and stepped hesitantly inside. The tortured hinges screamed for oiling and the floorboards creaked loudly underfoot.

We're risking cliche, here. Mix it up a bit?

Cobwebs hung like ghosts on ever angle in the main room. Frank had a small flashlight attached to his keychain, and used it to scan the room.

If I'm reading this right, this is a fantastic image!  You mean that the 'main room' (not a great term; change?) is literally full of cobwebs?  That is awesome.  The play of the keychain torchlight throughout the field of filmy white is a beautiful and scary thing to imagine and I recommend you really take the reader through this with an expanded description. Could I also please have creepycrawlies? "This stuff's alive!"

It was Jake who found the stairs leading to the basement. Not wanting to travel upstairs, where a ghoul could possible throw you over the balcony to your doom, the three decided that this was the best path to take. The upper level could wait.

Ghouls aren't my strong suit, but with the children (I'm guessing) rightly characterised, I could easily believe it would be theirs. Readers live vicariously through strong characters: what a good character believes, a reader will believe a character believes, so the reader will believe it, whether they believe it or not.  This would be another good opportunity for dialogue and reaction from the three.  "Not up there." "No?" "No. Ghouls. Throw you two stories down & you're flat dead. Then you become one of them.  Then you'd have to hunt us down and kill us, too." "Shit. You're right. Basement?" "Yeah. Basement's safer." "You two are crazy." "Not crazy. Cautious. You go first." (Sorry -- got carried away.)

The basement was a dungeon. Cages dominated the walls, shakles hung from hooks. Tables in the center were covered with beakers, vial, guages, scales, and everything else a mad scientist would need to conduct his twisted experiments; his perversions against nature.

Well, I certainly wasn't expecting this! What a twisty tale you have here!

Up to this point, I thought it was children telling stories to each other and winding themselves (and their imaginations) up. That might be me misreading, of course -- but the physicality of the dungeon lab is inescapable.  Here's a point where the characterisation I mentioned above could really hit home: if the two boys 'superior' boys saw this, they'd realise the joke was not quite so funny now -- but the 'junior' boy, his imagination keyed up on adrenaline -- would be completely in his element.

All the cages were empty except one. Franks flashlight revealed a creature so horrifying, the three had to put thier hands over thier mouths to keep from screaming. It was an ape, but not like any ordinary ape. It had four arms, scales instead of hair, and a mouth that stretched from one ear to the other.

 

It did not move. It did not look at them. It did not breathe. It appeared dead. Together, the three tried to cojole one another to touch the beast. They drew straws. Jake got the small one.

Okay - neat beast & nicely described!  I [heart] the beastie.  I do have a logic criticism, though: giving us this much detail -- when we're seeing the story through the eyes of the characters in this point of view -- doesn't quite add up.  Take us through the sequence: they see the cages, [insert: they see one cage has something in it] [insert: they open the cage to get a closer look], then describe the creature.  Don't  miss an opportunity to keep the logic -- especially such a great chance to build suspense. (One other, pedantic logic point -- where did the straws come from? I'd prefer it if the other two bullied Jake into taking hold of the ... test subject.)

Hand shaking in fear, Jake reached through the old rusted bars of the cage and touched the beast on the arm. The moment he made contact, the beast sprang up and reached for Jake. Fear made him quick, and he jumped back before one of the four arms could reach him.

This is really good, but may I have a snarl as the beast reaches for Jake?  Something which could both mean ha-ha-I-got-you! and ha-ha-fresh-meat- it's-about-time-I-had- something-better-than- these-bloody-insects. (Somehow the beast has been getting nutrition and water. Termites and a muddy spring/damp floorboards (oh! the smell!) might be your best option.)

The beast howled in fury; an unearthly sound that chilled the soul. It began to pound and pull at the bars of the cage. The door began to buckle and shake. Any second and it would be free.

Great stuff, but show me the four arms working against the cage.  Tell me about the way the beast is looking, predatory, at the boys.  'Grille' is better than 'door' here.  Turn 'Any second and it would be free' into panicked dialogue by the boys.

The three turn and fled. Behind them, the sound of twisting metal and pounding footfalls chased after them. They reached to main hall, the front door, and bounded into the night. Behind them, the beast lurched after them with incredible speed.

Sequence is a little off (first twisting metal, then pounding footfalls -- not both at the same time) but it hardly makes much difference.  The sound of twisting metal doesn't chase people.  I'd like to see the boys falling over themselves on the stairs -- real panic. Possibly, swearing.

It was every man for himself. The three split into different directions,

Hm. You know, I'd like the 'senior' boy to give the order to split up, maybe with a slight dig at him for cowardice.  "He was the fastest runner, so he knew what to do." (Implication: damn those falling behind. Again, a characterisation thing; a little goes a long way.

and the beast began to tail Jake. Jake ran all the way home. He closed the door and locked it. The beast slammed through, breaking the door from its hinges. Jake ran through the house, throwing objects at the beast to keep it at bay. It only brushed off the projectiles and kept charging until it finally had Jake pinned in the kitchen.

Now, I've got to be honest: I'm not so happy with  Jake getting home.  You've got a wonderful garden to get him lost in, you've got darkness and his friends running away from him without giving a damn.  He could use sticks, rocks or anything there to fend off Mr Beastie... I don't see the need (or the benefit) from teleporting him home, out of the environment you've spent so much effort building up. (Well, I can see that he would feel safe there, but he could feel equally safe in a hiding place in the house's garden after clonking the beastie.)

Huddled in a corner, begging for his life, Jake wept, curled in a ball. The beast loomed over him, drool dripping from his numerous fangs. It reached out one giant, clawed hand.

All good here except for the word 'numerous'.  All unnecessary adjectives should be murdered on sight.  Picture yourself puffing away the smoke from your Magnum and then walking into the sunset after a job well done.

It touched Jake on the shoulder.

"Tag, your it!" the beast chuckled, and shuffle away quickly.

That is a really good, sweet ending.  In fact, it's an ending so sweet that it might render all of this critique meaningless.  My instinct for darkness and deeper reader involvement might make this ending impossible to realistically achieve if you were to take all my advice.  It could work if the childlike elements of the creature were played up more, either in its movements, its laughter or (possibly) some foreshadowing -- strange signs hanging over the basement door "For aLL my ChildRen" or something like that..

What I'm trying to say is that this piece is so well balanced between pure-fun pastiche and the childlike twisty ending, that perhaps throughout all of this critique I have been talking out of my bum.

However, if any of this bumtalk is useful to you, my work here is done.  Thank you for presenting this work!

Kind regards,

Laos

WOW. Great ending! I also liked the rest of the story (hehe that is important to say too).

In my opinion it can go one of two ways.

One, terrifying campfire story told at boyscout camp to frighten the scouts into submisson. all you would need for this is a few more descriptions of the forest and maybe make the confrontation in the house instead of in the forest. maybe he circles back around or he finds a conveniently placed cave (could provide great imagry) but i am inclined to agree that you should keep the action in the original setting.

or

Two, a more developed childrens' story about the three best friends and their adventures with the beast. it wouldn't have to be long. not much longer than you have it but if you go this route i recommend taking the advice of your first reviewer.

The ending was sweet. I really liked it. The only thing i would advise is to have you run through it and check some of the grammar and spelling.

But which ever avenue you choose for this story it will be a good one!

Best of luck to you then!

I’m not wowed by the first sentence because it’s boring and unoriginal. It also reminds me a lot of other stories I’ve read or heard of (until the end), featuring a dare into a spooky old house. You need to set it apart from all the rest, even though your ending is original. But there can’t be just one part of it that’s original, it all has to be as novel as possible. You also have lots of errors in spelling and verb tense. But it’s definitely interesting, a cute story overall, and parts of it are well-written. I like the

“…untamed grass and brown-tinted leaves…”

and

“The tortured hinges screamed for oiling and the floorboards creaked loudly underfoot.”

from the beginning. That’s especially an awesome sentence.

The short sentences and the fact that you have a lot of two-line paragraphs in close proximity in the beginning, and small paragraphs throughout the story, lend attention to the lack of dialogue, until the end. I suggest you combine some of the sentences, (get crazy and make a six-line paragraph). The short sentences make it kind of boring, choppy, and it also reads strangely, almost clumsy. For example,

“the beast began to tail Jake. Jake ran…”

this reads to me as kind of clumsy because his name in such close proximity makes me think a first-grader wrote it. These two sentences should definitely be combined.

Besides my complaints, it’s ok by me. It’s really cute and original because of its ending, and I like and admire the great show of imagination in it. I admit, this isn’t my favorite of yours, but if this were the first piece that I had read by you, I’d be interested to see what else you had in store. I could see the monster and it was really creepy to me, mostly because of its

“…mouth that stretched from one ear to the other.”

Totally creepy-lookin’ in my eyes. Thanks for the read: I’m looking forward to the rest of your work.

Good yarn mate! and its got a nice little twist at the end that keeps the entire story fresh, nice.

Okay now the nitty gritty:

1) The length is a problem. As it stands the thing can either be seen as too detailed and thus long (as the story is rather a short one: boys go in, boys find monster, boys run from monster, tag!) or too short (in which case you will want to add MORE details to all the sectione ect..)

Personally  I would go for makin it longer. If you add another three hundred words of breathing room you will be able to draw the chase out enough to build tension, shore up the areas where the detail is lacking, and still keep the overall read as short and sweet. You could also go the otherway of course and reduce it to around five hundred words. Your call really.

2) The punchline...while it IS a good one it would be even BETTER if we had some clues throughout the earlier story to set it up. The best jokes are the ones where the punchline should have been expected but ISNT for some reason...and you could easily do that here. Throw down some details like the children playing tag before hand, maybe a few tag refrences during the chase scene, ect...and the end result will seem much better.

3) a few details need work. Would this bizzare beast really go pounding through doors and breaking everything if all it really wanted was a game of tag? Maybe if it wanted to SAY tag and then eat them I could get it but as it is...thats an aweful bother just to play a game. Also the boy runs FURTHER into the house? That boy would be running after his friends/outside as quick as he could! Even if the door outside were locked he would probably just jump through the window. I would like it much better if the boy maintained some brains under the stress and was terrified but also thinking ahead....maybe he goes to run into the kitchen because the kitchen door was reinforced or he thought to hide in the fridge or something...regardless it would give us a chance to root for him before he was inevitably caught.

Now dont let these little nit-picks bring yeh down. I really liked the story and I think that with a bit of tweaking it can be really good so KEEP AT IT!

-Patrick

This is one of the cutest stories. It's got fear, intrigue and humor all mixed into one.

The details are great, not too much, not too little. I like that you captured most of the senses. I could hear things, see things, feel things, ect. The pacing is good too. There aren't any slow spots and the story didn't move too fast. The opening is good for the story size. Introduction, story, ending. Great. I also like how you admitted the boys only went due to not wanting to be "chicken", very true for children.

Great story.