The Chinese Job, Chapter 1: The Docks
thriller, short story
Published on:
Apr. 20, 2008, 5:20amWord Count:
3281Last Edited:
Apr. 20, 2008, 5:23amWork Description
How far are you willing to go to protect the ones you love?
Chapter Description
How far would you go to protect the ones you love?
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His driver’s license said his name was Tomas Wash. His passport said he was Jack Taylor. His social security cards said Andrew Chase, Cameron Hardy, and Peter Letz. Only his birth certificate held knowledge of his real name.
Shepard Marsh hid beneath layers of aliases. It was a necessity in his line of work. After all, names were nothing more that masks worn for the masquerade; superficial shields that serve only one purpose: to identify.
Well, identities had a habit of changing. Like Shakespeare said; “What is in a name?” But they did serve a purpose. Those names were his shields, along with many more tucked away for those “just in case” times.
Shepard shifted the right flap of his overcoat aside and pulled a pack of cigarettes from his front pant pocket. The shimmering metal of the pistol resting in his shoulder holster glistened momentarily in the faint moonlight. He pulled his coat closed and the gun disappeared beneath the flap.
Shepard flipped open the box lid and shifted the cigarettes inside. There were several left, and they rolled inside like loose teeth, knocking against the disposable lighter that shared the box with them like quarreling roommates. He selected a smoke from the box and pulled it out with the lighter. He deposited the box back to his pocket.
As he lit his cigarette, the wind from the ocean threatened to blow out the flame. He won the small battle and took a long drag on his smoke. The embers at the tip glowed angrily; a single red eye in the darkness.
The docks were silent. Midnight had claimed the place, throwing a blanket of stillness over the area. The only sounds came from the water as it slapped lazily against the pier. The only light came from the moon and a single street lamp that illuminated a small circle of the pier. Shepard stayed out of that circle. Instead, he chose a nice, inconspicuous spot between two cargo crates. From this dark corner, he was completely invisible except for the tell-tale glow at the tip of his cigarette and the smoke that momentarily caught the light.
Beams from a vehicle’s headlights poked around the corner and headed towards his position. He quickly threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped it out. He crouched low as a car rolled into view. The vehicle was not ill-kept, but it had certainly seen its fair share of hard days. Rust was eating at the paint job in some places, and the rear bumper had a distinct dent on the corner.
It rolled past him and parked under the streetlight. The light shone through the windows and revealed the silhouette of the drive. The engine chugged for a second and cut off. The driver did not step out.
It was time. Shepard reached into his pockets and pulled out a pair of latex gloves and a silencer. He put on the gloves, drew his pistol and quietly screwed on the silencer. The silencer was of the cheap ceramic type; and only allows around ten shots before it ruptured and broke. But it did its job well and they were easy to come by. Besides, he wasn’t planning to have a fire fight. This was going to be as quick and quiet as possible.
Another car suddenly rolled into view. This vehicle was not like the first; tinted windows and a shiny black exterior that hinted an exhaustive polish job. Shepard figured the man in the other vehicle was a just a middleman. But he didn’t matter. Kevin Polanski, the man in the expensive car, was what mattered most, along with the suitcase he carried with him.
The black car parked next to the other beneath the light. The middleman was already getting out of the car. The car stopped
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This is a very intriguing start to what promises to be a violent story (my favorites!)
The plot was interesting, there's a lot going on and a lot of
details which I'm not sure are relevant or not yet. I'll poke at
them and you can decide how important they are. One that's nagging
at me at the moment is how many shots he's taken so far with a
ceramic silencer that doesn't get that many shots. I don't know if
that's a detail that's going to be important later, or not, but by
telling me that there are a limited number of shots... now I'm
counting 
There were a few little glitches like the silencer that made me wonder if there was something I should be paying attention to. Like this bit about the phone:
Once he was a safe distance from the docks, he withdrew his cell phone from his breast pocket. It was a slim model, with no flip mechanism to at to its bulk. It fit well in any pocket, and did not take up too much space. It was optimal for his kind of work.
Shepard activated his phone and slid his finger against the seamless keypad, dialing the number for the city’s taxi service. The taxi company operator answered the phone.
Thassalottadetail about that phone. Unless that's going to be important later, you might just call it a slim phone. Or maybe note that it's a phone that isn't on the market yet, if that's what you're trying to give the impression of. As it stands, it's a little AT&T catalog, which I don't think is what you want.
The descriptions were vivid bordering on pulp noir. I liked it, it gave a fun, almost caustic tone to the story.
Yes, the PoV was consistent. I was picturing Jason Statham, but
then, I normally am
The character connected quiet well although there's still a lot of mystery about him yet to be revealed. We do know that he likes his cellphones and gadgets, though!
Dialog was fine.
I didn't notice too much aside from typos other than this one bit:
A dozen booths circumnavigated the bar.
I think you meant circled or surrounded the bar. Circumnavigating is actually moving, generally by water.
This is a great start! Can't wait to find out what this is all about!
First off man, just want to say that I enjoyed the plot. It really sounds interesting and I can’t wait to read more. However, while not trying to sound too critical I just want to comment on your writing style. I believe everyone has there own particular style and yours is great. But I just felt that it would help if you simply refined your style somewhat.
Take, for example, your first paragraph. I really liked this introduction to the character, but your word choice was somewhat repetitive. When identifying each of the characters aliases try using a word other than “his” and “said”. For instance:
“His driver’s license introduced him as Tomas Wash”
or
“His driver’s license read Tomas Wash.”
At least from my opinion, I believe using words or phrases such as these adds more depth to your sentences. And you can replace “said” in the other sentences as well. Here is what I would recommend. The changed words are of course, highlighted in bold.
“His driver’s license introduced him as Tomas Wash, while a faded passport revealed the name Jack Taylor. And if that wasn’t enough, not one but three social security cards added to an already ambiguous identity. Not only were the names different, but so where the numbers. 331-15-7756 was Andrew Chase. Peter Letz had the pleasure of being matched with 431-44-6652, whereas Cameron Hardy was given quite a repetitive sequence, 111-20-3131. A tattered birth certificate was the man’s only claim to an alias he abandoned long ago.”
I know the above paragraph is very long and I don’t expect you to use it, though you are certainly welcome to. I noticed you wrote about three different documents that our protagonist/antagonist (LOL I can’t tell really) is identified by. As you can see I gave each of these objects a descriptor that sets them apart from each other. If you add more descriptions to your writing I am certain it will bolster the reader’s interest significantly.
The paragraph immediately following the first is just perfect. Don’t change it. I like the metaphor you draw between names and masks. I couldn’t have said it any better myself.
Also, try and stay away from big words, except when they're necessary: Take for instance this paragraph:
"A dozen booths circumnavigated the bar."
As you can see, circumnavigated, is the word in bold. I myself struggle with using fanciful language and have learned to KIS (Keep It Simple and Stupid). While I know the temptation to use big words is overbearing at times, I feel as though the word "surrounded" would have been a better choice in words. Lets see how it reads when we place it in the corresponding paragraph:
"A dozen booths surrounded the bar. Most of them were empty. A couple occupied one of them, talking to each other across a few empty beer bottles. Another booth was occupied by four men who joked amongst each other. The rest were empty."
Using circumnavigated is rather bulky and interrupts the remaining flow of the paragraph. And as always, you can make this paragraph more interesting. With a few stylistic changes. Just a suggestion, and again this doesn't have to be used, but lets see how it works:
"A dozen red booths surrounded the dimly lit bar. Most were empty, save for two. A rather giggly couple occupied one of the booths, on the border between drunkenness and sobriety. In another booth, four young men sat around playing the dozens, laughing wildly at each others playful insults. Shepard however, chose an inconspicuous spot underneath a fading light."
Just a note, playing the dozens is another phrase for joking around. Something we as black folks use to describe making fun of one another. Thought I'd just throw that in there for some variety. Again, you don't have to use it, just a minor suggestion. Anyways, back on task. As you can see I removed the last sentence that said "the rest were empty and replaced it with Shepard's choice of seating. Also, you will notice a number of added descriptions to the non-essential characters of the chapter, giving them a sense of life. Not that they weren't alive to begin with. I just believed they needed a "livelier" set of characterizations. That's all I have for now my man. Hope this critique helps and look forward to see where this story takes us. Loved the action, loved the gritty nature of Mr. Shepard, and tough s**t for our poor friend Mr. Willington. God rest his soul. LOL. Keep it up dude.
I’m reading as I critique again, so you get all the primary reactions as I read. I was about to pass this over for later when I saw it was 6 pages long (not sure I have that attention span now) but I already read the first 2 lines and I’m hooked. And jealous cause of that. I love love love that 5<sup>th</sup> paragraph on the first page. Really great imagery and wording.
Shepard Marsh: interesting name. I like it. It’s different, like the name Odd Thomas (ever read it?)
I love love love that.
A little redundant (so you might want to change it), but this is a first draft, so you’re allowed. You'll notice I tend to critque every little thing, and I’m sorry about that, cause I know I can be annoying but I’m not trying to be mean or anything, cause I really like this: I’m only pointing out some of what needs to be fixed. I also noticed that a lot of your sentences are really short, so you might want to change that.
What sound from the door? The sound of Kevin Polanski’s door closing blocked the sound of the bullet through glass? If that’s not the case, clarify it. If that is the case, I find it a little unbelievable, unless that’s really possible. You obviously know more about guns than I do.
I’m excited and impressed at how much I’m loving this. I really enjoy reading your stuff because your descriptions are incredible. I love that I feel like I’m right there, on the dock with Shepard Marsh, watching him shiver slightly and take the shots. I’m so happy reading this, and really impressed, because this is only a first draft so it hasn’t been published, but if I’m getting all the excitement of watching guys get killed, I associate that with a real, professionally published story. It’s really good. I really admire how you put your readers in the driver’s seat with Shepard Marsh, and I’m so impressed that this is a first draft and it’s so good. I feel like you really brought it, you know? You lived up to my expectations and it's refreshing to know I'm not insane for wanting a good plot and good writing.
I like this but think it needs to be reworded.
This is also a little redundant, because you describe the phone, then he dials the number, and we can only assume he’s talking into the reciever, and not himself or a hobo or something.
I like this too, even though the first sentence is a teeny bit wordy but still good. I love that you go on with the story, talking about the main character, then suddenly introduce something new (Mary) that adds a new angle and depth to the story and character, which makes it all more intriguing.
Redundant again. Don’t forget!
Redundant again. Am I annoying? Sorry if I am.
I love this. Love it love it love it! But I still have one problem: I find it unbelievable that the sound of a densely-populated bar would overpower the blast of not 1, but 2 gunshots (unless that really is possible). Obviously I know very little about guns. Other than that, and the little things that can be ironed out (like the redundancy), I found it exciting, beautifully written and all-around really smart. I’m really impressed with it and all I can really critique is the credulity of gunshot blasts being muted by the bar (at the end) and the car door (in the beginning). I really enjoyed reading it and I look forward to more of your work.