The Song of Aedmon Lost, Chapter 1: A Calling in Eaton: a prologue
novel, fantasy
Published on:
May 27, 3:20amWord Count:
1426Last Edited:
June 26, 4:33amWork Description
What do we ask of a small town carpenter? A chair, a table, a children's toy? Or maybe we ask him to save the world.....
Chapter Description
Welcome to Eaton, and the workshop of Ramus Noblwind, a carpenter about build his greatest work
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…In the second time when the world still wept for her children, the face of the creator lay dark over the Land, his Spirit brooding over the waters, stirring darkness in shadow. The Spirit searched in vain for any light in the shadow and found none, and though he caused their destruction, He wept for the Sons of the Red Earth.
Then did the Spirit speak out upon the deep once more, calling the land back to the light from the shadow of His rage.
“Let the darkness be divided once more into the lights by day and lights by night.”, and it was so.
Again spoke the Spirit,”Let the land arise from the darkness of the shadow once more, that I may look upon that which I have made by this new light.” And it was so.
So the Spirit, the Creator God, called forth his creation once more out of the shadow, and He walked among the creatures birthed by his Spirit, and his favor shone on the land, and it prospered. In the Garden did he walk with them, and of all the creatures of his new creation, he did call two to himself as his own.
It came to pass, that after a time, the kinship of Adam lay heavy on the heart of the Spirit, and, in gazing upon his Creation he saw none to watch over it as the Sons of the Red Earth had done. And the Spirit searched all of His creation to find that which would mind all of His children. Finding none he turned to those that walked with him. In that time did he speak the First Names to the two together, as they were of the same Amma.
To Aedmon the Eldest he spoke. “Let you be raised to your feet, and stood upright under this new sun. Let you be a strong arm to protect my children, that you may never fail to deal judgment in righteousness. “
To Tenuin the Younger he also spoke. “Let you be a voice to my ignorant children, and with wisdom keep my words that my creation may know my Spirit.”
Then did the Creator send the Brothers to the rest of their kind, that they might raise their brothers and sisters up in the knowledge of His Spirit, and in His Light.
Now all was as it was to be under the light of the Lord of Creation, and the Second Children flourished, and by a time came to take for them a name, Lupine. Many wonders were done in the First Time of the Second Children, known now only to the creators heart…
1.
<h4> A calling in Eaton</h4>
By the end of the day, two chairs, two tables, and several children’s toys later, the carpenter was tired indeed. The shop was full of the things that he had worked on over the weeks and months, some large, some small, some still unfinished, locked in the mind of the average looking Brother who was now wiping the sweat off his brow, and slowly settling his tools on the table. Drill, awl, plane, rasp, hammer, all neatly laid in their place, and each bearing the marks on the grips to show that they were well used and well loved. The table was a history of the wood that had past on its way over it, each piece leaving some tiny bit of dust behind to mark it’s passing into artistry, or at lest usefulness
Looking around the shop, the proprietor took a mental inventory of the next days needs. A table needed some re-planing here, a chair some reworking there, and most of all, he needed to finish the one thing that had occupying his time for at least three weeks. A Calling was coming, and the town’s council, the exalted ministers of Eaton , had called on his talents to produce a seat worthy of the expected guest who would occupy it. Time would have called him a fool if one single turn ago he had set about carving a seat intended
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There are some grammatical mistypes, such as using a period and
comma in the wrong place. It's nothing bad, just some
maitenance that needs to be looked at. 
Why is it that you have His/He and Spirit capitalized, but not creator in the first paragraph? It's talking about his world, his creations, his spirit, so I think it should also be capped because it's the same sort of thing, especially since you have it capped later on.
There appear to be quite a few run-on sentences through your works. Examples:
The shop was full of the things that he had worked on over the weeks and months, some large, some small, some still unfinished, locked in the mind of the average looking Brother who was now wiping the sweat off his brow, and slowly settling his tools on the table
It was true that no Lupe sat on a throne throughout the Territory, save the Alpha, but a Wise One, especially one of the import of the one who was arriving this evening needed something nearly as grand.
These can be shortened or split into two with some reworking. Like:
"It was true that no Lupe sat on a through in the Territory, save the Alpha. However, a Wise One, especially one of import like the one arriving this evening, needed something nearly as grand."
I'm not saying that it's bad, it just needs to be reworked. Most of the errors I see are mechanical, easily fixed.
It's quite an interesting work, but there are a few things that need to be explained further:
If this is the second time the world wept, when was the first time? If Lupine are the Second Children, who were/are the first? Why is it called Red Earth; is it just like our Earth?
I look forward to reading more when you post the second chapter/part.
Hey guys,
Thanks for the comments on this one. I find that I'm suffering a little for not being able to format this just the way I want it to look when it copies over from my machine. This part of the book was written nearly a year before most of the rest of it, and it is rough.
As far as run-on sentences go, that tends to be the way that the ideas flow from me, though I could look at breaking them up a bit. I'm going to clean up this bit to clarify a little, but maybe somebody will get the "Sons of the Red Earth" part...if not I'll try to explain it further. (Just a hint, the Lupine are not human!).
Anyway, thanks for the input and for stopping in on this one; I'll try to get it a little cleaner and get up Chapter 2 as soon as I can.
J.A.T
I like your idea for the story,
and having the carpenter be the underdog hero (or so I think) was a
welcome difference to most books. I noticed, though, that some of
your wording was a little archaic. It sounded like it came out of
the Bible. Maybe that was the effect you were going for, and I'm
just dumb. Anyway, all in all, this is a nice debut
chapter/prologue. I can't wait for more from you!
Hope I helped!
Joshua,
Formatting is going to be absolutely critical as you set up the world. The prelude peice, which beautifully homages the creation myth from the bible, has a simirillion feel to it. The chilling echo of foreshadowing and twilight that it could be is lost in large part because it is part of chapter one. Even if you put the whole thing in quotes and then afterward put an attribution it would help maintain the "feel" of the peice which abruptly changes when you go into the narrative.
Just to satisfy curiosity : the references to red earth and war of brothers bring to mind both the planet of mars and the god for which it is named. Is this intentional?
The table was a history of the wood that had past on its way over it, each piece leaving some tiny bit of dust behind to mark it’s passing into artistry, or at lest usefulness
Great line. Needs a period at the end.
My personal preference for the lines like the one above is based on the art of using ordinary to give extrordinary character. It is the process of finding art in a created space, and it is a talent. Other lines reflect this talent:
On the reverse side, in a quiet joke that Ramus enjoyed every day, the sign read the opposite.
I think these glimpses into your talent and artistry are very compelling. However - these lines are so good that some of the other lines fall over on themselves - the purely expository ones lack the same vitality. For example:
A Calling was coming, and the town’s council, the exalted ministers of Eaton , had called on his talents to produce a seat worthy of the expected guest who would occupy it. It was true that no Lupe sat on a throne throughout the Territory, save the Alpha, but a Wise One, especially one of the import of the one who was arriving this evening needed something nearly as grand. Three types of wood had gone into the chair for the ceremony, Truewood in the seat, white tree in the arms an legs, and, in the scrolling that pooled down the chair, heartwood in rose tones and reds, the colors blending to the eye.
For all the artistry and characterization of the final touches to the chair, the paragraph above seems like an undeveloped history, and a careless inventory of components. I think you could bring more richness to the table here and you wouldn't lose anything by it.
I'll be reading chapter 2 in the coming days. Thanks for this - it reads like a good cup of coffee or a nice cognac.
Just a note:
To Brian (thanks for the kind words) and everybody else; your kind attention is appreciated. This has been such a bear of work to get finished - there are roughly fourteen more chapters completed with another five-to-six roughed out- that any help to get it moving in the right direction is welcome.
I want this novel to develop with a poetic lyric to it, since that is my background and it lends itself to the natural meter of the people whom I'm trying to capture, who actually aren't human at all. Hopefully I can balance out meaningful action and dialogue with the poetic soul of the work. I'll let you folks help me judge that. Brian, I am going to take your suggestion on narrowing some of the prologue and building it into the back story; look for some reworking in the near future. As for the rest, we'll see....
J.A.T
p.s. "The sons of the Red Earth" has a biblical reference. Adam was "of the Red Earth" or "from the Red Clay"; that may shed some light on the Lupe....
Sorry, I pressed the wrong button.
Josh,
Nice debut. Though I noticed a few flaws in it. Some of the quotation marks are backwards and a few words like "his" "he" are capitalized in the middle or the end of each sentence. I dig the story you wrote here but it could use editing my man. Hope to hear more from you. Peace.