I thought this was a very interesting piece. The views and emotions in it are so abstract yet normal at the same time it makes you think at what exactly the point is and yet at the same time you do know. Its a very complicated, intricate piece. I enjoy its complexities maybe a little more than I should but I do.

I noticed the pattern of grammatical errors, referring to the fact that all of your I's are lower case when the I should be capital. I just figured you might want to know that so you can fix it up so it looks a little less messy.

I liked the flow of this poem, it was very different, but you seem to have a knack for making very different poetry. I find the uniqueness of your works very refreshing and interesting. I really like your poems, keep up the amazing writing!

Oh, one last thing. The imagery in this is, as usual, amazing written. I always love your descriptions.

Good job and good luck with you writing. Keep up the unique work.

~Michelle Erin.

I really like this poem, because it conveys that peculiar state of mind quite effectively. One reason for that might be your use of opposing ideas: First the voice is invisible, then you give it form; first it speaks lies, then the truth. Furthermore, I find the frequent use anaphora very similar to the way thoughts form in my own mind in such a state.

Unfortunately, the first verse is a bit long, and hit me like a hammer, so it took me a moment to recover from that blow. You follow that up with a few great images, though.

it calls itself my conscience, common sense, reality,
but i am older and wiser than such lies.

This one really grabbed me, but I'm not sure why. I think it's the connection you establish between reality and lies here.

i will make you as ugly
as my own shadow
in the day.

This adds a clear taste of self-loathing, which in my experience often goes hand in hand with such a state of mind.

like a ninja, or like vodka,

Quite simply the line I like most in this entire poem. It paints a great image of the inner voice and how it is received, as well as an image of alcohol, and the part it might have in this, but need not.

rebel side of heaven

This is simply a great expression.

The lack of capitalization is most noticeable in the frequently used "i," but seeing that there is only a single capital letter in the entire poem I noticed, I attribute that to this being written swiftly or at late hours. However, I think you could actually put this lower-case "i" to good use by contrasting it with a capital "I," the former representing the dissonant state of mind, and the latter the unified state that is reached at the end.

Thanks for your comments on my poem. I notice you're from Buffalo -- are you going to SUNY Buffalo? I went there for about a year and a half prior to transferring to SUNY Potsdam. I used to go to Charles Berstein's poetry sessions on occassion, and although I know Robert Creely was there at the time I was there, I never met him.

It's interesting that you chose my poem to critique, because I think we suffer from similar deficits. Namely, that the voice of your poem is you, rather than a character. Although there's nothing particularly wrong with writing in that way, it's difficult to draw larger meanings from works that are only based on your own psyche. Although we all feel like we're going through things that only we understand, the reality is most of us have gone through similar experiences over time, and that is what makes literature what it is. In college, students (including me at the time) tend to focus too much on the concept of a poet's individual personality, which in turn often leads students to focus on their own psyche, rather than looking outside of themselves for ideas.

but i am older and wiser than such lies.

If you're old, then I'm ancient, and I think I'm only  a few years older than you are. Be careful not to glorify yourself too much.

This piece reads largely like a journal entry, honestly, and could really use some refinement. Maybe think about taking parts of this poem and turning it into a new poem, which is often an interesting way to generate new work. For example, I like this section:

i will give you a hideous body,
invisible voice.
i will make you as ugly
as my own shadow
in the day.
i will imagine you have three heads,
a monster,
with paws and claws and pimples
covering every inch of your evil skin.

The lead line in that segment could make for some interesting writing, and the premise of that "stanza" is more clear and more profound than other elements of the work.

Try writing the poem with proper punctuation and grammar, and you might actually like it better. I know it feels fun and "poetic" to write without caps or proper use of grammar, but don't use a lack of conventions as an excuse so that you don't have to learn them in the first place.

I get the feeling you have psychedelic intentions. If that's the case, completely ignore attempts at humanizing your subjects. I used to try experiments where I'd just write complete nonsense in an effort to find psychedelic wordings. There are a variety of rock bands that use similar methods and come up with some interesting results.

Keep at it, but don't try so hard to be a "poet" or an "artist." I know a lot of people who were fellow writers of mine in college who thought that was the way to go. In fact, studying literature very seriously and rigorously tends to yield great results.

I thought it was a valid description of how most people 'think' most of the time. Often they don't realise this is going on constantly as background.

A previous comment about lower case 'i's seemed to me to ignore the history of such usage. I think your use of a lower case 'i' is particularly relevant because it expresses typographically sentiments analogous to those of the poem itself.

It reads to me like the work of somebody still very young. This is because of its introspection and its self critisism.

This is more a pschological comment than a literary critique, but the poem seemed to me to have more pschological content than literary quality.

I thought it was a valid description of how most people 'think' most of the time. Often they don't realise this is going on constantly as background.

A previous comment about lower case 'i's seemed to me to ignore the history of such usage. I think your use of a lower case 'i' is particularly relevant because it expresses typographically sentiments analogous to those of the poem itself.

It reads to me like the work of somebody still very young. This is because of its introspection and its self critisism.

This is more a pschological comment than a literary critique, but the poem seemed to me to have more pschological content than literary quality.